The Wedding Ringer Page #6

Every time. Every time.

Jimmy, can I talk to you

for a second?

These guys cannot

be my groomsmen.

JIMMY:
What are you

talking about?

For one thing, it looks like

the entire cast of Goonies

grew up and became rapists.

This one in particular

looks like

he just broke out of

a federal f***ing prison.

What you need to do is keep

it down because he did.

And he raped

a lot of men in there. Yes.

Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus.

He's got a dark past, but when you

throw a tux on that son of a b*tch,

you're not going to

find anybody better.

The Asian

has his dick out.

Endo, put it up.

No. You have to get

a new party trick.

People love it.

Is that a third testicle?

Does he have three testicles?

Yeah, I've got three.

How is that a party trick?

That's neither here nor there.

Oh, I'm dead. You didn't

give me a lot of time, man.

Oh, God.

You gave me seven names, I brought

you back seven groomsmen.

I should just call it off. No!

These guys are great, man.

You're looking at the best of the best.

Not the best of the best.

They're the best of

what I had to choose from.

I'm dead.

(STAMMERS)

We've got Dickerson.

Yo.

Dickerson, you're a lounge

singer from Canada.

You perform four nights a

week at the Walleye Nook.

You do a mean Tom Jones.

Now, that part's imperative.

She won't buy it unless she

knows that you can sing.

Doug, I'm not

trying to be rude,

but nobody here

really gives a f***.

We're just

assigning roles.

We can get all the ancillary

particulars later on.

DORIS:
Garvey,

you're a botanist.

You and Doug went to camp together

from 6th grade through 10th.

Rambis, you're a principal at Saint

Peter's Middle School in Provo, Utah.

And you're a regional racquetball champion.

Lefty, good serve.

Plunkett, you're a lawyer.

You specialize in environmental

law with a focus on forestry.

Carew, you're

a podiatrist in Knoxville.

Divorced, no kids.

I have to say, all these

guys seem a little off,

but you

at least look normal.

Oh, thanks, Doug,

I appreciate that, man.

I'm just happy to

(STUTTERS) be here.

DORIS:
Drysdale,

you teach philosophy

at Bardonia

Community College.

You're a vegan.

You're also working on your first

book called The Way of Wonder.

What the f***

does that even mean?

Thanks,Doug,

you f***ing a**hole.

DORIS:
Alzado, you're

a computer programmer.

You met Dougie

at a conference

in Baton Rouge.

Do you want to trade?

Hell, yeah. I need to

eat some meat, man.

This vegan life

isn't for me.

Hey. There will be

no trading!

Anything else, Doug? Yeah. Plunkett's

got to be in a wheelchair.

He was hit by a car.

What?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Well, it's not funny.

I'm supposed to crush ass.

I told him he was

going to crush ass.

Argh!

JIMMY:
Listen up.

Double check your measurements

and perfect your PTD's, guys.

"PTD'S"? That's your Party

Trick Distractions.

If you get backed in a corner

and you don't know what to do,

pull out your PTD.

Can I do my Cockney accent?

You're a principal in Utah. Why the

f*** would you have a Cockney accent?

I could have

moved there, right?

Any more questions?

Yeah. When is

the bachelor party?

I don't see nothing

in the package about it.

ENDO:
That's a good question.

(ALL AGREEING)

Oh, no, no. There's going

to be no bachelor party.

Gretchen and I, we both decided

that it was better that we...

Stop. There's no such thing as a mutual

decision until after you're married.

Right now, the only "we..."

GROOMSMEN:
ls me and my balls.

Balls.

All right, guys, listen up.

You have one week to know

this information so well,

it becomes a permanent

part of your memory.

That means that we've got one

week to pull off the first ever

Golden Tux.

Understand something. This has

never been done, gentlemen.

Let's go make some f***ing history, huh?

(GROOMSMEN CHEERING)

Don't worry about me

I'm gonna make it all right

Got my enemies

crossed out in my sight

I take a bad situation

Gonna make it right

Got it.

She's not the one

coming back for you

Hey! Hey,

you son of a b*tch!

Suck it! Suck it!

You're going to suck it!

(CAMERA CLICKS)

(YELLING)

(CAMERA CLICKS)

If I fall back down

Hello.

Well, the worst of times,

now they don't phase me

Even if I look

and act really crazy

I went way down,

she betrayed me

Now my vision is no longer hazy

I'm very lucky to have my crew

They stood by me

when she flew

She's not the one

coming back for you

If I fall back down

(WHOOPING) You're gonna

help me back up again

Classic, Doug!

If I fall back down,

you're gonna be my friend

JIMMY:
Let's go,

let's go, let's go!

You got it?

All right, let's go.

Go, go!

(DOUG MOANING)

(AS BRIDE)

What are you doing?

(AS GROOM) It's a trick

I learned in Vietnam.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing?

Just prepping for

a little bit of this.

Tahiti?

(SQUEALS)

Voted the number-one

most romantic

honeymoon destination.

That's amazing!

It's going to be incredible.

Oh, my gosh. Honey, that's...

(MOANING)

Hey, what has gotten

into you this week?

I've just never

seen you so frisky.

I just feel really good

about everything.

We're getting married

on Saturday.

It's exciting. Your friends

are gonna be there.

(INHALES) My friends are

all gonna be there.

I just hope

it all goes smoothly.

I checked

the 10-day forecast.

Sweetie, it's LA. It's not

like it's going to rain.

What the f***

did you just say?

Whoa.

Are you kidding?

What are you doing?

Why did you say

the f***ing R-word?

(WHISPERING) Shh.

Calm down. Calm down.

I didn't say it was going to rain.

(GRUNTS)

You just said it again. This

is twice now in two minutes.

Are you f***ing serious?

(WHISPERING)

Gretchen, calm down.

I just don't understand why you

continue to say this stupid sh*t.

Okay, you're right. But you know what?

(SIGHS)

We climbed

the glaciers of what?

Uh...

It was... It was, uh...

It's Patagonia.

Padronia.

Patagonia.

Political views?

Staunch Republican.

Got it.

Patagonia.

Pagon.

I'm a doctor.

What type?

Podiatrist.

Is that right?

I think that's right.

That's what it says?

Yeah. I'm a kid doctor.

No.

What are your views

on gluten?

It's a myth.

Pata...

Pata...

...go...

My name is Hobie Plunkett

and I collect...

Playbills.

Cabbage Patch Kids?

No, man, it's exotic pets,

you dumb motherf***er.

Dumb? You can't even say

"Patagonia," you idiot.

Garvey's family

owns a "blank" farm.

Chinchillas.

Nice.

Hey, come on, we have to

hammer out this toast, man.

Right.

They're going to want to

know why she's "the one."

It's like a band playing

their most popular song.

The crowd is just

waiting to hear it.

Let's start with

the first time you saw her.

Oh, she was

wearing a dress.

And she was pretty.

That's it? Why are you marrying her?

Why are you in love with her?

What makes her different than any

other girl that you ever met?

She talked to me.

She talked to you?

What? Yeah, seriously. Her dad

was a client at the firm.

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