The War of the Roses Page #5

An excellent start.

I used to resent jokes like that.

Now I see them as simple truths.

- Lawyers...

Hello.

Honey, I can't talk right now.

I'm with a client.

Love you, miss you, want you... Bye!

I recently married.

Which is the last thing I ever thought

I'd do after what happened to the Roses.

When it comes to women...

I hope I'm a better man now than I was.

I know I'm a better lawyer,

when it comes to divorce.

I'll never make another mistake

like I made with Oliver.

Let's just concentrate on the job at hand.

She wants the house. You want the house.

- I'm the one who's living in a hotel room!

- Not for long.

- She claims she found the house.

- She did find it, right?

Yeah, but that's not the point. She says

she made it what it is. She didn't. She didn't.

I'm not keeping score but, if I were,

it'd be about 83 to 6 in my favour.

Of all the really... good stuff.

Those wonderful Staffordshire dogs...

In fact, most of the Staffordshires, I found.

And that Art-Deco rug and, uh...

And that stove in the kitchen? She wouldn't

have bought it if I hadn't pushed her!

Shoes. That's what she's good at buying.

I gotta have shelves in the closet

or she'd have them all over the place!

Here we go. You're gonna love this.

Civil Code, Title 16-9-0-4, Section C.

I used this once for a freebie divorce

I did for my cousin Paulie. Total loser.

Read.

"For the purposes of subsections

one and two of paragraphs..."

Here. Skip down to...

"Parties who have pursued separate lives..."

"Parties who have pursued separate

lives sharing neither bed nor board...

..shall be deemed to have lived apart...

..even though they reside

under the same roof..."

Even though they reside

under the same roof?

Yeah. The law was put on the books

for poor people:

folks who couldn't afford

separate residences. But we can use it.

- So I can move back in.

- If your divorce is settled in court,...

..it shows you're committed to the property.

Plus, you can see she doesn't sell the assets.

I can work on her,

get her to fold on the house.

No. No, Oliver, you don't even

deal with her. You avoid her.

Women can be a lot meaner than we think.

Never underestimate her as an adversary.

Don't talk to her.

No, no, no, I won't. Don't worry about me.

- Gavin... thank you.

- All right.

- All right, go on. Go home.

- This is the stupidest thing you've ever done!

- Second stupidest.

- You can't stay here!

- The law says I can.

Title 16-9-0-4, Section C.

Look it up, tootsie pie.

-

Tis the season to be jolly

Fa la la la-la la-la la-la

Don we now our gay apparel...

OK, Mom, you're on.

Let me see that bag.

Is that what you're gonna put on top?

- Yes, it is.

- Fine.

- Josh, plug it in, please.

- All right.

- It's a short.

- It's not a short.

One of the ornaments

is touching the sockets.

Fine.

You take care of it, Oliver.

Come on, it's Christmas time.

Let's get festive.

- I have to go out.

- I got stuff I gotta do in my room.

- Oh, God, my house is on fire!

- Mine too, babe!

Really, you idiot!

Wait up, babe!

Oh, my God!

Omar, do something!

- Fire!

- Mom!

Fire! Fire!

Call the police! I'll get the extinguisher!

- Stay out of the way!

- Coming through!

"One:
store in a cool place.

Two:
hold upright, pull pin out." OK.

- "Three:
stand back, aim away from face."

- Do it!

- Dad, hurry!

- All right! OK, OK! All right. OK, OK.

Dad! The curtain!

It's over. Thank God I was here!

The whole house could have gone up.

OK, OK. I'll get a sponge

and start cleaning up.

Maybe a rake... or a bulldozer.

It might not have been the lights.

You always know.

Rather than argue about who supposedly

did what, I'd like to reach some accord.

- Time is passing.

- I'd love to be done with this, too.

Right. If we leave settlement to the court,

the lawyers get everything!

So I've come up with a fair solution.

- You wanna hear it?

- Yes.

Now, I understand your point of view.

you've invested 18 years in this marriage.

That's worth a lot.

A tremendous amount. $163,800.

- How did you arrive at that number?

- Fairly.

- You do almost the same things as Susan.

- No! She's in college. She should make more.

Barbara!

There is no comparison whatsoever

between what she does and...

Her salary is a base, so I doubled it.

And that wasn't enough,

and then I tripled it,...

..and that's how I came up with this figure.

$490,633, approximately.

I shall give you that in cash. It won't be easy.

It'll be harder than hell,

but I'm gonna do it.

You just have to, you know,

agree to give up the house.

You owe me. You've gotten more out of

knowing me than I've got out of knowing you.

I'm not even gonna ask you what that means.

I found this house! I bought everything in it!

With my money! It's a lot easier to spend it

than it is to make it, honeybun!

You might not have made it

if not for me, sweet cakes!

You weren't even multiorgasmic

before you met me!

You expect me to keep

reassuring you sexually,...

..even now when we disgust each other?

-

Don't let this bother you.

It's all gonna work out.

The red areas are hers.

The yellow areas are mine.

Green is neutral.

The kitchen was difficult, but Barbara

came up with the idea of time allotment.

This seems rational to you both?

Yeah.

Oliver, my father used to say...

..that a man could never outdo a woman

when it came to love or revenge.

Why don't you let her have the house?

There are other houses. And other women.

No, no, no. I'm going to win because

I've got her to accept the ground rules.

Oliver, there is no winning in this.

It's only degrees of losing.

I got more square footage.

-

-

Sorry to disturb you, but I was wondering

if I could borrow a sleeping tablet.

- Did Oliver send you for it?

- No. Actually, no.

All right, you got me there.

Which is good,

because I'm uncomfortable with the charade.

It's nice to see somebody

still caring for somebody in this house.

- Good night, Susan.

- So, there will be no pills?

- Oh, kitty. Kitty, wait.

Kitty, kitty...

Do you want me to call around

to find an open drugstore?

I'll find one.

- Should I come?

- It's up to you.

- These are my favourite kind of cars.

- It's a Morgan.

Of course.

-

-

It's cosy.

-

- What was that?

- A bump of some sort.

Oh, Kitty! Oh, mein gott.

Look, why don't you go into the house

and find a large Ziploc bag?

- Ziploc?

- Yeah.

Oh, kitty. Kitty, kitty, kitty.

So much for the nine lives myth.

Here, kitty. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Pss, pss, pss!

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!

Here, puss, puss, puss!

Here, puss, puss, puss!

Pss, pss, pss.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Have you see my cat?

Are you talking to me?

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty. Come on, kitty.

Here, puss, puss, puss, puss.

Where are you, kitty? Come on!

Here, kitty, kitty!

Come on, kitty, kitty. Come on.

Here, puss, puss, puss.

Here, kitty. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...

- What did you do with my cat?

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