The Waterboy Page #7

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party with the lights on

- How's that, Steve ? | - [ Brays ]

Holding a glass | of champagne

- Everyone having fun | - [ Steve Braying ]

Trying to get out | of the rain

Everybody parties | on the New Year's Eve

party with the lights on

Take a look. The crowd has | never been bigger. You know why ?

- Look who's on the television, Mama. | - [ TV Continues ]

The devil.

500,000 intimate--

party on New Year's Eve

- Tell me what to see | - [ No audio ]

The peak of | the holiday season

- Everything's all right with me | - Who there ? Who there ?

Bringing in a new year

[ Crowd ] | Three, two, one !

- Happy New Year ! | - Happy New Year, Mama.

- [ ''auld Lang Syne'' ] | - My resolution is to | never hurt you again.

[ Snoring ]

Should auld acquaintance | be forgot

- and days of auld lang syne | - [ Crowd Chanting ] | Waterboy ! Waterboy !

Waterboy ! Waterboy !

[ Cheering ]

Bobby Boucher, all these folks | are here tonight...

to tell you that | they're sorry--

that they're sorry | for not supportin' you...

when it meant the most.

But you do have friends, | and one of 'em wants to say somethin'.

Come on.

l am not what you | would call a handsome man.

The good Lord chose not | to bless me with--

with charm, athletic ability | or a fully functional brain.

You see, | you're an inspiration...

to all of us who, | who weren't born handsome...

and charming | and cool and--

[ Sobbing ]

- l can't ! l can't ! | - lt's okay.

Bobby, if your mama | could only hear us right now,

we would tell her...

what a fine boy she raised,

and how much your playing football | means to this town.

But she can't hear you, | 'cause she's unconscious.

l'm sorry | to disappoint you all,

but please keep | your voices down...

so my mama | can get her rest.

[ all Groaning ]

Well, wake her ass up ! | We gotta win tomorrow !

[ Woman On p.a., | lndistinct ]

Mama ! Thank God, you're okay. | l'm so sorry.

l was so bad, Mama. | You were right about everything.

- l've been a real knucklehead. | - Oh, hush, baby.

You should've seen this | a long time ago.

Oh, my word !

- ls that my daddy ? | - No, no.

That's a guy l dated | before l met your father.

Oh, you could iron | a shirt on his stomach.

Well, that was lust, not love. | Turn the page.

There's your daddy.

- So handsome. | - Oh.

Read on.

''Dear Helen.'' | Who's Helen ?

That's my first name, Bobby.

Ohh !

''l have arrived here | in New Orleans.

''lt is even more beautiful | than in the picture books.

''l'm sure l'll have | no problem finding work,

''so you can expect my next letter | to contain lots of money.

Your loving husband, Robert.''

That's nice, Mama.

''Dear Helen.'' | That's you.

''l found a job | as a lemonade vendor,

''but sorry, | no money yet.

''New Orleans is | an expensive city.

''Expensive, but fun. | Hope all is well.

Robert.''

''To Whom lt May Concern:

''This will be my last letter.

''We have grown apart | over these last six weeks.

''l now have | two loves in my life:

''big-city livin' and | a voodoo woman named phyllis.

Ciao, Roberto.''

He changed his name | to Roberto.

l guess he thought | it was more exotic.

But Mama says that-- | l mean, you say that--

Bobby, your daddy didn't | go into no peace Corps.

He deserted us, baby.

No, no, Mama. | You-You--

You shouldn't be dredgin' up these | painful memories in your condition.

Oh, hush. Your mama's | as healthy as an ox,

and as dumb as one to boot.

l was so scared | you'd abandon me too.

and l made you abandon | all those people who depend on ya.

l hid you away from the world, | Bobby Boucher.

But l can't hog you | to myself no more,

because everyone's seen | how wonderful you are.

- Oh, Mama ! | - Now.

You go play fool's ball | with your friends.

[ Man ] Welcome to aBC's coverage | of the Bourbon Bowl.

Good afternoon, everybody. | l'm Brent Musburger, | along with my colleague, Dan Fouts.

and the big story here, Dan, is a game | that's lost some of its lustre...

without its star player, | the waterboy Bobby Boucher.

You know, Red's got a couple | of solid early rounders out there.

l know, but l really wanted to scout | that waterboy. Reminds me of Greg Lloyd.

- Naw. ''Zack'' Thomas. | - Whatever.

- ls she ready ? | - [ Clattering ]

Oh, yeah. | She's more than ready.

Come on, Bobby ! | You'll miss the boat !

Let's go, ladies.

[ Whistle Blowing ]

[ Musburger ] | We are underway !

The opening kickoff | is a beauty !

Holdsworth is gonna bring it out | from nine yards deep.

- Come on. | - [ Grunting ]

- Yeah ! | - [ Grunting, Groaning ]

Dan, they're showing no respect | for this team without Boucher.

[ Fouts ] Good reason, Brent. | 109 yards untouched.

-[ Cheering ] | -Touchdown, Cougars ! They strike first.

[ Yelling, Shouting ]

-[ Whistle Blowing ] | -Time running down in the first quarter.

Cougars lead is 17-0.

Set !

Three ! Thirty-three !

- [ Growling ] | - Three ! Thirty-three ! Hut !

Dan, that quarterback can't even | get the ball off before he's hit.

lt's as if they're in | the offensive huddle with him.

- [ Laughing ] | - [ Muttering ]

are you gonna finish | that hot dog, Jimmy ?

Ugh ! Now l'm not.

[ Bobby ] Mama, you think | we'll make it on time ?

Hang on ! l'll show you what | a.J. Foyt taught me.

[ Musburger ] That's the end of | the half. The Cougars are dominating.

Let's hope the Mud Dogs | can make some adjustments.

- Well, they better, 'cause they suck. | - Mm-hmm.

anybody got an idea ?

Hey.

- Remember the time Bobby tackled | the referee by mistake ? | - [ Chuckling ]

Yeah, that was pretty funny.

How about the time he tackled | the guy from Louisville...

- and threw him into the stands ? | - [ all Laughing ]

Y'all remember when he intercepted | the ball and his pants fell off ?

and then he ran for | the touchdown, bare-assed.

Remember the time Bobby-- | [ Mumbling lncoherently ]

Remember when Bobby Boucher | showed up at halftime and the | Mud Dogs won the Bourbon Bowl ?

[ Cheering, Shouting ]

Hey, sorry about givin' you | so much sh*t this year.

You're the heart and soul | of this team, Bobby.

and the only one of us | who could've passed that test.

Thank you all so much | for being my friends.

Well, let's wait till later | to hold hands and kiss. | We got a Bowl game to win.

- Right ? | - [ all Together ] Yeah !

- Two, three ! | - [ all ] Mud Dogs ! Woof !

[ Musburger ] | ln a dramatic turn of events,

Bobby Boucher | just arrived at halftime.

and on a fan boat, Brent. His mother | drove him right into the stadium.

[ players Shouting, | Hooting ]

[ Crowd Chanting ] | Waterboy ! Waterboy !

Waterboy ! Waterboy !

Waterboy ! Waterboy !

Fool's ball's | not for the devil.

lt's for my Bobby.

Time to open up | some whoop-ass.

[ Cheering, Chanting | Continues ]

Sh*t, he showed up. | all right, look.

Just relax. Relax. Go in there and | do exactly like we planned. Go, go, go !

This could be the start | of some high drama, folks.

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