The Wedding Ringer Page #7

I had seen her

a couple of times,

but she never gave me

the time of day.

And then one day I ran into

her, and it was just different.

She knew my name, she asked

me to go get a sandwich.

You're not helping me.

You have to dig deep.

Like, "From across the

room, she looked at me"

"and I swear it was like

slow motion.

"All the room stood still. I closed

my eyes and I reached out my hand,

"and in return,

I got a soul."

"And that's when I knew

that we were soul mates."

That's what I need, Doug.

But that's not real.

(SIGHS)

All right, Tonto.

Do you want to see real?

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

Yo!

Puta madre. I'm coming.

Hi! Oh, my God!

What a delightful surprise.

I wish you would have called before.

My place is a pig sty.

Eddie. Hey,

Eddie, stop. Stop.

No mas. He's one of us.

What the f***, cabrn?

Yeah. What the hell

is going on here?

I want to introduce you

to Dirty Eddie Sanchez.

His family had

a wedding planning business

that was one of

the biggest in the city.

But, after Father of the Bride

came out on DVD and Blu-ray,

nobody wanted to take advice

from a Mexican kid

from Boyle Heights.

So, what he decided to do

was flame it up a little bit.

Hence, Edmundo.

Da-da-da-da!

Business skyrocketed.

This is so f***ed up

on so many levels.

So, ese, why did you

bring him here?

He's taking this wedding

thing way too seriously.

All right, look, vato, weddings

are just overblown parties

direct from women's

unreasonable fantasies

and preconceived notions

that originated in childhood.

So, don't sweat the morality

of what you're doing.

Just make sure the bride

and her mother are happy.

We're in this together,

homie.

Is that your girl?

F*** no.

That's my sister.

That's my girl.

What's up?

Oh, f***.

Do you want some nachos?

I'm actually okay.

No, late before I came.

I'm sorry.

What did you just ask them?

I asked them if

they wanted nachos.

Nachos?

The guy's getting

married in a week

and you're gonna

offer him nachos?

Look at him! What do you think

cheese is going to do to him?

I thought

they wanted nachos.

Use your f***ing head.

I'm going to take some.

Sit down, Jimmy!

I tried.

(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)

They've been together for some time now.

Nothing's going to happen.

What?

Nothing.

You guys make

a beautiful couple.

B*tches, right?

(LAUGHING)

Do you want some weed?

No, no, I'm good.

You put the weed

in the coconut

And light that sh*t up

You put the weed in the

coconut And light that sh*t up

Get him to sing it. Come on, white boy.

I'm good, I'm good.

You put the weed in the

coconut And light that sh*t up

You're being disrespectful.

Sing the f***ing song.

You put the weed in the

coconut And light that sh*t up

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) You

put the weed in the coconut

And light that sh*t up

You put the weed

in the coconut

You two better not

f*** this up.

DOUG:
Why are we here?

JIMMY:
It's called a dry run.

I do it with all my grooms.

I hate this stuff.

Hey, that's why we're here.

Groom desensitization, okay?

That's a rum and Coke.

That's your favorite, right?

Yeah. How did you know that?

I know everything, Doug.

Drink up.

All right, I want you to

keep reminding yourself that

weddings are for the women.

You're not supposed

to enjoy yourself, Doug.

If you were, there would

be big-screen TVs,

there would be gambling.

There's none of that there.

Okay, NAS

and we won't get caught.

Wait, what?

(SIGHS) NAS, Doug.

Nod and smile.

All right? Let's go.

(MOUTHS)

You all look good.

How are you, man?

Oh.

And I said, well,

put the money in the bag.

(FEEDBACK)

(GLASS CLINKING)

Hello.

Uh-oh. Showtime.

DOUG:
Now, is this guy also a pro?

Yeah!

JIMMY:
No. This guy

is not a professional.

(BEATBOXING)

Just kidding. I'm just kidding.

(GUESTS LAUGHING)

The moment Chris asked me

to be his best man,

I sat down and I wrote

a pretty awesome speech.

But I don't know. I think I'd

rather speak from the heart.

Oh, don't do that.

Don't you rip that paper up.

You never do that.

(CHUCKLES)

Uh, you know, when Chris...

When Chris and I

first met, we, um...

Uh, well...

Chris and I have known

each other since, uh...

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Chris and I, you know,

we did stuff together.

(GAGS)

(GUESTS MURMURING)

He's going to throw up

on the f***ing bride.

And, um, Chris has been

like a brother to me.

Well,because

my real brother died.

No. Well, he didn't

die immediately.

They revived him in the ambulance,

and then, he died later.

(SOFTLY)

Is he serious?

Adolf Hitler

once said...

Holy f***ing sh*t.

Jesus Christ.

BEST MAN:
Oh, God.

I'm just going to...

There was this one thing

I wanted to reference.

You know what? F*** it.

Wolverines, brother!

I love you. Thank you.

(FEEDBACK) That's not

even the right way.

It's not an exit.

(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)

Okay. One, two...

Ain't no mountain

high enough

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Let's go dance.

No, thanks.

Douglas, you can hide

a fat ass in baggy pants,

but you cannot

hide a bad dancer.

Come on,

I'll teach you some basics.

I'm not dancing.

It is my job to make you look

good on your wedding day.

Now, I need you

to get comfortable

with being uncomfortable.

Come on.

Stop being a p*ssy.

Let's dance.

Come on, you lead.

No, I don't want to lead.

Okay, then, fine,

be the chick, Doug.

On second thought, I will lead.

Whatever, Doug.

Just follow me.

I really don't get it.

(BAND PLAYING TANGO MUSIC)

Back.

Nice rond de jambe.

Thanks.

Twelve years of

dance lessons.

My mom said, "One day,

they would come in handy."

I doubt this is

what she had in mind.

You asked how

a gal like Gretchen

could fall for

a yutz like me.

I took her dancing.

Whoo! Now can you

hand jive, baby?

Oh, can you hand jive, baby?

Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah, yeah

Teach me how to dougie

Teach me, teach me

how to dougie

Teach me how to dougie

Teach me, teach me

how to dougie

All my women love me

All my...

All my women love me

All my women love me

You ain't messing

with my dougie

Teach me how to dougie

Teach me, teach me

how to dougie

(GUESTS CHEERING)

Teach me how to dougie

Teach me, teach me

how to dougie

La, la, la, la, la, la

La, la, la, la

La, la, la, la, la, la

La, la, la, la

(WHISPERING)

You bastard.

La, la, la, la, la, la

La, la, la, la

Oh.

(SWING MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(GUESTS CHEERING)

Hey!

JIMMY:
So, I get a call out of

nowhere, a guy I went to school with.

I barely even knew the kid.

He goes,

"I just got engaged."

Naturally, I go, "Great.

Congratulations."

Then, he says,

"Can you be my best man?"

I barely knew the kid.

Wow, that is so weird.

So, I get to thinking, "What's

the worst that can happen?"

The guy's wedding party

consisted of me,

the bride's brother,

and this Filipino

exchange student.

And it was so sad, Doug.

Everybody is thinking,

"Why in the hell"

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