The Wedding Party Page #8

Booze is strong, the girls suck.

And inevitably end up

hanging out with you all night.

It's like college all over ago.

Well, I don't mind

hanging out with you.

Really?

You're telling me

there's no guys here

that you want to have

had your pipes laid in,

laid to the...

What?

Sorry.

That doesn't even make

sense, and it was confusing...

- I'm drunk.

- And kinda graphic.

And who here would I

lay pipe with anyway?

Colt?

No.

God no.

You deserve much...

Much better.

All right.

I'll see you around, Bethy.

Ow.

Kinda got my boob on that one.

Tried pretty hard

to catch that bouquet.

Oh, yeah, I don't

know what that was.

I'm just confident

this is gonna last.

Don't pressure me

into anything, okay?

We'll just keep it cool.

What we'll do.

You know, I think

god had creator's block

you are a walking

f***ing stereotype.

Well obviously Satan

didn't have the same

problem with you.

You're creatively evil!

Idiot!

The Elon musk of hatefulness...

oh good one!

The inception of

sluttiness, just layers...

so creative!

And layers of whorish behavior.

You know what, Quentin?

Every single time we get close...

you f*** a dude in prison?

No, he was on trial.

For murder!

For manslaughter!

If we go back in there,

I will hate myself.

Oh please, if we

go back in there

it's because I hate myself.

Ow.

Get in!

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

Now, go, go, go.

Faster, faster, faster.

Bethanie?

Don't go on this dance floor!

Gonna find a dude to finger me!

What are you doing?

Come with me.

Oh god.

Not feeling so good.

Ugh, god.

I'm sorry, excuse me, hi.

Excuse me, sir...

What, what?

Do you have like tums or bab...

it's buffet style, senorita!

- What?

- I can't get everything!

Why would that be

on the buffet table?

Why are you yelling at me?

Want a salami sensation?

Oh god Colt, get out of my way.

Man!

Everybody keeps taking

a hot dump on me.

Yeah, yeah.

Everybody keeps

shitting on me too,

and still expects

so much, right?

Yeah!

I don't even have

big dreams, you know?

Just little mini,

miniature size ones

and everyone still

squashes them, you know?

My future, my life.

Bro.

I'm a f***in' joke.

I know dude, I know.

I know you know,

everybody knows.

Colt the f*** up,

we get the message.

You know?

But you know...

Sh*t's gotta change.

Yeah.

Know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Yeah, you know what?

He's right.

He's right.

I am right!

Yeah, listen to this guy!

Listen to me, people.

We have to unionize!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We have been

persecuted for too long,

today we go on strike!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What about the reception?

F*** the reception, man.

We're occupying the kitchen,

we are the 99 percent.

Actually, they far

outnumber you out there.

We have been treated

unfairly for too long,

we will be paid equally

at a rate fairly.

Solidarity, my brothers!

Stop it!

What are you doing, maxi?

- You did it!

- No, you did this!

You did it, you're

the man, revolucion!

We're not friends!

Strike, strike, strike, strike!

We're done.

You're the man!

Oh my god.

Damn it!

How'd that happen?

Hey, Greta, where's

Jim, have you seen Jim?

What are you doing,

have you see Jim?

Whoa, hey, you dipping?

You dip, I dip, we dip.

Get low.

You dip, I dip, we dip.

Ah, Jim.

Jim!

Jim!

Jim!

So what do you wanna sing?

I don't know the name

of it but it's like...

You don't know me

you don't really

please stop?

Why do you wanna sing that?

It was just a certain

girl's favorite song from 06

and I'm a big believer

in grand gestures, so.

Sorry, but...

We just play swing,

jazz, big band...

And mid aughties ballets.

So you're in luck.

Thanks man.

F***.

Let's get serious for a second.

Does jet fuel get

hot enough to...

excuse us for one...

Hey...

Jim!

Hey, what's up buddy?

I'm talking to this

pretty lady right now.

How much you got to drink in the

last like hour and 20 minutes?

Um, I don't know.

Have you checked your p*ssy?

Gotcha.

- Right, okay.

- Roasted.

You notice anything

peculiar about her?

Oh, yeah, Jim...

I checked, first thing.

No ring.

Okay, look again.

Pretty hot.

Look again.

She's fat as sh*t.

I'm pregnant.

Hey lady...

Shh!

Can she hear us?

Every word.

So, you're not

seeing anyone then?

All right.

Where was I?

Tower seven.

He's flirting with literally

every single woman here

except for me.

How do I get him

to see me that way?

You're trying too hard.

See, my mother

taught me not to act

like some desperate

schoolyard floozy.

Am I a floozy?

You want a boy's attention?

Give him as little as possible.

In my day we called that

playing hard to get.

You might wanna write that down.

I think I'm okay.

It drives the boys wild.

It's how I got my Sully here.

Isn't that right, honey?

Oh you are just so

sweet, thank you so much.

And you're a real c*nt!

Jim!

Jim!

You sir, have a beautiful home.

I love the parties here,

back in high school...

We used to dry hump all

over your tennis court.

Sometimes wet.

We all did.

Not her.

That's a child.

Margie's dad.

Or can I call you Tobias?

Spit it to me

straight, Tobester.

How much easier was it to

get laid back in the day?

Cause today...

Sucks.

I mean, I tried it all.

I tweet, I swipe, I snap.

Feminism.

Best case scenario...

I get a Hummer in the

back seat of my Camry.

Good.

Paul's got the right

idea, you know.

He's just...

Lock and park Margie down now,

so every night he can

just f***ing cuddle.

And procreate, respectively.

In the marital bed, so you

can have grandchildren.

I'm sorry.

That's potpourri.

My grandpa, he used to

take me to feed the birds.

And now...

I have no grandpa,

no girlfriend,

and no pigeon.

It doesn't matter

how much I try.

I can't get the

blood off my hands.

You've been to war,

you know what it's like.

It was like...

Like a balloon

full of spaghetti.

And the beak?

The beak is barely

on there, man.

I've been holding on to it

I can't let it go.

All right, we have...

Where's the beak?

24 minutes to get...

I lost the beak!

Out the door,

that's up to the cake.

Speaking of which,

once we cut the cake...

That's it, we're done,

like this is over.

That deserves a

celebratory dance.

Oh wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Yeah.

I'm in, I'm in.

All right, let's try this.

Ever since that girl

said hello to me

I'm in as dizzy

as a lovesick fool could be

on my face you see a smile

where there used to be a frown

why do you have this like dra...

no, no, no, no, don't,

don't, don't, stop.

Okay, wow.

What the f*** is this, Jim?

It's...

It's an engagement ring.

Yeah.

Look, this looks weird okay,

but this is weird.

Okay, all right,

the past few weeks

it's just been a haze,

and I proposed and I forgot

it was in there until tonight,

so I've been carrying

around this ring

like a depressed Frodo Baggins.

Look...

Yeah, come here.

Look, Jim.

We have had a lot of fun tonight

but you clearly still

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