The Wedding Video Page #5

We've gotta eat.

We... we, we have to go and eat,

to eat with the chef.

- Who gave her the spliff? You?

- Er, hello.

- I'm still in the room. I can hear you.

- Yeah, right, you are.

Tim!

Don't laugh at him.

And you're just like "Yeah, fine"

to whatever she says.

- That is such a load of bollocks.

- Yes, you are!

I've never heard such sh*t in my life.

- What did you do all day?

- I wanted to go out.

- Raif was there.

- Just been titting around with him.

She just needed a break

from the wedding stuff.

Don't make this harder than it is already.

I see you've worked out the title

of your autobiography then.

Hiring Rostherne Hall attracted the

attention of the local glossy magazine,

which promptly made them the stars

of their 'Wedding Of The Month' feature.

This required a photo-shoot.

Smile. Just remember you're in love.

And you have your whole lives together.

Meanwhile, out on the terrace,

Britain's next top model was getting

ready to have her photo taken, too.

This is my favourite view, looking

from the house down towards the lake.

Just look this way, please. Lovely.

And again.

- Oh, that's nice.

- With Patricia in such an excellent mood,

I thought I'd ask some burning questions.

So, Patricia, it must have been a very

different family before Alex met Des?

Not much money around. Was it...

I'm assuming Alex and Saskia's dad

must have separated?

Probably about 2O minutes

after conception.

Right. Might be hard to track him down

for an interview, then.

Well, you could stand on the Eiffel Tower,

and shout out, "Has anyone had sex

with a waitress on holiday?

But being in France I don't suppose many

hands would stay down, would they?

"But being France, I doubt many hands...

- If you could try to...

- Here we are.

Here is the groom. And the best man.

This is Luke from Exclusive Videos who's

going to be shooting the wedding video,

so the pressure's off you, Raif.

You can focus on your main job now.

Raif?

You can focus on being best man.

This one was shot by the third

Lord Rostherne, in Kenya I think.

Early 1800s. Magnificent beast.

I could let Alex have her official version

of events,

but I decided I was gonna keep filming

as well. Under cover.

Anyway, these ones were in West Africa.

Chased them for days.

Very rare breed. Almost extinct.

Terrible trouble hunting them down.

And round here, a special one.

Very special.

The jewel in the crown.

This was the one the third Lord

was most proud of.

- You don't see many of these.

- No, I can imagine.

Couldn't stuff the whole thing.

The rest we made into cushions.

Saturday afternoon, 1978, Chester Zoo.

Very difficult shot. Children everywhere.

Ah, now these magnificent specimens,

for me they sum up what was really

great about this country.

They're a constant reminder,

that the English were never afraid to shoot

a grazing herbivore right up the arse,

from behind a wall of Nigerians.

And this is my favourite.

I actually stuffed him myself.

But it was too rainy to go hunting,

so we bought him from a pet shop,

took him home,

kicked him down the stairs.

I say,

bam-bam old girl, what's through here?

Er...

The fourth Lord, who married

into the Marquillage family,

and, finally, the fifth Lord.

My late husband.

Oh, look. Here he is.

Harold, you've lost weight.

Have they not been feeding you?

Sas, grab the camera.

He was wonderful. Very kind.

Very sensitive.

Very Christian man.

I still feel his presence everywhere

in this house.

Hello. Lord Rostherne here.

Just reliving some of my favourite

moments from out on safari.

Out on the savannah, some chap told me

you can't call yourself a real hunter,

till you've popped the old chap

in a tiger's mouth.

I said, Sir, if you'd met Lady Rostherne

you'd know--

- This is my bedroom.

- That's a blessed relief.

Oh, my God.

Hi, this is Saskia.

I am reporting on a camera

which has just been confiscated,

by my mother from Raif,

who is currently in there getting

a major bollocking--

What's he done? What did he do?

No, it's fine. We were just,

- We were in the private rooms and--

- We?

Why are you treating this like

it's a laugh?

This is a wedding, Saskia.

This is not a laugh, this is a wedding.

It's getting closer and you treating it

like it's some f***ing party,

is not gonna help us get through this!

It's still here.

This is a site of immense historical

importance.

Anyone who bunked off Roton High

ended up down here drinking beer.

And this is where Raif is going to

meet me if he wants his camera back.

Good day, Lord Rostherne!

My good Lady Rostherne, how are you?

- Old Glory!

- Oh, my God.

- 57 pence.

- Old Glory.

- Yes.

- They still make it.

I hope so. This may be from the batch he

still had the last time I went in there.

I think mine's got hairs floating in it.

I can't drink this.

I've got a wedding dress fitting

this afternoon.

- Definitely don't drink that.

- I'm supposed to be drinking wheat grass.

- Enjoy that.

- Let me have a taste, one taste.

- And it's just as...

- Wow.

- Revolting as I remember.

- That will put hairs on your hairs.

- How did you end up in Lucerne?

- It was gran's idea.

European college to help prepare

for society.

Like university?

Er, one of the lessons was how to listen

to a conversation.

You're kidding.

- How long did you last?

- 6 days.

- Wow.

- Got chucked out drawing

'How to get out of a sports car without

flashing your knickers'.

I wasn't wearing any. I was.

- Things went downhill from there.

- How?

- Well, basically just more and more debts.

- Go on-.

- There was a hire car driven into a lake.

- Wow.

There was an affair with the bloke who

took the stitches out. He was lovely.

Then I had a fight with his wife.

I got in with this biker gang. I mean,

it was incredible

and just the loveliest guys.

Um, but...

turned out they were basically using

me as a drugs mule.

I realised I had spiked my own drink.

The bloke that had his tooth removed,

he's suing me because he's a flautist.

She set my ponytail on fire. And the rest

of the bar. It was awful.

I had to leave Italy after that.

My mum and Des had to fly out

while I'm in hospital,

waiting till I'm fit enough to stand bail.

Oh, my God.

And that's when Saskia Dutton

became Saskia Critchley.

Right. Come on, come with me.

Where are we going? Raif.

This is the summerhouse. Mum and dad

bought it when we were small.

Oh, look.

You can imagine coming here

when you were a kid.

'Swallows And Amazons' and

'The Famous Five' all rolled into one.

- So peaceful.

- What the...?

The River Dee was a vital

watercourse--

- Oh, that's new.

- It rises in the hills in Llanuwchllyn--

Oh, bloody hell.

Cheap lock.

Wow.

This is...

Look at this.

They always said they'd see the world,

mum and dad.

So when they died, me and Tim decided

we'd do the trip for them.

Sold the house.

Bought the tickets.

Head to Patagonia where they were.

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