The Wedding Party Page #7

you sure you good?

All right, yeah, no, give

me a beer, please, please.

Yeah, I'll be right

back, all right?

Okay.

Come on little buddy.

Hey Jim, almost

busted that bird myth.

Okay!

Come on little

buddy, eat the rice.

Eat it, come on.

Yep.

Hey, can I get two beers

when you have a second?

What the hell just happened?

Bubbles.

Go bubbles.

Hey, can I get a...

Do you want anything?

No, I'm good thanks.

Can I just get five

shots of absinthe, neat.

What's got...

I just, I don't know,

thought a part of me was gone,

but it's not.

Oh it's back.

That's so good champ.

That's so good, thank you.

Did the pigeon really just...

for the love of god, bubbles!

Thank you.

Why?

For the bird.

Thank you so much, sir.

Two shots of Jager!

Have a shot of Jager

with me, will ya?

I'm good, honestly.

Nah, you'll drink it.

Okay.

Hey, to cobras and condoms.

Two things I don't f*** with.

Whatever.

I haven't had Jager

since college.

Oh, that's the yeah.

Best part about

getting the Redshirt.

Another year of

college, of football.

Of Jager.

Look at that.

And of Alex.

Yeah, yeah.

I heard you two split up, huh?

No, no.

This is a game we play.

She gets pissed, and

she takes me back.

That's why I bought you a drink.

Oh no, it's open bar actually.

Because I...

I remember you, Jim...

As a nice, harmless show

choir, Billy Elliot dance boy.

And I just don't want you

getting your hopes up.

You know?

I think she actually

moved on, so, sorry.

Okay.

Yeah, come here.

I'm good.

No, come here.

Alex knows me, okay?

She knows what she's

getting, and she likes it.

She likes it.

Okay.

She'll always take

me back, you got that?

Sure.

So I will see you out there!

All right?

Yeah!

Byah!

I'm f***in' with you, dude.

I'm f***in' with you.

What a goober.

What have we got here?

Boomer!

Yo, you won't believe

this hick sh*t wedding

Alex brought me to.

Your beer.

Bless you child.

Thank you.

Yeah, cheers.

Cheers.

Their first date was prom, too.

Yeah, he asked her

with the marching band.

Hell of a big gesture.

Ugh, and now they are

Mr. and Mrs. Harrison.

I hope she doesn't

change her name on Facebook.

Please, she will.

They all do, like, immediately,

and then I'm going through

my feed and I'm like...

Because nobody has

the same name anymore.

You know, giving away your

last name is just, it's weird.

You're losing a part of yourself

which is completely unnecessary.

Frankly, like marriage itself.

Come on, you don't believe that.

Yeah, I do.

I don't know, maybe, but I

mean look at Tim Robbins,

Susan Sarandon,

never got married.

Yeah, they split

up a few years ago.

No, they...

Yeah.

Sh*t.

Sh*t, I have been using

that example for so long

that I completely forgot.

When did you become a cynic?

I have to be very

logical in my job,

thank you very much.

Hot yoga?

F*** you.

F*** you, I'm not cynical okay?

I'm just, I...

I'm cautious.

I like to weigh

the pros and cons

of all aspects of my life

and when it comes to men,

I just need them to

be like sweet mostly,

nice enough, dependable

ish, and you know...

That's enough for me, and I

don't really need much more

and that way I don't

get in too deep

and I never get hurt,

and it's great, I win.

So great.

We should get back

to the binder...

I feel like it's probably

around 40 minutes, so.

Do it.

Yeah, cool, thank you.

Yeah, of course.

Hey, couple words?

Yo, just a few words.

Just a few words.

Yo, can I get a word.

Oh, it's you.

Yeah.

Listen, Daddio.

You were aces in the audition.

Yeah, thanks.

But you lack true star power.

The charisma to get

a clip joint jumpin'.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey man.

I've been working on

some groovy new moves.

Come on, give me another chance.

Another chap, another chance.

Even swing music had another

shot at swing revival.

Hey, I find the term

"swing revival" offensive.

It's as if it ever

went anywhere.

Sorry about that, not sorry.

You know what?

Maybe I'll just

start my own band

and I will be at every

wedding destroying it

better than you.

Hey, guess what?

You got the ring off?

Balls!

Colt!

Buddy.

Hey, newlyweds!

Hey, Kyle!

Pastor Kyle.

That's as promised,

I will introduce you to

your marriage mentor.

Ned, Ned, come here.

Ned and his wife have the

strongest and dopest relationship

of anyone I know.

He can answer all

your questions, man.

Actually, I just need a

minute alone with Margene.

No, I couldn't help overhearing

you're having some anxieties.

A little, yeah.

I mean I love

Margene, of course...

But it's just such

a big step forward.

Well, it's normal to be nervous

about making love

for the first time.

I'm sorry?

See, the key to

pleasuring your wife

is orgasm via stimulating

both the g spot

and the clitoris.

The clitoris is the

bean shaped knob

at the top of the vagina...

hey uh, Kyle?

Pastor Kyle.

Pastor Kyle?

Do you think we should be

talking about this right here?

Married sex is a godly thing,

it's where Jesus thrives.

Ned, go on.

Pay attention, okay?

Oh, great.

He used to go down on me for

25 or 30 minutes at a time.

You know, about the

length of a night court.

But...

Oh, nice to see you.

But no more.

So, I just wanted

to warn you that

over time the rule

of thumb is generally

the amount of attention your

husband lavishes on you now,

eventually that's just

gonna be cut in half.

You know, it's kind

of a shame but...

What can we do?

If we love them, we just

have to find a workaround

which I've done cause, you know.

I've got a thing for bald guys.

So, tell me about

your friend Skyler?

Um...

We get our personal

massagers from Walgreens,

it's very inexpensive.

But don't get the

penis shaped kind,

that's for homosexuals.

Well!

Good luck tonight!

You chill.

Finally we're together.

And now time for

the garter toss!

It's what's next, I'm sorry,

I don't know, I don't know.

Let's keep it going.

Let's just...

Oh, hey.

I've just been doing

a lot of thinking.

Tonight, you know,

it's just like...

And hear me out

here, it's like...

I don't know, the whole

weight of everything

is just like hitting me now.

I know, also we've

only been married about...

okay.

Looks like I'm

gon' get married now,

I caught the underwear thingy.

Don't you have pneumonia?

No?

Yes you do.

No, must've got me mixed

up with somebody else.

Now come on, let's

get that picture.

What is your last name?

Johnson.

I was saying, we've

only been married an hour

and yet things aren't perfect.

They aren't okay,

they aren't anything.

The future's looking bright.

Hi, ladies, sorry.

I don't know why you

would've gotten it earlier,

but I heard that

the fish went bad,

so we should avoid that tonight.

This is why I never eat fish.

Yeah, okay, great.

You're so lucky

that you're married.

Oh just tell him

you like him already!

Wow look, there's Skyler!

Life, it's fragile.

Hey dude.

Hey.

How's your night?

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