The Wedding Ringer Page #5

What? Who's Angley?

I have to go, buddy.

No!

I'm f***ing with you.

Don't do that.

All right, relax.

That was a really

shitty thing to do.

Ring the bell, rookie.

Come on.

You guys have to understand

that I come from

a very dark past.

And by dark,

of course I'm referring

to my drug use.

I was on everything.

At one point, the only good

vein I had was between my toes.

Crystal meth. I'm not sure if any

of you guys can relate to it.

Grandma,

I've seen your teeth.

Maybe you can, or can't.

But the Lord says, "Don't

judgeth upon what happens",

"but what happens upon

what can't be judged."

Which means, yes,

I may have been to a point

where I was sucking

dick for money.

But that day when I woke up

face down in that snowbank,

I didn't know where I was.

I didn't even know

who I was.

And I remember

squinting because

I was being blinded

by this bright light.

I couldn't see a thing.

And when I finally opened

my eyes, I saw Jesus.

You saw Jesus?

Oh, I saw Jesus.

He was in Mary's arms in the

nativity scene at St. Michael's.

And I wept. But they

weren't tears of pain.

These were tears of joy.

From having found

my path, of course.

So, Father...

Call me Bic, please.

What made you decide

to go into the military?

Mmm.

That's a great question.

Some people are called on

to serve God.

Others are called

to serve our country.

Those who are

chosen to serve both,

they're called

Army chaplains.

I got a two-way call

from the big fellow himself.

(LAUGHING)

A priest in the military.

Yeah.

It's interesting.

Do they have a "don't ask",

"don't tell" policy

on child molesting?

Dad!

(LAUGHING)

(HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHING)

Oh, it's okay. It's okay.

That's pretty good. I've never heard

that one. Now, that's a good one.

Well, I try.

Clever.

No, it wasn't.

Somebody call the firemen

because this is hot,

hot, hot! Okay?

Do not touch.

(LAUGHING)

So, listen,

if you opt against

the Russian

mushroom bisque,

we can always go into

a more rustic theme

with the Chilean chili.

I'll be back

with the croutons.

So, Bic, uh, where are

you from originally?

Originally? North Dakota.

Oh, no kidding. What town?

Henderson.

I've never heard

of Henderson.

Oh, Henderson's

a very small town, Ed.

Oh, where is it

in relation to Bismarck?

Are you familiar

with North Dakota?

Ed's uncle has

a ranch up there.

Wow! That is something

to know, there.

Uh, no, it's actually on the

opposite side of Bismarck.

You have Bismarck here,

but once you go around...

You know the tunnel.

It's right there.

Bismarck's in the middle.

When you said "middle", all I saw

was Rita Hayworth. (CHUCKLES)

I mean, there's a striking

resemblance, isn't it?

Oh, thank you, Father.

No, there isn't.

So, Doug,

when was the last time

that you and Bic

saw each other?

March.

March?

Well, wait a minute,

wait a minute.

Because,see, in March... April,

I was in the Middle East.

Muffin juice. After that

is when I was training.

Cottage cheese helmet.

And from there is

when I was traveling,

so you're talking

three, four...

Three, four, six, seven months ago.

...six, seven years ago.

Years ago.

Honey, I thought you saw Bic at

the Vatican a couple years ago.

Wait, what did you say?

When you were in Rome,

you and Bic.

Oh, boy, that's right.

Because you left in March.

Red-hot p*ssy seltzer.

(GASPS)

Right? Right. Yeah.

That sounds right.

What did you just say?

DOUG:
Hmm?

I think you said,

"Red-hot p*ssy seltzer."

Why would you say that?

ED:
Red-hot p*ssy seltzer?

GRETCHEN:
Honey?

What's 34 times 12?

Sh*t, I didn't expect

an answer that quick.

Breathe, Doug.

Baby, what is going on with you?

(CLEARS THROAT)

DOUG:
I, uh...

I, um...

I have to be

honest with you guys.

Oh, my God!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(SCREAMING)

(ALL GASP)

Honey?

Sh*t, that burns!

Guys, that was so hot. I'm sorry, Doug.

It burns!

Oh, God!

Sorry. I didn't know

it was that hot, guys.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

GRANDMA:
I'm on fire!

JIMMY:
Oh, my God!

Sh*t! No! She's on fire!

It's an inferno!

JIMMY:
Holy sh*t!

(SCREAMING)

I need liquids!

JIMMY:
Get back!

ED:
Oh, my God!

ALISON:
Get something!

It's making it worse!

Give me the tablecloth!

What is wrong with you?

I'm going to get

something else!

She just caught fire

so fast.

Don't feel bad, Doug. She goes

through a can of Aqua Net a day.

Hey, what did they say? Is she okay?

Is she going to be all right?

Gretchen, how do you

like your grandma?

What? I love her. You know that.

What happened?

No, I mean, how do you like her?

Medium, well-done?

Oh, my God, Dad.

You can be

such an a**hole.

She has some minor burns

to her head, chest,

back, neck, and breasts,

but the doctor says

she's going to be fine.

Oh, thank God. Come

on, let's go see her.

I, uh...

I feel just awful.

Well, shake it off.

If you knew

what the old lady says

behind your back,

you would have

done it on purpose.

But let me say, that was a hell

of a tackle for a tenderfoot.

Tenderfoot? Oh, Douglas was quite

the halfback back in college.

You played football, Doug?

How come you never told me?

I thought you were

just a nerd fan.

(DOUG STAMMERING)

Yeah. Yeah,

intramurals, scrimmage.

We scrimmaged, the boys.

And, you know, I made the all-campus

team a couple times in football.

I was an all-conference

nose tackle.

Half the team's

coming in for the wedding.

Why don't we have a friendly

game of two-hand touch?

You know, the old-timers

versus the groomsmen.

What do you say?

I think that's

quite the invitation, Ed,

but there's

so much going on.

I just feel like

there's not enough time.

Oh, what's

the matter, Bic?

Afraid of getting your asses

kicked by some old-timers?

I don't think so, Pops.

All things considered, not

that bad for a Shotgun Intro.

Not that bad? I just set

Gretchen's grandmother on fire.

Wrong. We sacrificed Grandma

for the sake of the mission.

I feel terrible.

Feelings are irrelevant

in the big con.

What's important is that

our cover wasn't blown.

Every test that we encounter

will be the same, pass or fail.

As long as we pass, it

doesn't matter how we do it.

I still can't believe they

actually bought all that

People believe because they

have no reason not to.

We're going to have to

be on top of our game.

That family was sharp.

Come on,

we've got to go.

I've got some really important

people waiting on us.

(ALL GREETING) JIMMY: Look who I have?

Dougie-Doug-Doug!

ENDO:
Dougie Fresh!

Doug, you look great, man.

You're losing weight,

fat ass.

ENDO:
Oh, he had to

lose weight.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Ow!

All right.

All right, stop.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Who are these people?

What, are you kidding?

You don't recognize these guys?

No.

You're looking at your groomsmen.

Come on, man.

Hey,Doug.

How have you been, bro?

Good. Yeah, real good. You?

You know,

same old same old.

(YELLS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Stop it, man.

Stop it, man.

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