The Waterboy Page #6

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in Cherokee plains, | Louisiana.

Now, the problem with that...

is there ain't no South Lafayette High | School in Cherokee plains, Louisiana.

- So obviously, this is a fake ! | - [ Crowd Gasping ]

However, this is not a fake.

This is from the N.C.a.a.

They don't think you ought | to play football no more.

So allow me to say this to you | one more time:

You're fired.

Oh, no ! | We suck again !

Ever see a championship ring ?

- Don't be messin' with the champ. | Come on, Laski. | - You didn't go to high school ?

l was home schooled. | l-l didn't know l needed--

- Forged a fake transcript. | - No, no, l-l-l didn't.

- The waterboy's a cheater. | Cut his head off. | - [ Crowd agreeing ]

Listen, everybody ! | This don't change nothin' !

We played as a team, | we won as a team.

and just because | the waterboy's a cheater,

don't change the fact | that the real Mud Dogs...

are gonna kick | some Cougar ass.

Mud Dogs ! Mud Dogs !

[ Together ] Mud Dogs ! | Mud Dogs ! Mud Dogs ! Mud Dogs !

Mud Dogs ! Mud Dogs ! Mud Dogs ! | Mud Dogs ! Mud Dogs !

Mud Dogs ! Mud Dogs ! Mud Dogs ! | Mud Dogs ! Mud Dogs ! Mud Dogs !

- That's the way ! | - [ Cheering ]

Sorry, Bobby.

Oh, what a lonely boy

Believe me, | l-l understand.

Yeah, and you're | deeply appreciated, Mr Dodd.

Thank you so much. | Bye-bye.

Good news, Bobby.

- The N.C.a.a. is gonna allow you | to play in the Bourbon Bowl. | - Yes.

You just have to pass the high school | equivalency test.

lt's not the test, Coach.

Everybody hates me.

That's not true.

One man said he wanted | to decapitate me.

Nobody else thought that | to be too bad of an idea.

Somebody made me | look like a-a-a cheater.

l did it. l did it. l did it ! | l did it ! l did it !

- lt was me. | - Why ?

Because l wanted you to play. | Because you were my way out, Bobby.

'Cause it was the only way | to get you in.

l am so sorry.

Why didn't you s-stick up for me | down by the river ?

The truth is, l fled.

l came into my office, | l went under my desk, l cried.

l cried. l cried | like a ten-year-old girl !

[ Groaning ]

Red and l have a history.

Twenty years ago, | we were assistants to Coach Cavanaugh...

at the University | of Louisiana.

Red ran the practices, | and l used to come up with the plays.

Oh, boy, was l good.

l would write these foolproof plays | in my little green notebook that l had.

- The opposition | didn't even know what hit 'em. | - [ Door Knocking ]

and when Coach Cavanaugh | was going to retire,

me and Red, we just knew that one of us | was gonna be his successor.

[ Disco ]

- Hey, Red. | - How ya doin' ?

Come by to wish me luck ?

Well, not exactly, no, no. | actually, l come by to get you | to do ol' Red a little favour.

Sure. What's up ?

Well, you know that green | notebook you use to write | all them football plays in ?

Well, l need to show Cavanaugh that | l can come up with some good play ideas.

But you didn't come up | with them.

They're my plays. | l need them.

Klein, l'm gonna have | this book one way or another,

so you might as well let the damn | thing go, 'cause if you don't,

it's gonna get awfully, | awfully physical around here.

and l don't think | you want that, do you ? Huh ?

[ Cackling ]

Of course, Red got the job. | Next day, fired me.

Once he had my notebook, | he didn't need me any more.

l didn't take it very well.

No, Grandma, | l didn't get it.

l can't believe it myself.

l know. | l'm so numb.

l just hate him, | l hate him, l hate him.

That is a terrible story, Coach.

- But why-why don't you just | come up with some new plays ? | - l tried.

- l can't. | - Yes.

l guess l have a mental block, | you know, ever since Red took | my playbook and my manhood.

l knew what he was gonna do !

and l just didn't fight back.

Well, you're gonna show him | that you're a man on Saturday.

and l'm gonna show everybody | that l'm not a dummy.

l'm gonna go study.

[ Fiddle ]

Mama, maybe you could stop brushin' | my hair so l can read.

Read ?

You don't have to read.

- What you readin' for ? | - 'Cause l enjoys it, Mama.

Don't look like to me you enjoys it, | sittin' there all grouchy.

Mama, l gotta read this book | and six other books tonight, | or else l can't play foot--

ball.

Fool's ball ? You playin' | the fool's ball behind my back ?

The only reason l'm doin' this | so, so l can go to school.

School ? You goin' to school ? | [ Screams ]

- [ Steve Braying ] | - Sorry, Mama. l wanted to tell you.

You off gallivantin' with your fancy | fool's ball friends at school,

while l'm sittin' here all day | with nobody to keep me company, | except Steve ?

The chickens are comin' home | to roost, Bobby Boucher.

You reap the fruit | of your selfish ways.

You're gonna lose all your | fancy fool's ball games...

and you're gonna fail your big exam, | because school is--

- The devil ? | - [ Gasps ]

Everything is the devil | to you, Mama !

Well, l like school, | and l like football !

and l'm gonna keep doin' them both | because they make me feel good !

and by the way, Mama, | alligators are ornery...

because of their | medulla oblongata !

and l like Vicki, | and she likes me back !

and she showed me her boobies, | and l liked them too !

The Louisiana High School | Equivalency Examination...

consists of 300 | multiple choice questions.

You have three hours. | Good luck to you, sir.

[ Knocking On Window ]

Well, l was born | in a small town

and l live | in a small town

lf l could die | in a small town

Or the small communities

Ben Franklin.

Mama, when did Ben Franklin | invent electricity ?

That's nonsense ! | l invented electricity.

Ben Franklin is the devil !

l can't believe | you got a 97 !

l-l-l can't believe | that l-l-l told Mama...

that l got feelings for you.

Well, welcome to your manhood, | Bobby Boucher.

When we get a little more time, | l'll welcome you properly.

Yes, once again, l'm not quite sure | what that means, but--

- [ Siren Wailing ] | - You know, we should get goin'.

l told the coach that | l'd drive to the game with him.

[ Tyres Screeching ]

l was with you from two to four | last night. You-You tell them.

- [ Brakes Screech ] | - [ Car Door Opens ]

Bobby, your mama got sick this mornin'. | She's in the hospital.

Mama, what have l done ?

l'm so sorry, Mama.

Doctors say... they can't figure out | what's wrong with her.

But l know what's wrong.

She got a broken heart | because of me.

Bobby, that's ridiculous.

Everybody else in this town | turn on me at the drop of a hat.

Mama is the only one who really cares | if l live or die.

She my whole world.

Will you just | leave us alone ?

She'll be fine, Bobby. | We better get going.

God knows what the team is doing | with just Farmer Fran watching them.

- [ Shouting, lndistinct ] | - [ Rock ]

[ Woman On p.a., | lndistinct ]

Everybody parties | on the New Year's Eve

- You really made it look like home. | - Waiting for the countdown

Make a lot of promises | they never keep

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