The Wedding Ringer Page #2

ever since I proposed.

I haven't slept

in months.

I can't keep anything down. I

keep losing weight. I just...

I just want her

to be happy.

The truth

is always the best.

What if the truth

isn't an option?

Well...

There is one other thing.

Oh, babe!

I don't wanna lie

I'm gonna take

what you're giving

'Cause I know

you're willing

To take me all the way

You got me right here

Combustible

And I can't wait

to finally explode

The big, big bang

The reason I'm alive

Hey, hey! Lou,knock

that sh*t off, man.

(GROANS)

Don't worry about Lou.

He had half his brain

removed two years ago.

LOU:
F*** off.

Okay.

Hey, uh, do you know where

I can find the basement?

The big, big bang

The reason I'm alive

When all the stars collide

In this universe inside

The big, big bang

(DOOR BUZZING)

Oh, babe

May I help you?

Hi. Yeah.

Yeah, um, I'm looking

for Jimmy Callahan.

Who sent you? The Goose?

No. Um, Edmundo.

Ah.

Welcome to

The Best Man Inc.

It's a beautiful night

We're looking for

something dumb to do

( Hey, Dab)'

I think I wanna marry you.

Just say I do

Tell me right now, baby

I think I wanna marry

you (DOOR OPENS)

So, Edmundo sent you

to come find the Oracle.

What can I do for you?

Hi. Yeah, I guess I do have

a few questions. Mmm-hmm.

Um, what exactly

do you do?

I provide best man

services for guys

like yourself who

lack in such areas.

So, I'm not alone?

Alone? No. I run a very profitable

business because of guys like you.

Here's a fun fact for you.

A kid goes to

Cornell University.

He obviously has way too

much time on his hands.

He recently confirmed

the number

of real friends

the average American has.

That means we're

not talking about

the phony

Facebook friends here.

We're talking

about the friends

who know where

your porn stash is.

That number has dropped from

three to two since 1985.

Really?

I don't have any.

How many weddings do you think

were in the US last year?

Four hundred and fifty...

2.4 million.

Four million.

That means there were

2.4 million grooms.

Do you think that each and

every single one of them

has somebody

to be their best man?

Wow. I never knew

people like you existed.

I'm like an angel.

I'm only there when you need me to be.

(DOOR OPENS)

Excuse me. You got to

get going, Jimmy.

Beth Shalom, right?

Beth Yirmeyahu.

I don't understand

why they do these things

in the middle of traffic.

It's annoying.

So, what did you

tell your fiance?

I, uh, told her that

I have a best man lined up.

You gave her the old Norton Winchell, huh?

I did what now?

The Norton Winchell. It's

the imaginary-friend covet

It's an amateur move,

but it's common.

What about your parents?

They in on it?

Oh, you don't have to

worry about them.

Why, they protesting

the marriage?

No, they passed away several years ago.

That's perfect.

Is this a large wedding

or a small wedding?

Large.

Social or family?

Social.

Hancock Park,

Bel Air, Palisades?

Downtown,

Millennium Biltmore.

All right. Let's go

over some of my packages.

If you're looking for

a basic Single Wing Ringman,

that's where

I'm your best man,

I attend your wedding

for the full day.

Okay. If you need something

a little more involved,

where I participate in all the

festivities for the weekend,

then you're talking

about a Bronze Bow Tie.

Now, if you've got

real problems,

what you need

is a Silver Cuff Link.

Now, that includes everything

in the Bronze Bow Tie

plus an additional

three groomsmen

to balance out

the bridesmaids.

For an extra

thousand dollars,

I'll throw you a bachelor

party to your liking.

How are you looking on groomsmen?

Not good at all.

Not good as in

you need one or two?

I need seven.

You need seven groomsmen?

I do.

Do you have any idea

what you're asking for?

You're asking me to

pull off a Golden Tux.

Yeah. See, I don't see that

on this pamphlet here.

It's not on the pamphlet.

Because what you're

talking about

is what we joke

about around here.

That's a laugh. "Hey, we should

try to do a Golden Tux."

(LAUGHING)

Too many moving parts.

Too many things can go wrong.

No. But there's a name for it.

There's also a name for a horse

with a horn on its head.

It's called a unicorn. It

doesn't mean I can get you one.

She will leave me.

I need your help.

You're talking about

unchartered territory.

No one's ever asked me

to pull off a Golden Tux.

And in less

than two weeks?

I have a nice job,

I have a real nice business.

I don't need this

kind of pressure, man.

I don't care how much it costs.

I need a Golden Tux!

Are you sure

she's worth it?

A guy like me doesn't

land a girl like her.

So, I lied about having

a bunch of friends.

I thought it would

make me look cool.

Never did I think

she would like me,

let alone agree

to marry me.

I am marrying a girl

who, all my life,

I never would have thought

would have looked at me twice.

And I am marrying her.

What's a little white lie

in the face of that?

Please help me. I don't

know what else to do.

I love this girl.

I'm late.

Come on, get in the car.

Really?

Yeah.

Should I follow you...

No, get in my car.

Come on.

And you'll drop

me off back here...

Will you just get in the

damn car, please? Okay.

I'm late, man.

God damn it.

F***ing white people.

(CARS HONKING)

RABBI:
Now, at this time,

I would like to bring up

Stuart's best friend

to say a few words.

(ORGAN PLAYING)

Just five short years ago,

when I spoke at

Stuart's wedding,

I never expected

to be speaking

at his funeral so soon.

(CRYING)

As the only Ethiopian Jew

at A.J. Wilson High School,

I was bullied quite often.

I remember one time when

these kids took my lunch

and spilled it

all over my lap.

After they did it,

they started to

call me mean names.

(SCOFFS)

Some of them even

called me Pupil Jew-Jew.

Because they said when they turned

the lights out in the hallway,

all they could see

was my eye pupils.

"Pupil Jew-Jew."

"Here comes Pupil Jew-Jew."

Some of them

even did awful

Sammy Davis Jr.

impressions to my face.

"Sha boing boing,

you black Jew-Jew."

I was covered

in sloppy Joe

and mashed potatoes

and vegetable medley.

And, uh, I look up,

and I see Stu.

He was standing there

with a handful of napkins.

And a smile on his face

as if to say, "Everything

was going to be okay."

Stuart may have gone to that

big Shabbat in the sky,

but he's still with us.

He's up there

making sad angels laugh

and he's giving

hopeless angels hope.

And he's giving

small, little, black,

Jewish angels with

a face full of corn

a handful of napkins

and a smile

that says everything

is going to be okay.

(SINGING HEBREW PRAYER)

lam so, so sorry.

I mean, I had no idea.

(ENGINE STARTS)

This could have

easily waited.

Man, don't worry

about it.

All those things that you said about

him, those incredible things.

He really sounds like a great guy.

Who, Reinsdorf?

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