The Wedding Video Page #7

Oi, you! You been chatting up my bird?

kiss a policewoman.

join a hen night.

Ooo.

Don't do that!

No, sorry, ladies. Yeah.

I didn't like that.

Number 9:

- No.

- It's a big candle.

No, this is wrong.

- You again?

- We're collecting for charity.

I've already told you to bugger off once

today. Yeah, you keep running.

And who the f*** are you? Go on,

bugger off, the lot of you.

So it's the big day.

Are you feeling nervous?

- Er, well, yes, of course I'm nervous.

- Morning of the wedding.

But the skill of the planner

is to remain a pool of calm.

- And how do you manage that?

- Can't remember what they're called,

but it's fine as long as you don't mix them

with alcohol.

Mrs Critchley, how are you feeling?

Well, this is the big day. The day we've

all been building up towards.

And we're suitably nervous.

Champagne at the ready.

Excuse the curlers.

Fridges for ice sculptures on your left.

Chocolate sculptures on your right.

Not now. Thank you.

- Italian princess kind of look.

- Lovely, loose flowing curls.

- Where the hell are my falcons?

- Round the table.

- Good.

- Thank you.

Can you get my hat from the

bathroom and my bag, please?

Thank you very much. Hat. Thanks.

Absolute frenzy.

Wonder if it's anything

like this at Tim's house?

Oh, good God.

Tim? Tim, wake up.

It's morning, it's 10 o'clock.

Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh, my...

Raif, it's 10 o'clock. Raif...

What the f*** am I wearing?

Raif? Raif?

Raif, it's my wedding day!

Gotta get up, help me out of this.

- Help me, Ralf.

- No, stay still, stay still.

- Help me out. There's a zip.

- All right, all right.

I can't go to the wedding dressed

like a cock.

Oh, goodness me.

I'm getting nervous now.

Raif, don't finish that.

Sorry.

Put this on. Put this on.

50 minutes. 50 minutes till I get married.

Phone. Shoes!

50 minutes till I get married.

It's got to feel rock solid.

No, it needs to be further forward.

Okay, is the best man's speech

written down'? I need to see it.

Not to interfere but just

to check the language.

Alex says no jokes about Europeans,

because the Belgian Ambassador's

gonna be there. And also--

Okay, out we get. As the guests

approach you smile.

And then you strew flowers. Okay?

It's important you remember the names

of the ushers. Toby, Fraser and Uri.

He's the Ambassador's son. It's their job

to marshal everyone for the photograph,

because the photographer says...

Sorry, what's happening?

Has a tyre blown out?

Have we got a spare?

Where are you going?

What's that noise'?

Oh, no, you're not gonna be sick.

Don't be sick on the suit. Okay?

- I have to tell you something.

- Go back in the car.

- I have to confess.

- About what?

About me and Saskia.

Right. 10 minutes.

- I'll go in the first car with your gran.

- Mum.

Don't.

- What?

- I know what you're going to say.

You do?

And, believe me, seeing you walk down

the aisle with the man you love,

that'll be thanks enough for me.

- Wish me luck.

- Good luck. Good luck.

- No, get off.

- You sh*t, you total...

What are you doing?

- Come on, get them apart.

- All right.

Just calm down, yeah.

Limo one is code green.

Limo one code green.

Champagne to zone 4.

Cue aerial display. Go, go, go, go!

Oh, look, mother.

She kissed you?

Why?

- We were in the kebab shop and--

- She kissed you in a kebab shop?

It's because she's unhappy, Tim.

That's why.

You know...

And I don't think you're very happy either.

- And I think you should admit that.

- I'm fine. I told you.

Fine's not good enough, though.

Before I went travelling, you were more

than fine. You were...

And I come back and...

Whatever it is that makes you happy,

I'm in. But this wedding isn't it.

It happened because Saskia

isn't happy either,

- and yet you're both gonna turn up--

- it's too late.

- It's not too late.

- I can't talk to her at the church--

- Go to the hotel, then.

- The bells are gonna start in 12 minutes.

- She'll have left the hotel.

- She's a bride. She'll be late.

Right, okay. It's Saturday morning,

we've gotta get across town.

- Get back in the car.

- Have you got the keys, keys, keys?

We don't need the keys.

Yes, keys, get the keys.

And I said:

"I'm practically wearing a dress

anyway,

I can stand in for the bride,

but not the groom.

Sorry, are you saying that the groom

hasn't arrived either?

- Are you sure it was here?

- It must.

They wouldn't have fallen out

anywhere else.

- Got them!

- Oh, yes, well done!

Rog, get in the car!

Get in the car!

All right, all right.

I don't believe this. You can't park there

on a Saturday, mate!

We've gotta go. Gotta see her.

Congratulations. Well done!

- Oh, piss off.

- Hey!

- And you.

Come on!

Beautiful.

Okay.

Come on, nearly there.

Wait till you see the dress.

She looks absolutely--

- What room is she in?

- She's gone.

She's gone. She's... She's gone!

We need to put the ice sculptures

out now.

No, no, no, no. Let me tell you, Georgio.

Currently I have an ice flamingo.

In 2 hours it'll be a goose.

In 3 hours a duck. In 4 hours I will be

serving my guests vodka

- in a f***ing ice puffin.

- Okay, okay.

Thank you.

Oh, sh*t.

- Right here.

- No, it's left.

Right. They won't go on the motorway,

it'll be on the Old Chester Road.

Not clear. Repeat, not clear.

The Ambassador's not clear for zone 5.

The dog won't go in because

of the falcons.

Oh, dogs are in. The dogs are in,

the dogs have cleared the plane. Oh.

- What plane?

- Yeah, sniffer dogs. Sniffer dogs.

We're clear of the sniffer dogs.

We are ready to board.

- Hang on, is that a Bentley?

- Yeah, that is a Bentley.

- Overtake it. Overtake it!

- All right, sorry.

- Hi.

- Hi.

What are you doing?

Um, do you wanna marry me, Sas?

- Tim, it's our wedding day.

- Yeah, it's our wedding day.

It's the happiest day of our lives and,

we can absolutely say if we don't want it.

Do you want it?

I don't know. I think so.

Oh, Jenna. Jenna, I need...

Jen, um... okay, okay. Er...

It's just I think... between you and me,

we might have a bit of an emergency.

No, don't say that word. Ever.

Shh.

Please be seated, madam. Thank you.

Oxygen masks will fall.

Ambassador.

Saskia.

Are you okay?

I just think we need to talk.

- Are you okay?

- I'm fine.

When, I mean...

How...

I mean... Tim, why now?

I told him.

- What?

- What happened in the kebab shop.

Tim...

You bastard.

- You stupid, dumb, idiot, bastard.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Oh, God. Why did you do this?

- Because it was the right thing to do.

If you wanna marry Tim, be my guest.

Those are your bells, your cars,

half a mile from here a wedding with

your names written all the way through it.

But you...

you are the most decent, wittiest,

loveliest bloke,

a brother could ever ask for. And you are

the girl who got me through school.

If I'm really honest, life probably.

So, it's about time that the people

in those 2 cars manned up,

started being really honest

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