The Wedding Ringer Page #10

Sure.

(SOFTLY) Yay.

I'm going to need a deposit.

DORIS:
Gentlemen,

in these wallets,

you have a license,

credit cards,

and $300 cash.

These bags here

contain your suits

for the rehearsal dinner

as well as the wedding.

You guys get some rest. We leave

for the high school at 0800.

What are we doing

at the high school?

(LAUGHING)

DOUG:
Hey, Dad.

ED:
Don't ever call me Dad.

So, we were thinking maybe the

field's a little too muddy today.

You sound like my daughters.

It doesn't get any

better than this, boys.

Come on, you pussies.

Okay. Yeah, all right.

All right. Sounds good.

OTIS:
We're playing

these old guys?

Listen. Let's just keep it

fun, fellows, all right?

Go out here,

amuse these old geezers.

There's no need

to rub it in their faces.

We wouldn't want

to see any coronaries.

You boys look

a little soft.

OTIS:
That dude

looks familiar.

Are you sure you can

handle going both ways?

I heard Doug enjoys that.

What?

(ALL GRUNTING)

OLDER PLAYER 1:

Sit, pal! Pussies!

OLDER PLAYER 23 He's open!

JIMMY:
Chop block!

That's a chop block!

Yeah! Yeah!

ED:
Touchdown. Seven-zip.

I just got punched. I thought

this was touch football.

You can't play football

without blocking, b*tch.

That old motherf***er

is fast as sh*t.

They just caught us

off guard.

DOUG:
Can we discuss

the rules again?

Come on, Doug, get up.

Good D!

OLDER PLAYER 32 It's Webster!

(OLDER PLAYERS LAUGHING)

OTIS:
Those old guys

are fast and crazy, man.

This is Sean John, b*tch!

ED:
Back on your side, loser.

You have a really

nice arm, sir.

Blow me, kid.

Oh...

(ALL GRUNTING)

Hut! Let's go, Doug!

(ED GRUNTING)

I don't have the ball!

(SCREAMING)

OLDER PLAYER 4:
Take that, gimp!

(GROANING)

You're so mean!

What the f***?

I'm in a wheelchair!

DOUG:
He's in a wheelchair!

Hey, fat ass, we're going

to do your sister!

I don't have a sister.

In the ass!

(ALL LAUGHING)

OLDER PLAYER 5:

Blue dog left, Omaha!

Yeah!

Yeah, brother!

Sh*t.

(OLDER PLAYERS WHOOPING)

(LAUGHING)

Why?

ED:
You're such a f***ing

embarrassment.

OTIS:
Your father-in-law is a dick.

(GROANS)

FITZGIBBONS:
Oh, God, 72 just bit me!

JIMMY All right, that's it.

(ALL CHEERING)

JIMMY:
Look at us.

ED:
Where'd you go to defense

school, Munchkinland?

Good one!

(ALL LAUGHING)

F*** this, fellows.

Sh*t just got real.

Get up, guys.

We're about to give these

old b*tches a nice

little serving of youth.

OTIS:
All right, ready!

Set. Hike! Let's go!

JIMMY:
Go, go,

Dickerson! Yeah!

(GROANING)

(CHEERING)

Old b*tch!

(SCREAMING)

Hut!

(YELLING)

(GROANS)

(LAUGHING)

How does it feel?

(WHOOPING)

F***!

JIMMY:
Hike! Let's go!

(GRUNTING)

Oh, God!

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

OLDER PLAYER 13 Hut one.

DOUG:
Fumble!

I've got the ball!

I've got the ball!

JIMMY:
This way, Doug!

This way!

I've got the ball!

JIMMY:
Go, go, go!

Keep going!

(LAUGHING)

(OLDER PLAYER SCREAMING)

LURCH:
Fumble!

KIP:
Fumble!

(ALL YELLING)

OLDER PLAYER 23 Dog pile!

Our ball! Our ball!

Our ball!

Okay, listen, y'all.

(KNUCKLES CRACKING)

I'll be the first to say

that we underestimated

these old sons of b*tches.

(ALL AGREEING)

Listen! Right now,

we are back in the game.

