The Wedding Ringer Page #8

"would this woman

marry this loser?"

So, I grab the microphone and

I just get to talking about

how we climbed the Himalayas,

how we fished for sharks,

how this guy saved me in

a barroom brawl one time.

So much bullshit.

And I look over and I see the bride.

She's got his arm, Doug.

She's got his arm so tight

and she's glowing.

Because she's marrying

this amazing guy.

This man comes up

to me and goes, "Wow."

"I would pay money"

"to have somebody talk like

that about me at my wedding."

Light bulb.

That's the day that this

wedding hustle was born.

That's the day that I

became The Wedding Ringer.

(CHUCKLES)

I, uh...

Now, I don't want you to think

that I'm some sort of schmuck

who doesn't have

any friends.

No.

You know, my father,

he was an international

tax attorney, right?

So, we moved around

all the time.

I went to 13 different

schools by the eighth grade.

I lived on four

different continents.

And after a while

I just figured,

"Why even make

friends anymore?"

"I'm just going to have to move, anyway.

What's the point?"

And then, when my dad died,

I took over the business.

I was just working so much.

I was working too much.

Am I a loser?

No.

This is what you have

to understand, Doug.

Some people are just loners.

It's that simple, man.

Maybe I don't

want to be.

Maybe I just want someone

to grab a beer with,

to go on

a cool guy trip with.

You've never been

on a guy trip, Doug?

Cabo, Cancun, spring break? You've

never done anything like that?

I never really had

anyone to go with.

Good night, Tonto.

I gotta say,

it feels really good

to have somebody

looking out for me.

I got your back, man.

I like that.

And I got your back, too.

Hey,Doug.

I like you, man.

I think you're a great guy.

I just want you to remember that

this is a business relationship.

It doesn't mean that we're

going to be best friends.

That's not how

this story ends.

I'm just an employee with a job to do.

I get it.

You're not my best friend.

You're just my best man.

In one week,

Bic will be on a plane

headed back to

the Middle East.

Three months from now, he'll get

killed in a tragic: grenade accident

while giving an impromptu

sermon on the back of a Humvee.

It doesn't mean that we're not

going to have a good time, Doug.

I said I got it.

You're anybody's best friend for a

price, but nobody's when it counts.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

(DOOR OPENING)

ls everything okay?

What's the matter with you?

I don't know.

Well, now.

I never expected

the "Jimmy Callahan"

to get all soft-eyed

over a client.

No, no, it's not like that.

All I do is go

from job to job,

saving these losers

with no friends.

Losers?

Come on, Jimmy.

They're not losers.

They're just guys.

They don't share their private,

deep emotional feelings

with each other

like women do.

Women are nurturers.

We sit and listen to

each other's problems.

Which is why we're

always so miserable,

from all that

goddamn listening.

(LAUGHING) You should

count your blessings.

I still think

they're losers.

Well, maybe you're right. But

let me ask you this, Jimmy.

If you ever found a woman

crazy enough to marry you,

who would be your best man?

See, this all started because you

wanted to make a guy feel good.

Do you remember how good you felt

the first time you did this?

Well, you've lost that.

You've become jaded

with all your rules.

You forgot what got you into this

business in the first place.

Your ability to be a friend,

to change someone's life.

Now, Jimmy,

we have less than a week

to pull off

the first ever Golden Tux.

So, I'm going to need you to

stop crying like a little girl,

strap on a pair,

stop wasting time

feeling sorry for yourself,

and let's bring

this sh*t home.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Doug Harris, right?

Uh,yeah.

Come here, you little sh*t.

Wait!

Have you ever been to the 'hood?

Here you go.

Somebody help me! I'm not Doug Harris!

(GROANS)

Why did you kick me

in my balls?

(GRUNTING)

DOUG:
Help me! No!

Throw his ass in the truck!

Get back there!

(THUDS)

(GROANING)

Go, go, go!

(TIRES SQUEALING)

DOUG:
I'm not strapped in!

(DOUG SCREAMING)

What was that?

Sh*t!

(CAR HORNS HONKING)

Oh, God, which way

is the sidewalk?

Doug, don't move!

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(GROANS)

DOUG:
Someone help me!

Please, God! Please!

I'm begging you!

Help!

Anybody!

(GASPS)

m:

(ALL CHEERING)

FITZGIBBONS:

Take his pants off!

You pay for the Golden Tux,

you get a bachelor party,

you son of a b*tch!

(ALL CHEERING)

FITZGIBBONS:
To the house!

Don't pop that sh*t!

Hey. Hi.

Oh.

Nadia.

Hi. I'm Doug. Doug Harris.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Do you speak English?

Oh.

Have you ever been

to a Dodger game?

Do you like the Dodgers?

Oh, this is happening.

Shh!

Okay, so,

here's the deal.

I'm about to get married to

this great girl, Gretchen.

Oh! Gee!

Shh!

Um...

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Oh, boy!

On second thought,

I've got a better idea.

Party and bullshit

And party and bullshit

And party and bullshit

And party and bullshit

And party and bullshit

Isn't this so much more fun

than sucking my dick?

ALL:
To Dougie!

Hugs from the honeys

Pounds from the roughnecks

Seen my man Sei

that I knew from the projects

Said he had beef,

asked me if I had my piece

Sure do

I'm a bad boy

Niggaz wanna front, who got your back?

Biggie

Niggaz wanna flex Who got the gat?

Biggie

It ain't hard to tell

I'm the east coast overdoser

Brand-Nubian sh*t

beatin' down punks!

This is for Dougie!

Party and bullshit

And party and bullshit

And party and bullshit

I can't swim!

And party and bullshit

And party and bullshit

And party and bullshit

Yo, where are the women at?

Did you touch my dick?

Okay, I'm sorry.

All right, guys.

This is for Dougie!

This is

the running of the balls!

Start the machine! Ready!

Ahhh!

No! No!

(GROANING)

And bullshit

And party and bullshit

And party and bullshit

(YELLING)

And party and bullshit

All right.

What is happening here?

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

I don't like being...

Hey, hey. Shut up.

It's about you having

a good goddamn time, man.

Nadia.

No!

ALL:
(CHANTING) Nadia! Nadia!

We got through this already.

(SHUSHING)

You smell so sweet.

ALL:
Ohh!

JIMMY:
Lick that

nutty butter!

Nadia, you don't

have to do this.

What? Wait.

Oh, oh!

(ALL CHEERING)

ALL:
(CHANTING) Fletcher!

Fletcher! Fletcher!

Nadia, do not

give me a fletcher.

Okay, this sh*t's gone far enough!

(SNIFFING)

Oh, Nadia, no!

Oh, God, it feels so good,

but I don't want you to.

Talk me through it, Doug!

It feels so scruffy and wet.

Why are you

licking so rapidly?

I love my fiance,

I love my fiance.

How does that feel?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, God! Okay! Okay!

(ALL LAUGH LOUDLY)

(ALL CHEERING)

(DOG BARKS)

(FLESH SQUELCHES)

(SCREAMING)

(ALL GASP)

JIMMY:
Oh, sh*t!

(DOG SNARLING)

When you pull, it hurts!

(SCREAMING)

Stick a finger in his ass!

Not my ass,

the dog's ass!

It's not working!

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