The Walking Deceased Page #7

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Yes, not kidding. Okay, one,

sorry I disturbed your peace. My bad.

Two, we have a pretty

looming problem out here.

The portal in the fence that's letting

dead people in? Haven't forgot about that.

- We're staying... to help fight.

- Okay. Now get me out of here.

But, see, I'd rather you stay inside,

like away from... safe.

Can't this b*tch

just sneak out the window?

Okay, okay. On it. Just...

Too... awkward.

Agreed.

What do you want, son?

You and your friends are no longer

welcome in this beautiful home

that my grandfather built

with his own two hands,

that I restored into the lovely summer

cottage that you're looking at before you.

When this is all over with, you should

start a bed-and-breakfast, but...

these zombies, they're coming.

They're rabid. They don't stop.

You guys can survive a little while in here,

but eventually you're gonna need supplies.

We can fix the fence.

By the way, that was Hank's fault.

We can do everything we can out here

to hold them off, but we need Isaac.

What part of "no" do you not understand?

She's in enough trouble as it is.

You and your people haven't

exactly been a good influence on her.

Look, sir, we gotta go. There's no time.

This is literally life or death. All I need

is five minutes, just five minutes.

10 minutes, that's all you get.

- Okay?

- Okay, yeah. That sounds good.

Just a minute.

What's the password?

Is it... Father Abraham had many sons

And many sons had Father Abraham?

You may pass.

Isaac? Isaac, are you decent?

No. I've gotten completely naked

since we last talked.

- Okay.

- I was being sarcastic.

- I know. Okay. Let's go.

- Okay.

Heavenly Father, just as you protected

David against Goliath, watch over us.

- Help us to rise up with strength.

- Yes, Father.

- We will fight with all we can.

- Hell, yeah.

And please speak to Isaac's heart

about her irresponsible use of marijuana.

- Please, God.

- In Jesus' name, amen.

Amen.

All right, I say we head out

to the west side, check that out first.

Carl, binoculars.

Chris.

Yeah, there they are just waiting.

Better to fight 'em here in the trees.

We should draw 'em here to us.

So just let them charge us

like a Civil War battle?

They got teeth. We got guns.

And Darnell's shooty thingy.

- So you can't shoot?

- I mean, I can shoot.

- Just most of the time, you miss.

- Yeah, that's the gist of it.

These living-dead douche bags

are easier to kill than you think.

How's that?

Well, for some reason,

their skulls are super soft.

I mean, I'm talking newborn-baby soft.

Guns are guns, but I guess there's more

than one way to kill the living dead.

Extremely convenient.

That is true.

Let's draw them in.

Hey! Hey! Over here!

Look at my neck!

You want to bite this?

Hey!

- You guys ready?

- No. I'm out of bullets.

Sh*t. All right, reload, reload!

Damn it!

All right.

Let's do it! Yeah!

You should try inner monologue.

It'd be really great

to actually hear your voice.

What was that?

- It's coming from the porch.

- Oh, my God! The stoners are here!

- What are they doing here?

- Sarah, be quiet. You'll attract more.

They probably smell your stew,

and it's giving them the whatchamacallits.

Munchies, Father.

- Take Mom to my old room.

- I am not leaving you here.

Damn it, Dad! Take her to my old room!

You watch your language, young lady.

Hey, we can take these a**holes.

Yeah, and you can do it without a gun.

- Soft skulls, you say?

- The softest.

Check this.

Awesome. Oh, sh*t.

I got an idea.

Nickelback!

What?

They make me want to blow my brains out.

Figured it might do the trick. Come on.

- Suck it!

- Yes!

Wait.

Hey, handsome... "Cloud Atlas,"

"Inception," and "Pan." Explain.

That was awesome.

Isaac? Isaac?

Come to your old bedroom,

which is now the guest room! Now!

Oh, sh*t. I bet they found my old bong.

- Or my magazine.

- Come on!

If you haven't heard already, the world's

top scientists have finally found a cure

for the disease and have released it

into the water supply.

Pretty obvious solution.

Surprised nobody thought of it before.

Anyway, the President released a statement

urging everyone to turn their sprinklers on.

Meanwhile, there's still no cure

for Miley Cyrus.

- Hey! Hey, come on!

- Hey!

Hey!

I got him.

No, I got him. I got him. I got him.

Oh, hell, yeah.

I was only five feet away that time.

For the love of God, man, use a gun.

Hey, that's that wanderer guy!

- I told you the rumors were true.

- Then why the hell'd you shoot him?

Oh, shi... oh, sh*t.

I was... I was just loading

the thing. I mean...

- It was already loaded!

- I know that now, Captain Obviouses!

Yeah. That's why I use this.

Darnell, what the hell you doing?

- Go getting my arrows.

- You got 20 in your fanny pack!

God damn it, would you get off me?

I just murdered a man.

Look out!

Oh, my God!

No!

Carl, take the shot if you got one.

I ain't got one!

My f***ing name is Chris!

Oh, my God!

Save me. You can amputate it.

Holy sh*t. That was hot.

Guys, guys, come back to the house!

Come back to the house!

Don't have to tell me again.

Come on.

- God, finally.

- It's inevitable, isn't it?

I wonder how the blood flow

is down there.

- I want to be with you forever.

- I'm sorry. What?

Our love... will bind us for eternity.

Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

How do I get out of this?

Bite me...

hard.

Oh, thank God.

- That was easy.

- Now we can be dead together.

I can't wait to tell Harlem.

- What's going on?

- What's going on with the feathers?

- I'll explain those later.

- Chicken zombies?

- Hey, guys! Guess what?

- What?

- Romeo and I are together.

- That's news.

Whatever that means.

Look, they found a cure.

- What?

- No bullshit.

They confirmed it last week.

They dumped the cure in the water.

It cures zombies on contact,

gets in through their bites,

through their sores,

any open wounds they might have.

- Butthole?

- What? Really?

And here I thought love

was making me human.

- Apparently it hurts like a son of a b*tch...

- Anything in the butthole does.

You regain consciousness. You're coming

alive. Who can complain about that?

Damn it!

So basically we just wait here

till they come by, and then we douse 'em.

I'm gonna go ahead and test this theory.

Yep, it stings.

You branded yourself? That's like

the sexiest, most hard-ass thing ever!

Well, that was the worst cover-up

I've ever heard.

- You totally knew.

- Branded, my ass. You been bit. When?

- About three weeks ago.

- Wait. This whole time?

- You been a zombie this whole time?

- You been deaf this whole time?

- Good God.

- And you, too!

No. Mine just happened

a few minutes ago.

- Anyone else?

- Holy sh*t, that's unpleasant!

Oh, my God!

Can I go back to being a zombie?

Matching bites. That's cute.

I can't believe I didn't realize

you were a zombie until just now.

I guess I was just blinded

by how panty-melting hot you are.

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