The Wedding Video Page #8

with each other and bail!

Because, for God's sake, if you don't,

the light in the 2 people

that I love the most...

goes out.

Um...

Yeah, I may have just told you I love you,

and I probably should have told you

that before you were stood here,

in the middle of a field, on the way

to marry my brother but um...

if it's any consolation, I literally only

just realised that myself. So there we are.

I love you.

Does this mean I don't have

to give a speech?

She's not coming, is she?

Well, there we go.

I rather feared sending her

to finishing school,

was like painting varnish

on a diseased toenail.

Welcome to my world, Alex.

Welcome to a lifetime of publicly

apologising for your daughter.

I think I'll leave you to work out what

you're going to say to everyone.

There's something I have to tell you

and it's not going to be...

Please remain in your seats until

the 'seat belt' signs are off, please.

Thank you.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today,

to join together in holy matrimony,

Saskia,

- and Tim.

- We're not.

Um, ladies and gentlemen,

hi.

Alex. Des.

You made me feel like part of a family,

at a time in my life when I most

needed one.

Thank you.

But...

that's no reason to marry

your daughter.

There's only one reason why a couple

should do that.

Fortunately, there's a couple here

who know why,

and, fortunately,

they're both very close to me.

Raif.

Pronounced like a dog throwing up.

Raif!

Are we...

Are you sure about this?

Well, it wouldn't be legal. You know,

we haven't had the banns read.

- We've got the audience here, so...

- There's gotta be a bit of it you can do.

Do you think maybe you could

improvise?

It would almost be like being...

an actor.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today,

to join in holy matrimony,

Saskia and Raif.

We got married.

I know, what the hell were we thinking?

But, honestly, it was the greatest day.

Not that the rest of the day went

without a hitch.

Saskia forgot that her bouquet

was largely made of metal.

Patricia put on a fur hat

and got attacked by a falcon.

I don't care whether it looks worse or not.

It's embarrassing.

F***ing ridic... I'm sorry, Vicar.

And somebody turned on the overhead

fan during the butterfly release.

But the best bit was

the father-of-the-bride speech.

Go on, Des.

It's all right. It's all right, love.

When I was my daughter's age

I ran away from home,

to the Isle of Man,

and there I met a Frenchman who

showed me a bit of tenderness,

bit of compassion.

Went on to show me several other things,

including his,

camp-site, his tent, his genitals.

But to that boy,

whoever he was,

and I've genuinely no idea,

and to my mother,

I owe everything.

Because that combination,

of coldness and warmth,

meant that I ended up with this.

You know, when a bride's late

for her wedding,

most normal women assume

it's an attack of nerves but,

I genuinely thought that history

had repeated itself,

that she might have done a runner

from me and found her Isle of Man,

and gone. And I wouldn't have blamed

her because,

I made that mistake we so often make.

I'd grown to be more like my parent,

when I should have grown more

like my child.

I expect you've spotted that,

Saskia didn't marry Tim.

She didn't even legally get married.

I don't actually know what happened but,

I don't care. I don't care.

I just want you to be happy.

And just come shopping

with me sometimes.

So, there we are, then. The end of

my wedding video.

Not what I thought I was making

when I started.

I mean, I did have a hunch

how it would end.

With the groom looking at the bride,

knowing that he is

the luckiest man on earth.

That shot.

Every day is a reminder

That's it,

cross-check and doors to manual.

Every day is a reminder

We ain't nothing but some

If you cough up your smoke

cos your habit's a joke

Da-da-da-da don't stop now

If you the day

So we sit down, we do an interview

and we draw up a character profile,

and then we match the flowers

direct to your personality.

- Anyone ever come back as a cactus?

- No.

Triffid?

- Yes, madam?

- Cauliflower?

About eight and a half inches.

Yeah.

I'm just kidding.

We're nothing but some matter

Every day

I now take you as Mrs Frodo Baggins.

Oh, bugger, wrong ring.

Thank you.

I need a lake. I need a lake and a pond.

Ready, Go!

Ow!

- Everything all right, gentlemen?

- Er, yes, thank you, lovely.

Your woman is your angel

Your left side

is your whole life

And easily, the most beautiful thing

in your world

I can't believe you wrote that just for me.

Every word.

Cut!

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