The Wedding Ringer Page #3

Reinsdorf was

a piece of sh*t.

If I end up doing

a Golden Tux for you,

(CHUCKLES) I'll say nice

things at your funeral, too.

JIMMY:
Sh*t, for another

100 bucks, I'll throw in

holiday cards,

birthday calls,

and if you croak within seven

years of said wedding...

You're serious?

Serious as paint.

If I do this,

you need to understand

this is strictly

a business relationship.

Right. You're not

buying a new friend.

You're hiring a best man.

Got it.

Clients sometimes

blur that line.

I'm not looking

for a friend.

I am looking for a best man.

50 grand.

Done.

Plus expenses.

You got it.

Who's officiating?

Father O'Brien.

I never heard of him.

Her family's priest.

What's my name?

Jimmy.

No, my name. I'm assuming you made

up a name for me. What is it?

Oh, I thought it was

a trick question.

It's Bic. Bic Mitchum.

Do I wear a f***ing cape?

Bic Mitchum?

It was an act

of desperation.

Bic. Hey, ladies,

what's going on?

My name is Bic and I got the dick.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

What's happening right now?

I'm Bic Mitchum.

Hey, you put that down

and if someone

asks you who said it,

you tell them

Bic Mitchum said it.

What do you mean that

there's no more candy?

I'm Bic Mitchum

and I love candy.

I'm Bic. Where's the p*ssy at?

What?

F*** you!

Wait.

F*** you, man!

No, Bic can't have these...

Bic Mitchum can have

whatever the f*** he wants!

Bic, Bic, Bic.

All right. I like it.

Doug Harris,

congratulations.

Allow me

to introduce myself.

My name is Bic Mitchum.

I'm your new best man.

It's great to

finally meet you.

No, that's bullshit, Doug.

"It's great to

see you again, man."

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Yo, what are you

doing, man?

Yo, what the f*** are you doing?

What are you doing?

I'm sorry.

I just got really excited.

God damn it, man.

What do we do now?

You go get some rest.

Take care of them bags

under your eyes.

Stop hugging strangers.

God created the world

in seven days.

I got to do a whole lot

more in a lot less time.

I got to go find you

some damn friends.

Just keep your eye on the

ball, you little f***er.

And you're sure I'll get laid?

Yes.

Because I haven't gotten

any since I got out.

You'll crush ass. Seven bridesmaids.

Biltmore.

Seven? I want seven vaginas up on my face.

Do you guarantee that?

I can't guarantee that, but I'm

quite sure that they will want you.

It's you!

Look at you. Come on.

My mom isn't

paying you to talk

to your loser friends.

Loser?

Oh!

Don't talk to

Jimmy like that.

Hey, what are you

doing, Fitz?

I'll murder your family!

Turn it off. (CRYING)

Brentwood? Biltmore.

Hal Lane Orchestra.

Oh, man. Hal Lane is the best.

I know.

MARCI:
Hurry up and finish the van.

I'm hungry.

Okay, I'll be right there.

Look, Jimmy,

I'd love to help you out,

but I promised Marci

I'd get out of the game.

Her old man hooked

me up with this job.

Job? What job?

Washing the damn van?

I'm an apprentice.

I just take care of the van

while I learn to plumb.

Stop. You look at me now and tell

me that you don't want back in.

MARCI:
Where the heck did

you put the salad dressing,

you fat idiot?

(MACHINE BEEPING)

Yeah, arms up. All right,

turn around, girl.

Damn. You're trying

to smuggle

some extra ass on the

flight, aren't you?

Isn't that what

you're doing?

Go on, girl.

You're good.

Have a nice flight.

Ooh!

Come on, man. You're

better than this, Reggie.

Who's catering this gig?

Puck.

Wolfgang? No, Hockey Puck, idiot.

'Yes,Wolfgang.

The only thing they've got

in this place is Cinnabon.

I've been eating

Cinnabon for breakfast,

lunch, and dinner

for the past six months.

Reggie, I don't need...

Okay? Of course I'm in.

That's all I needed to know.

Come on. We've a lot

of work to do.

Now?

Yes, now.

Hey, I'm clocking out.

I'm back in the game, baby.

GRETCHEN:
At least Edmundo

was able to reschedule

the new salad dressing

tasting to tomorrow.

(GROANS)

There's only a week left

and we still have

so much to do.

Doug, what are you doing?

I thought maybe we'd have

a little ice cream

and then perhaps

some dessert.

Oh, that is so not fair.

You know I'm trying

to lose 4.2 pounds

before the wedding.

Well, I think you look beautiful

just the way you are.

And I got you something else.

What?

Ta-da.

(GASPS) on, my God.

I remember when we watched

Girl with a Pearl Earring,

and you said

how pretty you thought

the girl's pearl earring was.

So, I went out

and had it remade.

You know, as a pair.

Oh, my God.

You are so sweet.

That was so unnecessary.

(ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING)

Is that Boyz ll Men?

You know, I was thinking

of a way to alleviate

all that stress

you've been feeling.

That is not fair.

Remember, we said no teasing

each other. Mmm-mmm.

I know we agreed to

the whole "no making love"

"for the last month" rule.

That's a lot of quotes.

Yeah, but maybe

I could request

a temporary stay of the ban.

No. Honey, look,

I would love to, okay?

But the article says

this will enhance

our emotional reunification.

I know. Maybe we could

take one night off.

(STAMMERS)

Can we do that, maybe?

Just for one night.

To just have sex?

Honey, you know this is

difficult for me, too, okay?

But I am willing to make

the necessary sacrifice

to make sure that our

wedding night is perfect.

BRONSTEIN:
Doug and I met

at Camp Wampacheempi.

We were both 12, and we used

to sneak out together at night

and hunt bullfrogs and...

I'm sorry.

I dropped a line.

I know I keep

tripping over it.

You know what?

You nailed it.

What about the distractions?

Do you have any party tricks?

Party tricks. Yeah, okay.

(SHOULDER DISLOCATES)

Oh!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Oh, sh*t.

DORIS:
Oh, my God.

So, that's kind of it.

I just need a wall.

No,no,no!

(ALL GROANING)

No, don't, please.

(ALL GROANING)

I got it. There it goes.

Bronstein.

Um, I prepared

the scene from Titanic

where Jack

tries to save Rose...

Stop. We specifically asked for monologues.

We don't want any scenes.

Right, but I thought

that this would...

It said monologue.

This would showcase my talent.

Thank you.

I could read

the part of Rose.

My name is Kip Loyola.

I'm 6'4".

You don't have to...

6'3".

As you can see by my

rsum, I've done tons

(STUTTERING)

of soap operas.

Well, uh, did you

prepare anything?

On! Sh*t, baby!

JIMMY:
All right.

Did you, uh...

Is that, uh...

Do you have

a distraction

or a party trick

that ties in with this?

Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

Okay, I guess.

That's your...

(GRUNTS)

Hey, this is bullshit, Jimmy.

You promised me

a spot on the team.

Hey, look, O,

it's not like this

is a Single Wing

Ringman thing.

I told you

I need you to drive.

I'm sick of driving.

I want in.

You can't have in

because you don't

have a party trick

distraction, do you?

I told you I've been working on

the talking backwards thing.

Well, no offense, O,

but you've been

saying the same thing

for three months.

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