The Wedding Ringer

(DIALING PHONE)

(PHONE RINGING)

SETH; (ON PHONE) Hello.

Hi. Seth?

Yeah?

Hey, there, it's Doug.

Um, I'm sorry.

Doug who?

Doug Harris.

You know, Doug Harris.

"Persian Rug Doug"?

"Chili Cheese Doug"?

"SPF 60"?

(LAUGHS)

Oh, of course, man.

SPF 60,

how are you, brother?

It's been a long time.

I, uh, know we haven't

spoken in a while

but I was actually

calling because

I've actually got

some really great news.

I'm getting married, bud. Wow!

That's amazing. Congratulations.

We're very excited and, in

fact, I'm doubly excited

because I'm calling

to see if maybe

you would want

to be my best man.

(SETH CHUCKLES WEAKLY)

Wow. Um, I mean,

this is a little bit awkward.

I feel like

we're not at that level.

It feels like we don't know

each other that well. You know?

No, I don't feel that way.

What about that...

Seth, what about that

weekend in Carlsbad Caverns?

I mean, that was

the 9th grade field trip.

The whole class went.

Can I give you the dates?

Maybe you just want to look into it.

(LINE DISCONNECTS)

Are you still there, Seth?

MAN 1:
I don't know

what to say, Doug.

I mean, I didn't

invite you to my wedding.

That's okay. That's okay.

Yeah, you can't invite

everyone that you want to.

Actually, we did invite

everyone we wanted to.

(LAUGHS) We had,

like, 400 guests.

Freshman year?

Your roommate?

MAN 2:
I heard you died.

No. No, that's Len Brophy.

I'm the other one.

Truth be told, uh, you're the

first person I thought of.

Is that a yes or a no?

Hola, Eduardo.

(LINE BEEPS)

RECORDING:
We're sorry.

You have reached a number

that has been disconnected,

or is no longer in service.

If you feel you have reached

this recording in error,

please check the number and

try your call again. (SIGHS)

(GROANING)

Ow!

(GROANING CONTINUES)

DOUG:
Stephen!

Tonight's the night

Hey!

Let's live it up

Let's live it up

I got my money

Roberta!

Let's spend it up

Let's spend it up

Go out and smash it

Smash it

DOUG:
Stephen!

Jump off that sofa

Come on

Let's get, get off

ls everyone

out of the office?

Maze! tov

L'Chaim

And then

we'll do it again

Timothy!

Let's do it

Let's do it,

let's do it, do it

Somebody!

Help!

And do it,

and do it

I can't feel

my f***ing legs!

I gotta feeling

That tonight's

gonna be a good night

That tonight's

gonna be a good night

That tonight's gonna be

a good, good night

I gotta feeling

Whoo-hoo

That tonight's

gonna be a good night

That tonight's

gonna be a good night

That tonight's gonna be

a good, good night

Tonight's the night

Let's live it up

I got my money

Let's spend it up

Go out and smash it

Like, oh, my God

Jump off that sofa

ALL:

Let's get, get off!

Fill up my CUP

ALL:

Maze! tov!

Look at her dancing

Just take it

ALL:

Off!

Let's paint the town

We'll Shut it down

Let's burn the...

ALL:

Roof!

'Cause I gotta feeling

(MAN LAUGHING)

You have to know that. Okay.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

I ain't lying.

Yeah. I've always been a bit

of a hopeless romantic myself.

If our true match

exists somewhere,

it's our goal in life

to find her.

But, see, Andrew's a bit

more rational than me.

Andrew always believed

that "the one"

was a farce created

by musicians and Hollywood.

Until last December.

Andrew calls my cell phone

and he says,

"Remember all that

stuff I said about"

"there being no such

thing as 'the one'?"

He said, "Well, I was wrong.

Her name is Gina Baker."

"And she doesn't

know this yet,"

"but she's going

to be my wife."

GUESTS:
Aw.

And I knew at that moment

that this Gina Baker

was the luckiest girl

in the world.

But after getting to know

you these past few days,

and as I look at

you tonight, Gina,

I know at this moment

that Andrew is the

luckiest guy in the world.

Because I know that you

both have found "the one."

GUESTS:
Aw.

Ah. I said I'm not going to do it.

(SNIFFLES)

I want to propose a toast.

This is to the groom,

my best friend,

(GUESTS CHEERING)

and his beautiful

new bride.

This is to

"happily ever after."

I love you both.

WOMAN:
Cheers!

(APPLAUSE)

(GUESTS WHISTLING

AND CHEERING)

Congrats, man.

MAN:
Great speech.

So, are you still

the hopeless romantic?

Well, I wouldn't say

"hopeless."

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hey, can I speak to you for a minute?

Like, two seconds.

Yeah. Uh, I'll be

fightback,babe.

(CHUCKLES)

ANDREW:
I don't even

know what to say, man.

Did you see their faces?

They were smiling.

Hey, hey!

Man, did you see the beautiful

titties on that girl back there?

I'm trying to tag her ass before she

passes out, so if you could just...

Yeah, sure. Um, your

wig's a little askew.

That's fine. Thank you. Okay.

So, I guess that's it.

You know the rules.

I do. I just thought that...

Thought what? I thought we

maybe hit it off, right?

No. We definitely didn't.

Oh.

You're a great kid, but

unfortunately, a deal is a deal.

There's no contact

after final payment.

I should have

charged you more.

I'm serious, man. You got

the real deal tonight.

I was in the zone, baby.

Yeah, great.

No, we don't do that.

Sure.

Thank you, man.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Easy come

Easy go

After you.

Feel the shot

Body rock

Rock it, don't stop

Where to, boss? Just drive, Otis.

Just drive.

And I'm feeling

Whoo-hoo

That tonight's

gonna be a good night

That tonight's gonna be

a good, good night

Whoo-hoo

(HEART BEATING)

Mom and I

narrowed it down

to the silver tulle

tussie-mussie,

which is an exact replica of

the 1915 Texan Tussie-Mussie.

Or we have our Trs Beau

with its goldia

floral etching,

enhanced in

a smoky-silver tone.

Does anyone else feel really

f***ing gay right now?

Ed! Let's go with the Trs Beau.

Trs Beau tussie-mussie

is fabulous.

Christ, somebody just shoot me.

I'll be outside.

EDMUNDO:
All right, team, can

we all gather around, please?

Okay. I have everything

I need for the bridesmaids,

but I am still missing

the groomsmen's information.

What? Honey, you told me you

spoke to all the groomsmen.

(STAMMERS) See,

I sent them an email,

but you know how guys are.

They just haven't

responded yet.

Babe, I know

you've been really busy,

but our wedding

is in 10 days.

I mean,

can't your best man

help you with

all of this?

Uh, but you see,

Bic's still in El Salvador.

Well, let's hope he's in LA next week.

(SNICKERS)

DOUG:
Oh, he will be.

Mom.

He'll be there.

Okay, look, why don't I

just contact Mr. Rambis,

Mr. Garvey, Mr. Plunkett, Mr.

Carew,

Mr. Drysdale, Mr. Alzado, Mr.

Dickerson?

I can't breathe.

Mister, are you okay?

GRETCHEN:
Honey.

(GASPS)

Honey!

Unless you are

planning to run,

you are backing yourself

into a very tight corner.

I'm not sure I understand

what you're implying.

Three out of seven of your

groomsmen are Hall of Famers.

She'll leave me, I know. You're

not gonna tell her, are you?

She's going to find out soon enough.

Oh, God.

Why didn't you say

something to me before?

I've been on a bullet train

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