The Wedding Ringer Page #9

DOUG:
Get it off!

(GUNSHOT)

(ALL GASP)

What the f***, Plunkett?

Oh, sh*t.

I didn't shoot him. I shot up.

That dog is dead.

FITZGIBBONS:
I just

tried to scare him off.

Sh*t, the f***ing dog

has lockjaw.

It must have had

a heart attack.

(CRYING) There's a

dead dog on my dick.

DOUG:
I've got to get

to a hospital, guys.

REGGIE:

His dick is bleeding!

The hospital's right

around the corner, okay?

You have to hold on.

Hurry up, Lou.

Every time it moves,

it hurts!

JIMMY:
Where's the alcohol?

Somebody give me the alcohol!

Just breathe, Dougie!

That just burns!

Whoa, whoa!

Red light, red light!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

What the f*** was that?

ENDO:
Was that a cop?

No, it was just a cab.

(SIREN WAILING)

Sh*t! We have open

bottles in here.

I can't go back to jail!

I'm tired of f***ing dudes!

You were the rapist?

Finish your bottles!

JIMMY:
Everybody, chill out!

Put the bottles down,

put your drugs away.

Do you hear me?

LURCH:
This is Marci's

father's van.

I'm only 15!

OFFICER:
(ON LOUDSPEAKER)

Pullover.

Lou, you have to pull

the f***ing car over.

Pull the f***ing car over.

Oh, God,

Marci's going to kill me.

JIMMY:
You're going to

get through this, man.

This isn't going to be long.

DOUG:
Get me

out of the car.

REGGIE:
They're going to think

I kidnapped this white girl.

Take it. Take the gun. I don't

want this motherf***er, man.

No! You take it back.

JIMMY:
Shush! Shut up.

You talk too much.

I don't want it.

Take it.

Put it in your titties. I'm

not going to jail for this.

ENDO:
I can still see it.

Shut up! This is real!

Everybody look normal. Okay?

(STUTTERS)

Have you guys been

drinking tonight?

JIMMY:
No, sir.

(ALL DISAGREEING)

Not even a little bit?

No.

(GROANING)

(ALL GROANING)

Are you all right, sir?

Uh-huh.

Is that a dog?

Yeah. Why is his mouth

on your genitals?

(EXHALES)

Oh, God.

(YELLING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

JIMMY:
Lou, what the

f*** are you doing?

FITZGIBBONS:

What in the f***, Lou?

Stop the car, you old dick!

(SIREN WAILING)

Lou, watch the Buick

on your right!

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Do you have to hit

every single meter, Lou?

Come on, what are you doing, Lou?

LOU:
No guts, no glory!

It's a one-way street!

I know!

It's the way I'm going!

Look out! BRONSTEIN:

Stop the car!

LURCH:
I hate you, Lou!

(HORN BLARING)

JIMMY:
F***, Lou, stop!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Lou, this is a closed road!

LURCH:
You're going

the wrong way, Lou!

REGGIE:
I don't have a

f***ing seat belt on, Lou!

Holy sh*t!

There's a gap in the bridge!

(ALL SCREAMING)

LURCH:
We're all

going to die!

JIMMY:
Oh, my God!

No!

/

/

(ALL GRUNTING)

Oh, my God!

ENDO:
We made it!

(ALL CHEERING)

LOU:
Yeah!

Suck on this, copper.

Nadia.

Hey. You waited

all night for me?

You know, last night,

that was the greatest night

of my entire life.

I don't think I've ever felt a

connection to anybody like that before.

I know you can't

understand any of this.

But I...

Tonto.

How is it hanging?

(GROANS) I'm kind of numb.

What did they do?

Oh, they put some stitches

in your penis head.

The doctor said

you'll be okay, though.

Come on,

kiss her goodbye.

I've gotta go. It was really

great getting to know you.

It was great

getting to know you, too.

Wait. You speak English?

Thanks for having me

out again, Jimmy.

(SIGHS) Doug here

is a real keeper.

Call me sometime. Maybe we

can catch a Dodger game.

"Dodger game" is

code-word for f***ing.

(ALL SNORING)

Fellows.

DOUG:
Where's Lou?

Lou had to go away

for a while.

He said it was

worth it, though.

(BLOWING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Burn this.

(WHOOPS)

I haven't felt this good,

this happy since...

Since ever.

Did you take one of those pills

Plunkett was handing out?

The ones that looked like Altoids?

Yes! Did you take one?

Yeah, I took one.

What did I tell you?

You said don't take anything

that looks like drugs.

Then why did you take it? Because

it looked like an Altoid.

It wasn't an Altoid, Doug.

Nah, I realized that

soon after.

I said, "Stay your ass away from

Plunkett." Didn't I tell you that?

Now, I know

none of this is real,

but it's good to be

one of the guys.

It really is.

Come on. Let's go get

you cleaned up, man.

So, uh, let's just go and

knock this thing out, man.

We'll make you look great,

rock your wedding,

send you off to Tahiti so you

can blow Gretchen's back out.

Knock her back loose.

And then, we ship Father Bic:

off to his untimely death.

I was thinking about what you asked

me the other day about Gretchen.

Mmm-hmm.

And on our third date,

she said something

about wanting to

start a family,

how she was

ready to have kids.

And I don't know, ever

since I lost my family,

I've always wanted

to make one of my own.

Hey, do me a favor.

Be very gentle with my car.

I've seen your car...

Ain't nobody gonna

mess up this sh*t.

Okay.

Why don't you go put

some ice on your dick?

Yeah. No kidding,

right? God.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Hello.

I got a problem.

I can't be there

on Saturday.

What are you

talking about, Garv?

Marci's dad found a butt plug

in the glove compartment.

She knows I'm working

with you again.

I had to promise to fix the kitchen

cabinets to get her to calm down.

No. You're going to be there.

Do you hear me?

I'll call Marci myself. Is

that what you want me to do?

I'll tell her about Kokomo.

MARCI:
Lurch,

where are you?

Look, Jimmy, come on.

No, don't "Look, Jimmy" me.

I'm not playing the

"Look, Jimmy" game.

No, we all made a pact.

You said the kitchen cabinets

would be done by today.

Just tell Marci that you'll do

the kitchen cabinets on Sunday.

Jimmy, go die in a fire!

I hate you.

I hope your dick

gets chopped off.

Roger Delta Niner.

And may God bless

whoever else is on this.

(MARCI YELLING INDISTINCTLY)

Hey.

Who is Jimmy?

Jimmy is actually a tag.

It's a tag name.

Military code.

Military code?

So,I suppose

I shouldn't pry into

the meaning of "kitchen

cabinets" then, either.

For your safety, no. I would

kind of leave it alone.

(CHUCKLES) All right, I'll see

you at the rehearsal dinner.

See you then.

Father.

Okay.

Oh, God.

HAL LANE:
Six violins,

two violas, two cellos,

one contrabass,

one electric bass,

two guitars, one drum set,

and I'll be singing.

And your first dance

will be to what song?

To our song,

You Are So Beautiful.

That's by Joe Cooker.

Thanks.

What?

That's not our song.

That's not our song.

(SCOFFS)

Honey, of course it is.

No, it's not.

Yeah. Babe,

don't you remember?

Your broken CD player repeated

it over and over and over

the first time

we made love.

Oh. (WHISPERING)

It was so amazing.

That wasn't me.

That was your ex, Steve.

And I know that

because you've told me

this story about five times.

So...

Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, you know, honey, it's

still such a beautiful song.

I mean, when you

really listen to the words.

Honey, it's my favorite.

Please.

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