The Wedding Video Page #4

home". No, I can't do that.

She's your mother, it makes her happy.

One day he'll look back on that,

and really laugh.

Next on the card

is the 3:
25 Rigid Box Haulage Stakes.

Classified race over 7 furlongs.

Are you running?

Um girls, I'm afraid there's been a change

of venue for the wedding,

- so new invitations.

- My God, they haven't double-booked?

- Not the Grosvenor, surely?

- No, no. It's just that, um...

Somewhere else came up which had

always been Saskia's favourite anyway.

- Oh, my God.

- It's not a hassle, is it?

- Had you booked cabs?

- Alex, it's Rostherne Hall.

Wow, it's Rostherne Hall.

How on earth did you manage

to get that?

- Amazing. That's...

- it's unheard of, actually.

- Wow.

- Brilliant.

Are you getting all this? Sorry, but if you

don't take the first time then...

the reactions aren't so real.

Thanks, Raif.

- it's outrageous.

- Oh, it's f***ing ridiculous.

- It's far too big.

- But it's cold, Jacqui, that's the thing.

- She'll never heat it.

- No, I know, it's wrong.

So, Des,

how's the big speech coming along?

How's this for an opener?

"Ladies and gentlemen,

most of you know I am not Saskia's

biological father,

but I like to think

I am her nonbiological one.

- Well, will that get a laugh?

- Um...

- Bird cages. With real birds in them.

- Oh.

And you dye the bird to match the cage.

Or you can have a white one and a black.

- I don't want birds.

- Darling, look...

Picture frames on twigs.

- Why?

- Why? Why not. Why not.

The doctor said,

"I can't see a parrot, madam,

but I can tell you've had a cockatoo".

- Inappropriate?

- Um...

Wheat grass. Just knock it back.

Good for your teeth.

Okay.

Just...

Okay.

- Er, wheat grass.

- Mum, I--

- Wheat grass!

- Wheat grass!

- Thank you, Jenna.

- Jenna's being marvellous.

- Something with a horn. Thank you.

- Stop it.

I'm gonna be your mother-in-law

in a week.

- it's lovely.

- Feel that, you can just...

I think it could do with a coat of arms.

An escutcheon thing with the family crest.

250? 300.

Oh, sorry.

Forget my head. All right?

Oh, you got that down you? Good.

- Ta-da!

- Oh, I think they're perfect.

No. I don't like it.

As you enter, the falcon flies the length

of the church,

and delivers you the wedding rings.

All right?

Jenna, you're a genius.

You are a genius.

We'll have that. Definitely. Fantastic.

I don't know what it is.

It's part of the theme, isn't it?

What, birds of prey theme? Okay.

I must have missed that meeting,

we decided to have

a predator themed wedding.

- Okay. I'll change it.

- Were you at the meeting?

I'll tell them you're not happy

with the falcons delivering the rings.

Let's have a couple of penguins

with them on trays. Yeah?

That's a nice idea.

Yeah, thank you.

So, I was thinking we should film

at the summerhouse.

Are you gonna watch that?

Is that why you're making it?

- It's a present for you.

- Yeah? Well, stop it. Okay?

Just put it down.

If it's a present for me then...

When somebody offers you a present,

it is customary to accept.

There's actually a tribe

in Eastern Siberia where--

Can you get the salsa, please?

- I don't think the camera's the problem.

- I do, Raif.

- No, it's that you don't back up Saskia.

- All right, I'll get it myself.

- You roll over to Alex all the time.

- What?!

- Anything she says--

- I haven't rolled over to anyone.

Don't be silly. If she told you you were

having an underwater wedding,

- you'd be round there in a frog suit.

- I want you to be there,

in the middle of this nightmare

helping me organise this wedding,

instead of just dicking around

around the edges.

How dare you! I am not clicking

around the edges.

- I'm taking this very serious.

- What the hell is this?

Right, yeah. Well...

I won a raffle at a wedding show.

It seemed like a shame to waste it.

- You say "no for the sake of saying no.

- No. Mum.

You've always been like this.

No, I don't like braces".

"No, I don't want to go to finishing

school." But you've got to try things.

Oh, I've got to try things?

Well, I've never tried heroin, so...

- Can you stop filming, please?

- Shall I try some?

- Probably not.

- Mum.

You want me to travel in a Rolls Royce.

Fine.

Then you change your mind.

You want to travel in a Bentley. Fine!

Don't you want enchantment?

Don't you want your day to...

- Don't you want it to be special?

- Mum, are you taking heroin?

Because every time I tell you

what I want, it's like you're not there!

Do not say that.

I'm no monster. I'm a mother who wants

her daughter's wedding day to be special.

I didn't like to say in front of your mother

but I think that horse had the horn.

You look like you could do with a drink.

We're there. There.

Okay. Oh, Crikey, I'm on now, am I?

Yes, you are officially part

of our wedding video.

- Show him the ring, darling.

- Oh, that's lovely. Congratulations.

- Thank you.

- We're very happy.

Well done. So you're looking for wine

for how many?

- 600. Yeah.

- 600?

- 600?

- Yeah, we're up to 6 now.

Right, 600. Right, okay, Well, I'll just...

Sit down. I'll just get a little selection.

- A seat for the bride?

- Thank you, my darling.

Don't mention it, my sweet.

Won't be long. Just make yourselves

comfortable. 600?

- Six. Yes.

- Our 600 guests,

who we shall now

try all of the wine for.

Mmmm.

- You get the almonds just at the end.

- It just hips in there.

The almond just nips in there.

I can taste liquorice.

And liquorice as well, yes. Well spotted.

- Do you have any others with liquorice?

- I think...

Actually, yes. Hold tight.

Now we're in...

business.

Cheers.

- That's lovely.

- I'm getting mango.

"Are you?

"Mangg?

But jasmine as well?

Bit of jasmine in there?

- Very moreish.

- Yeah.

Yeah. Lovely, yes. Thank you.

Now this has a lovely,

herbaceous,

green aromas.

So we can compare them,

let's get another of the...

the, er, one, um,

the one before.

You see the bottle opener

anywhere?

- You're so funny, Andrew. You're so funny.

- You two, I know.

- To happy happiness.

- And plenty more where that came from.

You just see what you wanna see,

don't you?

You just bloody see what you wanna see.

(Andrew 'singing?

Do you wanna hear the song

that I've written?

Yeah.

His name is Tim

Your name is Saskia

Well, is that...

Is that it?

I can't remember what I did after that,

to be honest.

I don't think I want my wedding song

written by the 'orgasm gun' guy.

Okay, just to clarify.

At school Roger and I were in a band.

I say 'band'. We only had the one song.

Doctor Sargasso's orgasm gun

I say 'song'. It was really just one line

that we repeated over and over again,

whilst everyone pretended to have

an orgasm,

which went down surprisingly poorly

at the Christmas carol concert.

Doctor Sargasso's orgasm gun

- Doctor Sargasso's orgasm gun

- Sorry, what, hello.

- Waaaaay!

- What's going on?

Where have you been?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes