The Walking Deceased Page #6

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Jesus, let me help you, brother.

I shall call you Lebong James.

All right, nobody touch me.

I'm gonna get weird.

No one's, like...

like, died from this, right? It's...

- Dude, don't bogart that bong.

- Let's try secondhand the first time.

No. Bad idea. Good God.

It... it...

It's like... it's...

the world is kind of...

- It's, like, swirly.

- Swirly? Yeah.

It's like... kind of like fro-yo when you do

the two mix. Know what I mean?

- Frozen yogurt.

- Oh, my God.

I want fro-yo so bad right now.

Yeah.

Feel like I'm in a...

giant womb of skin suits.

That sounded so cool.

Like angels clapping.

Pretty sounds make me happy.

Weird. Didn't know you could

hallucinate on the ganj.

This is actually the clearest

my mind has been in weeks.

My least favorite thing

in the entire world is a Twinkie.

Hate Twinkies. Twinkies. Hate Twinkies.

Where's Green Boy?

Symphonious calamity!

Guaranteed A-Rod, McGwire, the Rock,

all survived 'cause of steroids.

- What the hell was that?

- Obviously fireworks, dipshit.

Okay, that was at the barn. Let's go.

Holy F-word S-word.

Did you guys see those fireworks?

Stress relieved.

Damn, kid. If I am not in love

with you right now...

That... sh*t was dope, Green Man.

I was just doing me, man, just doing me.

Do you.

What was that? Warning shot?

- You been infected?

- Answer!

Dude, we're just baked.

Hey!

Enough with the violence, Chris. I mean,

did Mandela's death mean nothing?

Tupac and Biggie nothing?

Can't we just find some kind

of peaceful resolution?

What in the name of seventh heaven

have you done?

Don't you know we're under severe

water restrictions and fire warnings?

- This drought is serious!

- That was, like, 15 years ago.

Well, I guess it's about time to renew

our newspaper subscription.

I'll go into town tomorrow.

- You have any idea how loud that was?

- I dunno.

That must have been audible for miles.

Oh, my God. You guys saw

those pretty sky flowers, too?

Isaac, what is wrong with you?

You look like you've been doing drugs.

Mother, trust me. We totally have.

Suuuuper-duper stoned.

For the record, I will say it.

It was awesome.

Kids still shouldn't do it.

Just a little PSA for you two lovebirds.

I see that chemistry, though.

Isaac, this is not okay!

- Who the hell is that?

- Where? What...

It looks like old Hank,

our next-farm neighbor.

He sure is walking funny.

You all right there, Hank?

He ain't all right. Let me do him.

Why are you playing with a child's toy?

We've actually been wondering that

for, like, a real long time.

Hey! Like you should talk.

Shooting contest, you and me, right now!

Oh, Jesus. That'd be like

watching a WNBA game.

No, Hank! No!

Son, you know what you just did?

I just killed a zombie that was about

to rip your leg off, you crazy old man.

Hey! Carl! Show some respect.

- What's a zambie?

- A zombie.

Everyone outside this farm

has been infected by a crazy virus.

- People are eating each other out there.

- And my buzz is completely gone.

- Thank you, Hank.

- God rest his soul!

No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

This can't be.

I just found out myself,

came out of a coma a couple days ago.

Whole world was gone.

Isaac, why have you kept this from us?

I'm sorry. I didn't want to tell you,

'cause I thought...

She thought it'd be

too much for you to take.

I can't believe that you're doing drugs!

Oh, God, forgive us!

We have failed as parents!

Mother, Papa, I am so, so sorry.

Did they not hear the whole

zombie apocalypse thing or...

- That's some pretty selective hearing.

- Sucks for your girlfriend.

Oh, my God. Will you quit that sh*t

for five seconds?

I'm sorry I'm not Rambo, and I wasn't

prepared for the freaking zombie apocalypse

like everybody else apparently was.

Yeah, I can't shoot. I'm sorry.

Get off my back! You and your sister

are complete a**holes!

The only reason that we keep you around

is because you're hot, and she's a child!

I'm a teenager, fart face!

Swear to Christ, little girl.

If you open your mouth one more time,

I will rip that zombie's jaw off

and sink its teeth into your neck!

Wait. Did you just talk? I thought you were,

like, too traumatized to speak, or...

She was a mute.

- Use a real weapon, damn it!

- That's how walkers talk.

She's deaf, you mega a**hole...

cowboy a**hole, dipshit little b*tch!

How have you guys not noticed?

Are you all that self-absorbed?

- How does she know what we're saying then?

- She can read lips, you idiot!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Everyone calm down!

- Whatever, man. This is freaking bullshit.

- So what's the plan, Sheriff?

I mean, I thought this was some kind

of a diaphragm or whatever.

Di-archy.

You just got high with a bunch

of college-age kids.

I don't respect your opinion

as a leader anymore.

Hey, hey, hey, Carl!

That's enough! That's enough!

We're losing our humanity here?

Let's take a page

out of Romeo's playbook.

Keep it calm.

Fine.

Sheriff, I guess you're the sheriff now.

- I always was.

- Fine, Chief.

Sheriff.

And why don't you...

get your goddamn Kid Rock,

Kenny Chesney, poser-ass hat

off my Stetson?

All right, listen up. I said listen up!

Do I have your attention now?

Everyone look away! Look away!

All right, look back!

Now, obviously this place

isn't untouched anymore.

Right? It's just a matter of time

before that fence is breached.

They will swarm.

The way I see it is we got two choices.

One, we could do the smart thing

and run like the pussies we are.

Or we could stand our ground and protect

these sweet, innocent old people

and their hot stoner daughter

from the infection and the inevitable

invasion of the walking dead

and the living dead

and all sorts of dead,

which we may or may not have

brought here through stoner fireworks.

I'm all for battle, but us versus

a town full of zombies,

- that sounds pretty damn stupid.

- Then there it is. We stay.

I mean, it is our fault

that they're getting through, so...

Was I the one baked and going all

Fourth of July out in this janky barn?

Oh, wait, no. No, that was you guys.

Where the hell is little Romeo, anyway?

Not you, stroke face.

Green Bay. Where's Green Bay?

- Looking... for girl.

- Well, go find him then.

He's just making it worse.

Take your time, buddy.

All right, spread out.

Do something official.

I'm gonna look for...

any evidence of...

I'm looking for a roach.

Oh, boy. I know exactly

where this is going.

- Hey... where's your girl?

- Man, I don't know how to get to her.

I mean, I know girls

want their space or whatever,

but I gotta get inside somehow.

I can't go to her parents. They hate me.

I know... what to do.

Right. I'm gonna just knock. That's...

God!

Dude.

- What the hell?

- Hey, Isaac.

Dude, uncool. If you break the window,

I'm gonna get blamed for it,

and I'm already in deep sh*t.

It... was me.

What's your name again?

- Romeo.

- Romero? Like George?

- No. Romeo, like...

- You're kidding me. That's even better.

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