The Wedding Video Page #6

Are.

I made it but...

Tim didn't.

Because he met you.

No, not like that. No.

No, I...

He should have stayed.

Well...

They'd have really liked you.

Thank you.

See if you can hit that stick.

- Rubbish.

- Sh*t.

This is THE tree.

Tim could never climb it but yours truly

is basically Spider-Man.

- Wow. Go on, then. Go on.

- Uh?

Go on.

Thank you. That's nice.

- Um...

- You all right?

Not really.

- Little help?

- Yeah. Okay.

- F***.

- Oh, my God.

I wanted them to be like footprints

of all my travels. So,

I got that in Tijuana, cool snake.

They say never fall in love with a stripper

but that's California.

Hello, Jeanie.

Monkeys fighting robots. That's, well,

Tokyo, obviously.

And then up here on my chest I got this

Maori guy to design,

it was beautiful, my mum and dad's

birth signs.

- Oh!

- Yeah. Except it went septic so,

I went to Dagenham and this bloke

covered it with a massive f***ing dragon.

- Oh, my God.

- Sweet, right.

The River Dee was a vital watercourse

for the Romans.

Um, yeah. Turn that off.

Seriously. Turn that off.

And on your left you'll see the native

tribes people of this area.

Rog.

Gina Palladia, Foregate Street.

We're gonna do a special shot.

Bring your guitar.

Okay, cue music, Rog.

And here comes the bride!

Cock.

- What?

- That's what the models say. Pout, cock.

- Pout. Cock. Cock.

- Cock?

Right. Give me tigress.

Ninja.

Er, okay, dance for me.

My flamenco beauty! You must dance!

Sas?

Saskia?

Saskia?

Sas...

Raif! Raif!

Sas! Saskia!

Raif! What do I do?

Do you want me to keep filming?

Sorry, mate, sorry.

There you go. Sas!

- Raif!

- Please come back, Saskia!

- Saskia!

- Well, what do I do?

Raif.

Bingo.

Can I say the thing that anybody would say

to a woman 2 days before her wedding--

I'm not nervous.

All right.

Well, Doctor Raif's in session.

Taking patients. Ding.

Come on.

I'm very compassionate.

Compassion's nature's way of helping

ugly men find partners, so...

I'm unhappy-Okay?

And it's dark.

Like imagine the darkest colour

you can imagine.

Like black but even darker.

Well, it's like this sticky,

dark oil has been...

poured into my heart and it hurts.

And it's just this big black,

smoker's lung of...

unhappiness just dripping with...

blackness.

F***.

Year 11. You bunked off halfway through

cross country. Got on a bus,

just so you could see the Chemical

Brothers check out of a hotel.

April that same year,

the week Kurt Cobain died,

you asked if you could read

in assembly,

but you didn't read from the Bible,

you read out Nirvana,

even when they tried

to drag you away.

Sports Day, you pierced your ear

and it bled and you cried for an hour,

and the little kid in the year below you,

bought you some ice cubes

and you smiled at him.

And that smile stopped his heart.

And I'll never forget that smile.

- Oh...

- So any time you feel less than fantastic,

you remember, you're Saskia Dutton,

Saskia Dutton.

Sorry.

Whoa.

Okay.

They didn't?

Oh, they didn't.

Please tell me they didn't.

So has someone seen them?

Someone definitely knows?

Oh, great.

Something wrong?

The Koreans who were going to do foot

massage in the toilets just got deported.

Hey, Raif.

What are you gonna do about this?

Hmm?

- Please tell me you're gonna tell him.

- Turn the camera off.

- No chance. This scene is far too--

- Give me the camera.

Hey. Old Cheshire Glory.

It's his favourite. Took me ages to find it.

Apparently they've stopped making it.

It killed too many tramps.

- Raif's got something to say.

- No, no. Listen, that should be me.

Look, I just want to say...

No, no, no I'm sorry,

for being arsey and stroppy, you know,

with everyone.

It's just the wedding and the whole...

I took myself to one side and I gave

myself a very stern talking to,

and you know what?

Everything's fine.

You know, I'm fine, the Wedding's all fine,

because I know,

I'm doing the right thing. Aren't I?

And Saskia's all right.

I mean, you'd know.

- He's a much better judge of women.

- Saskia isn't...

Leicester. You asked me what town

she was and I said 'Leicester'.

She's not Leicester. She's...

Rio and Mardi Gras

and Amsterdam and...

- Barcelona in the rain.

- I've never been to any of those places.

You don't have to now,

you're marrying Saskia Dutton.

The world comes to you.

H6)'-

The Moyle brothers.

All for one and one for all.

Your woman

ls your angel

ls your left side

Your whole life

And easily the most beautiful thing

in your world

She'll soothe you

Accuse you

Confuse you

She'll lose you

But always be the best friend

you have in the world

Time and space

Things in their place

I know it's more than a feeling

Cos my love it has no ceiling for you

- Raif?

- Hey.

Oh. Hi, hey. Um...

I just wanted to say

everything's fine.

Oh.

It's funny, I was just thinking

how fine everything was. So...

Good. Um, well...

that's what I came to--

- Say. And what I was just thinking.

Um, good.

Obviously a bit...

weird but um...

- it happens.

- Oh, all the time.

- Happened to me once on a ferry which...

- What?

- What are you...?

- I don't know.

- What were you saying?

- How, in the kebab shop when I...

- Yeah. No, done. Erased. Don't worry.

- No, um...

No, I mean that there obviously

there are things to um...

to address um...

- for me and Tim, not...

- Oh. No, look...

- and this is not the time.

- just get this wedding out of the way.

And then sort out the marriage after.

I mean, you don't have to sort it out.

- No, no, er, yeah... it's okay.

- You've got 2 days till the wedding.

- You've seen the schedule, so...

- Oh God, bloody Jenna. She's...

Cool. So...

I guess I will see you then. So...

As long as you're fine.

- Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

- Right.

- You all right?

- Yeah.

So you... organised anything?

Well, I just thought you'd prefer,

you know...

Well, it's just as well I booked

a stripper.

- What?

- What?

We went through this. I said Tim's not

gonna want that sort of thing.

Come on, mate--

Tim Moyle?

You've been a very naughty boy.

- For f***'s sake.

- It's fine, Raif, calm down.

You've been a very naughty boy.

And you know how we punish--

Sorry, I've gotta take this.

Dave, just wait till I get home.

Sorry.

Oh, you naughty boy-

I'm gonna have to take you into custody--

Sorry.

Dave, I said just wait till I get home.

Why is my job suddenly a problem?

You know why I'm doing it.

You know! Don't you think I feel dirty?

- Don't you think I feel used?

- Thanks for this, Rog.

Come on. It's my fault he's like this.

Mate, I'm fine. Completely fine,

don't worry. Drink!

H6)'-

Here we go. Internet.

Ultimate stag night challenge list.

- No, no. Give it here.

- Yes.

Rog! We're not doing some dopey bunch

of challenge--

3 shots in 3 seconds.

Go.

join another stag party.

That's interesting.

We thought of using those caterers.

3 and 4, combined.

Okay, skip that one. What's next?

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