The Wedding Party Page #10

seats to the next ou game.

He did what you

couldn't do, Colt.

He appeased the masses,

and he signed my forearm.

Okay, that wasn't on your

list of shitty demands.

Hey Colt.

I bet you had fun

in high school.

You kiddin' me?

Best five years of my life.

Only human voted

prom king twice.

Look it up.

I was f***in'

miserable in high school.

I was trying so hard to

get into a good college,

I never experienced anything.

And then when you

got into college

you probably didn't have any fun

cause you were just

trying to get a job.

And I got a job.

And a house and car

and a cat and...

That's it.

Cool.

I was never fingered

in high school.

Makes sense.

I mean...

No offense, but I

could only imagine

getting fingered by a teenage

boy is just like, you know...

What?

Well...

It's like getting your vagina

played with by a chimpanzee.

Oh my god.

Get out!

No, I wanna touch your...

But I wanna be the

chimpanzee that does.

Stop!

Hey you know what?

At least you have a job.

What happened?

Well I lost it

because I got fired

from the Cherokee casino,

dealing Blackjack wrong.

For cheating?

No, I wish.

Just counting the

cards too slow.

Cause sometimes there's

like a lot of cards

that equal 21,

and sometimes

there's like an Ace

and the Ace is worth two or one,

different point values.

Shh, it's boring.

I'm boring?

Yeah, you're boring.

I'm boring?

I like that you eat

food off the floor cause

I don't trust people that

don't eat food off the floor.

How do you do it?

How do you keep

your sh*t together?

You know, besides now...

Now you're little

miss loaded lady face.

I could help you.

With what?

Basic addition.

Is that a joke?

But you have to teach

me how to have fun.

Sign me up, where do I sign up,

I'm the president of...

Okay well this isn't

fun, this is more...

Just f***in' weird.

Whoa.

Nevermind, this is

f***ing awesome.

Oh!

How deep is my...

Greta.

Greta, look at this!

Look!

What is missing from my finger?

The f***ing ring!

You did it!

Hey, you did it!

What was that?

What'd you just do?

Spit it up, no spit it up.

Greta, spit it up,

we're not f***ing

around right now.

What was that,

that was bullshit!

Come on, no!

F*** me!

Okay!

F*** me, no don't f*** me,

f***ing, are you serious?

Oh my god, I gotta get

Jim, I gotta get Jim,

put your f***in' head

on the cape and pillow.

I gotta find Jim, I

gotta find Jim again.

Oh dear god.

Pastor Kyle, pray me

a good one brother.

Yo Jesus, help this bro...

that's terrible.

Oh, f***ing Jim.

Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.

Where are you Jim!

Hey Tobias.

Dad.

Yeah, I notice you've

been quiet all evening.

I'm sorry I haven't

really been around,

I've just been running

around, greeting folks.

You are a f***ing moron.

How's that?

You know...

When little Margene was born,

my life changed forever.

Wait, I can't believe

you just said that.

Seriously, that's exactly how

I've been feeling tonight.

Like everything is changing

like with my friends...

yeah, well your

friends are also morons.

I know that because I've

been listening to them

all god damn night.

They mean well if

you just give them...

would you just shut

up and let me finish?

Yes sir.

Now being her father.

Probably the most important

and fulfilling thing

I've ever done in my life.

But...

Now I gotta let

my little girl go.

Which brings me to why you

are such a f***ing moron.

Um...

Well son, because I've been

sitting here all night long

feeling all depressed because

I'm not gonna see

little Margene as much.

But you.

You get to spend the rest

of your life with her.

And I've barely

seen her all night.

Do you love her?

Love her?

Sir...

She's my favorite

person, my every thought

is consumed with trying

to make her happy,

trying to take care of her.

Well there, you have a

problem right there son

because we don't

take care of Margene,

Margene takes care of us.

But you know, when her momma

died last year, well...

She started coming to me

with her issues and...

Believe you me, she's got some

mighty god damn big issues.

Well...

I'm not her mother and I

didn't know what to say,

didn't know what to do...

Until I realized.

You see...

All Margene ever needs

is someone to listen.

And someone to let her know

that she is not alone.

I am a f***ing moron.

Well, we agree on something.

So I tell you what son,

you got a choice to make.

Now, you can either man

up in the next 10 minutes

and become a real husband,

or I tell you what...

I'll shove my hand

so far up your ass

and drag you down

to the courthouse

and sign the annulment

in your god damn blood,

you got me?

Yes, yes sir.

You "feel" me?

I do.

Sir, I'll just keep it at sir.

Glad we had this talk.

Yo, yo, yo.

Hey, hey, hey.

You see Jim?

No, have you seen Margene?

No.

Have you guys seen Lisa?

No, maybe she's with Margene.

No, I think she's with Skyler.

Okay, okay, okay, okay,

so maybe Margene is with Greta.

No, no, no, Greta's

face down in the cake,

maybe Margene's with Quentin!

I'm Quentin.

Oh sweet, right on man.

Hey, I gotta find Jim.

Good luck Paul, good luck...

Quentin.

Jesus Christ, you guys,

are you f***ing kidding?

Everyone could see you.

- Hey Jim, what's up dog?

- Hey Jim!

Bout to get a game going, man.

What are you doing,

you interrupted.

Hey, is Quentin with you?

Is he looking for me though?

Is he following you,

is he looking for me?

Quentin!

Quentin?

Is he behind the bushes?

I don't know.

Who's back there?

Hey, Quentin.

No, I'm sorry guys.

Hi, it's just me.

Bethanie, what

are you doing back here?

Just being sad mostly.

And then you guys showed

up, started making out,

I freaked out, I

jumped into the bushes.

I'm sorry, I've just

been throwing up

for unrelated, food

related reasons.

Why you hiding from us?

I like you.

Like more than just a friend,

I think that you're

the coolest, cutest guy

that I know.

Really?

Really?

And I don't wanna see

you with another girl,

I wanna see you with me.

I'm sorry, I just had to say it.

Okay I'm sorry,

but that's my man

that you're talking about there.

- Okay, Lisa.

- No, no, no.

For all you know, Scott

and I have something

very special going on...

Skyler and I have something

very special going on here.

You do, huh?

Oh no, Quentin's found us.

Hey, okay.

We've all...

Quentin, calm down.

I'm gonna kill you,

you slutty piece of sh*t!

Hey, hey!

Whoa!

Oh my god!

Oh my god!

He just pulled off my...

Actual real hair!

- Okay, all right.

- Is there blood, Jim?

- No, no.

- Is there?

I'll kill you!

No, no!

All right come on!

You guys, we're adults

with college degrees

for Christ's sake.

Not I!

Ged.

What do you want, Colt?

Coming in warm

with some hot news,

and a little bit of cold.

Sizzling stuff first,

the ring is off.

Woo!

All right, ice cold...

Greta swallowed it.

So, we're working with...

I'm gonna f***ing kill you!

You f***ing idiot!

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