The Wedding Ringer Page #4

Months three

for that saying been

you've but O

offense no well yeah.

KIP:
That's pretty

f***ing cool.

Cool f***ing pretty that's.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Whoa!

How much wood

could a woodchuck chuck

if a woodchuck

could chuck wood?

No.

Wood chuck could

chuck wood a if chuck

chuck wood a could

wood much how.

(LAUGHING)

Oh!

Okay, that'll do.

Do that'll okay.

Put a sock in it.

We're done.

Sock on put.

Try the Roquefort

Buttermilk.

(GAGS)

Is it too tangy?

Uh, maybe a little.

A little?

Do you have something, maybe, a little

less harsh? 'Cause he's like...

I can offer you

the Algonquin Ranch.

Okay, give me one second.

Ray. A.R., ASAP.

Okay, honey, we're all set tomorrow.

Brunch at my parents' house.

Oh, yeah. Oh, sweetie,

I thought I told you that

I got to, uh, hit the office

tomorrow. I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no. Edmundo's bringing

some more appetizer samples.

You know I can't make

a decision without you.

(SIGHS)

Damn it. I was going to keep

this a surprise, but...

What? Bic is flying

in tomorrow morning.

Bic? The Bic?

Yeah. I have to go pick

him up from the airport.

You aren't kidding!

Oh, I'm so excited!

I wanted to keep

it a surprise.

This is so great.

Bring him to lunch with you.

No! No. No, I can't.

Why are you yelling?

I'm sorry. I just, uh...

I can't do that

because, um,

we have so much

catching up to do.

Oh, come on. Bring Bic.

I want him to help us decide

on all these fun things.

(STAMMERS) No, I don't know that that's...

He can't...

Listen to me.

He is your best man

and I have

never met him, okay?

You cannot tell me

he's flying in and not

bring him to lunch tomorrow.

Are you crazy?

(STAMMERS) Okay.

No! Take my hand.

I'll pull you in.

Stay where you are.

I mean it. I'll let go.

Oh.

(GRUNTS)

(STRAINING)

BOTH:

Near, far...

Hey. Doug's on line one.

Something's wrong.

What's going on, Tonto?

DOUG:
Hey, there.

We've got a bit of a problem.

What the hell were you thinking?

She cornered me.

Doug, in the future, if

somebody asks you something

that boxes you in, you boomerang it.

"Boomerang"?

You respond with either a

compliment or a question.

Compliments are for women.

Questions are for men.

If I were to ask you

something about Bic

that you and I

haven't discussed,

what would you say, Doug?

You're, um, very handsome.

Thank you, Doug.

That's a compliment.

Compliments are for women,

questions are for men.

You throw out random words.

You're confusing me

a lot right now.

You use random words

that will distract them

from the original question.

Random words.

We have 18 hours to prepare for

this brunch with the Palmers.

Which means we have 18 hours

for a Shotgun Intro.

Let's get to work.

You want to start off

with the HW2's.

DOUG:
Right.

The how-where-whats.

These are the three

basic questions

that everyone I encounter

as Bic are going to ask.

How did we meet? Where am I from?

What do I do?

If we know nothing else,

we can tread enough water

to fake a stomach cramp and run away.

How did we meet?

Uh, freshman year,

Stanford.

That means I'm smart.

Sh*t. Where am I from?

I never said.

North Dakota.

Why North Dakota? Do you know

anybody in North Dakota?

No.

Nobody does. What do I do?

You're in the military. That a boy.

See, now you're thinking.

No address, no phone number.

And chicks dig

the uniform sh*t.

It's going to be like

shooting fish in a barrel.

Actually, I, uh, don't

think you're going to be

shooting any fish

in this particular barrel.

An Army guy

that's the best man

not hitting on

the bridesmaids?

They'll think

I'm a homosexual.

Well, uh, actually...

Well, actually, what? You told

them I'm a homosexual, Doug?

No. No, not that,

per se.

What, per se, Doug?

Tell me.

Bic Mitchum is actually

Father Bic Mitchum.

You told them

I'm a f***ing priest, Doug?

Well, actually, it was

Gretchen who said it.

You told Gretchen

I'm a f***ing priest, Doug?

No. Gretchen said...

There was nothing else

that popped into your head?

At the time I thought it

was a really smart idea.

A f***ing priest?

But now I can see it's going to upset you.

A f***ing priest?

F***! F***, sh*t, b*tch, dick, ass!

No. No, you can't.

Oh, well, I have to

get them all out now

because I'm a f***ing

priest and I can't

cuss around

your family, Doug. F***!

Oh, come on.

That's the last one.

(JIMMY READING)

Jill Abromowitz,

freshman year.

Far-sighted or near-sighted'?

Far-sighted.

Okay. Wait, let me finish.

And near-sighted.

Do you supinate or pronate?

What?

Does your foot roll inward or outward?

Outward.

Okay, that explains

the weight gain.

Pepsi or Coke?

Sunset, full moon?

If you could pick your favorite

superhero, who would it be?

Is Pas-Man a superhero?

No, he's not, Doug.

Stairs or elevators?

Never mind. Forget it.

Okay, Doug, I'm almost happy right now.

What's my name?

That would be Bic: Mitchum.

Where am I from?

You're from North Dakota.

Ask me why you're

from North Dakota.

Tell me why I'm

from North Dakota.

Because who the f*** knows

anybody from North Dakota?

I want to hear my name again.

What's my name?

Oh, you are motherfucking Bic Mitchum!

Rhythm.

BOTH:
Motherfucking

Bic Mitchum.

Motherfucking Bic Mitchum.

Motherfucking... (EXCLAIMS)

What are your phobias?

Uh, I fear raccoons.

Favorite sport, Doug?

Baseball. And I love

women's basketball.

Come on, we're getting

too tired. Up. Yes.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

JIMMY:
Oh, sh*t.

Doug! Doug!

Get up. Get your ass up. We're

going to be late for brunch.

Oh, sh*t!

JIMMY:
When you get

backed into a corner,

remember your compliments,

boomerang, random words.

DOUG:
Use random words.

Specifically, which

random words should I use?

Any random words. Just be yourself, Doug.

You'll be all right.

What if they start

asking too many questions?

I mean, you hardly

even know me.

Except for the fact that you

prefer showers to baths,

Pas-Man's your favorite

superhero even though

Pas-Man's not

a superhero at all,

you're far-sighted and you're

near-sighted, you supinate,

you prefer full moons over sunsets,

you're afraid of raccoons,

you love women's basketball,

you iron your boxers,

finished third

on the bar exam,

eat American,

but prefer cheddar,

you're against the designated hitter,

believe in life after death,

and you played the violin

until you were 19 years old.

Which is the same year that you lost

your virginity to Jill Abromowitz.

Let's go, man.

That will work.

You follow my lead. You

talk as little as you can.

Short answers. You don't

initiate conversation. Wi-Wo.

"Wi-Wo"?

We're in, we're out.

Oh. Wi-WO.

Wait, wait, wait.

What?

I'm getting a little nauseous, man.

What?

I think I'm in over my head, Doug.

No, no.

This is a lot. You're talking

about a whole family.

I've never done

a goddamn whole family.

You're telling me

this now?

What's your last name?

Harris. Doug Harris.

Oh, sh*t!

I thought it was Angley.

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