The next touchdown wins, guys.

Now, Doug, I gotta be

honest with you, man.

You played a pretty

shitty game.

And the last thing

I want to do is put

the ball in your hands,

but I do know this.

I know that you're

faster than Big Ed.

I know that I can

throw you the ball.

But what I need to know is if you're

going to catch the goddamn ball.

Hey, look at me.

(WHISPERS) Please don't

throw me the ball.

Doug, get off of me. OTIS: Man,

your father-in-law hates you.

Listen, I will throw it to you and

you're going to catch it. Okay?

Get some f***ing

balls right now!

FITZGIBBONS:

You need this, Doug.

Be a man. OTIS:
This

isn't a game anymore.

Your father-in-law has no respect for you.

OTIS:
Show him you're a man.

Be a goddamn man!

One, two, three.

ALL:
Break!

Hike!

/

/

/

Yeah!

(GROOMSMEN CHEERING)

(LAUGHING)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

DOUG:
Oh, my God.

(GROANING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

How did you like

them apples?

You can't spell "Ed"

without "B*tch"!

LURCH:
Whoa. Easy there.

That's going to be your dad.

(ALL CHEERING)

JIMMY:
I'm so happy

for you, man.

(LAUGHING)

You're not a b*tch!

GRETCHEN:
I told you

guys to be careful.

I knew someone would get hurt.

Look at this.

Well, to be fair,

we were just having fun

until your dad

and his friends

decided to make it

an MMA blood sport.

Don't pin this sh*t on me.

REGGIE:
Hey, hey, now.

Hey!

Oh, my God. Who the

hell are those guys?

DOUG:
What are you talking about?

Those are my friends.

That's Principal

Mitchell Rambis from Utah.

In the wheelchair,

that's Plunkett.

And that's the brilliant

philosopher, Ira Drysdale.

GRETCHEN:
No. No, no.

That's the strangest

looking group

of guys I've ever

seen in my life.

What do you mean? Those are my boys.

What's up, man?

How are you doing, Doug?

My, this has been a long

time coming, hasn't it?

Palmers,

it's an honor.

Mrs. Palmer, I see

where Gretchen gets her

(STUTTERS) good looks.

Thank you.

FITZGIBBONS:
Gretchen.

Yes.

On.

(CHUCKLES)

It's a pleasure finally meeting

the love of Doug's life.

Thank you. Hey, Grandma...

What the...

DOUG:
Oh, wait, Bic,

I meant to tell you,

Grandma made

a full recovery.

She's doing really well.

Doesn't she look good, guys?

ALL:
Yeah.

That's something else to look at there.

It's very pretty.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

What are you doing?

Nothing.

What are you feeding him? Oh,

what are you talking about?

(ALL LAUGHING)

That. He wasn't like that

until you showed up.

That's the Doug

that I know.

I've never seen

that Doug before.

Hi, everyone.

Hi. I'm Holly Munk.

I'm the head bridesmaid.

Twenty bucks says

they wrote a song.

$40 says it's The Carpenters.

You're on.

You're on.

You're onner.

You're on first.

You're more on.

You're on from God.

You're never going to

believe this, Gretch,

but we wrote you a little ditty.

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

Yes. And if everyone wants

to look under your seats,

you're going to

find the lyrics

so that everybody can sing along.

(WOMAN SQUEALS)

And we're singing

to the tune of

Lean on Me.

Pay up, Father.

I don't have any cash.

I only have credit.

Do you take credit cards?

Oh, no, I only take cash.

Oh, excuse me, Ms. Maid of Honor.

What?

Are you going to chat

all night or are you

going to come up

and sing with us?

Do you think you're too good?

No, this is your guys' thing.

HOLLY:
What, do you

think you're too pretty?

God always wins.

That's why you're going up there.

God is a winner.

Let's go, b*tch. Come on.

I'm coming.

ALL:
It's that

time in your life

Bum-bum

When you wear something blue

Bum-bum

And something borrowed

Gretchen was dumped

By handsome Steve

We'll just hit up the Supper

Club And make some mistakes

How long did we rent the place for'?

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