The Wedding Video Page #2

being carried out of the chemistry lab,

a teacher at either end having drunk

an entire test tube of industrial alcohol.

- That was so funny. Remember?

- F*** off.

- Tim, shall we get another drink?

- What a good idea.

This is the actual day. Saskia Dutton is

meant to be in this photograph but eh...

well, she knew all the teachers

would be out on the field so,

that was the day

of the chemistry lab raid.

If she'd looked up as she was carried

into that ambulance--

- I got a duvet and pillows and stuff.

- Look, look.

Cool.

Have you really not opened any

of these boxes from mum and dad's?

I've been kinda busy, having a job,

getting married, buying this duvet.

Come on, man. This is you and me in

these boxes. This is us, our whole lives.

Yeah. Okay, well knock yourself out.

Got a bit of an early start. All right?

- Sleep well.

- Night, mate.

5330 am.

The only people awake are milkmen,

crack addicts,

and women preparing for a wedding.

- Do you have to do this?

- Course he does. It's background.

- Have you filmed the home cinema?

- Yeah.

Stick a kebab shop up there

and you'll never have to leave the house.

Oh, I wish, don't you, that you had more

time at home sometimes?

My husband, Des, with his company.

The amount of social functions.

- Is it very hard being 'Mrs Rigid Box'?

- Not hard 'hard'.

No, I'm not complaining. God, there's

people in India with no legs. It's just...

Could you, sorry,

could you take your shoes...

Oh, right. Sorry.

- It's just with it being porcelain.

- Yeah.

Thanks, darling.

This week, for example,

2 separate nights we're taking clients

to the concerts at...

Do you know the classical concerts

at Breton Castle? Do you know those?

They are amazing. Full orchestra,

outside, under the stars.

- Costs a fortune to get in but...

- Not if you do it like we used to.

Yeah, I'm sure Raif doesn't wanna know

about that, darling.

We used to climb the hill from the other

side. Watch it all from behind for free.

Bag of sandwiches.

Actually, Raif,

could you put your shoes back on?

Oh, sorry.

Okay, get ready for the slow motion.

And... slow motion.

Meet Tim Moyle, my big brother.

Oh, don't do that.

- So, tell me about your job.

- Well, I'm head of a department,

which oversees systems across

the various council departments,

- and it makes sure--

- Can't stay awake.

Okay, piss right off. Thank you.

- Here is where I had my first pint.

- Oh, come on.

Put a bit of life into it.

- Here is where I had my first pint.

- Yeah, all right, thank you.

And so it was here amongst

this scrubland,

- that Tim found an adult magazine.

- Raif.

Upon taking it home, grandma found it

in the airing cupboard, and said to him:

"Tim, if there's anything you don't

understand about women,

you need only ever ask".

And this is the bridge where Raif would

like me to tell you about something,

but over there is the electric fence

where Raif, aged 5,

electrocuted his penis

by trying to wee against it,

and had to be taken to the hospital

with his pants down,

and the doctor, who I thought had

a terrific sense of humour, said:

"From now on, every time you do

a poo, your nose will light up".

And little Raif burst into tears.

Boo-hoo-hoo.

Thank you.

Hello, and welcome to 'Mr and Mrs',

where we find out how much the bride

and groom know about each other.

- I really don't wanna do this.

- I told you.

Put the box on, it'll be good.

So, Saskia, if you could get married

anywhere in the world,

- where in the world would you get married?

- I dunno.

Up a mountain or maybe the side

of a volcano or--

Really?

You're not meant to be able to hear

in the box.

- I thought you liked the Grosvenor?

- I do.

I like it. If we have to have a load of

guests then it's fine.

Tim. People often refer to me

as the human Las Vegas.

But if Saskia were any city in the world,

what city would she?

Oh, eh, I don't know.

- Leicester?

- Leicester?

- You're not meant to be able to hear--

- What's wrong with Leicester?

- Le... I mean...

- it's bright, it's central.

- It's got great connections.

- Oh.

- It's nice. Have you ever been?

- No. Fair enough.

- Right, put those on.

- I guess I am 'Leicester'.

- Put that there. Thank you.

- Thank you.

Right. Tim.

What's the most embarrassing thing that's

happened during sexual intercourse?

- Don't you dare answer that.

- You're not meant to be...

- Ow! Turn it down. Jesus.

- Tim.

What does Saskia think

is your most irritating habit?

She'd probably say

I don't really have any.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.

- Final answer?

- Yeah.

Okay.

Saskia.

What is Tim's most irritating habit?

Oh, God. Snoring.

No? Did he say rolling down,

when he rolls down the cereal packet?

Counting my drinks? No.

When he puts the toilet paper in a 'V'.

That's really...

Oh, no, did...

did you think I was gonna say...

He folds up his dirty underwear

before he puts it in the laundry.

I don't actually find that annoying.

I think it's funny.

- It makes sense.

- Yeah, I know.

You fold it, you get more

in the laundry basket.

I thought maybe you thought

that's what I thought--

Many people find getting married

is a time to re-examine their atheism.

- Hallo.

- Oh, hi.

- Reverend Dobbs? Tim.

- Tim, how are you?

- Hi, Saskia. Hello.

- Hello.

Oh, sorry. This is, um,

this is the best man.

He's just doing like a film thing

for the wedding.

No, no, that's fine. That's fine.

I'm quite used to being in front of

a camera.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Um, would you like to come in?

Welcome... to Damascus.

- Right, so--

- This is it.

Mary said to Joseph,

"I don't think this is our donkey".

That little boy.

- Every time.

- That's really good.

Cool, so um,

could we, so the wedding, is that...

The wedding.

- Of course, sorry, the wedding.

- I suppose we were thinking...

Right.

So...

are you both virgins?

Well, um...

Your face.

- Wow.

- Every time. Every time.

Now, Saskia wasn't

the only bride that summer.

Also getting hitched was Zanna.

Daughter of Alex's friend slash rival

Jacqui Mercedes Franchise.

All right, yeah.

The best things in life are free

After a perfect ceremony

and a awless dove release,

experts were predicting this would be

the Cheshire wedding of the year.

- Gold leaf champagne?

- Oh, wonderful.

Cheshire mushroom. Picked this

morning by the groom.

- Really?

- Complimentary camera?

Lovely.

- Frozen sugared rose petals.

- For f***'s sake.

Jacqui had hired

a professional film crew.

They had a lot of fancy kit but lacked

a son' of creative integrity,

demonstrated by a more independent

film-maker.

It's a glorious wedding.

You've been brilliant.

So is your wedding gonna be like this?

Yeah, a bit like. I mean,

it's a wedding, isn't it?

We've had the bit in the church, now you

do the milling around, avoiding people.

- Well, you know, general milling.

- Boys...

Come in here.

Come in here. See this.

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