The Week Of Page #9

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Diabetes.

- Oh, okay. So, the legs...

- Ah...

That sh*t's not from the war?

That old fool lost his legs to sugar?

That's cheating!

You guys, stay in here.

It's probably the neighbors

about the penis-whistling.

What're you doing here?

Is the bachelor party over?

Yeah. Someone had a stroke

and the strippers got mad. Where's Sarah?

You listen to me.

You are to go nowhere near my best friend.

That is history.

Oh, my God, it's a stripper!

I'm sorry?

She's a little out of it.

You're an adult.

You should've learned how to drink

eight years ago, when you were 15.

Hey, do you want to have sex?

I mean, go back to your place?

I mean, do you?

- Wait. Is that Jared?

- Yep.

Got him off your back for you.

Uh, maybe we should hold off.

Because you're drunk,

not because my dad's waiting for me

in the car out front to take me home.

So, how's he reacting to the cortisone?

His vitals are stable right now,

but between his age,

the stress of being under foam,

and, of course, the diabetes...

it doesn't look promising.

His face looks very red.

My understanding, from the EMTs, is that

the redness is from the punch bowl.

That's all fruit punch?

Yes. I tasted it.

Guys, I'm so sorry.

- I feel responsible.

- Stop this right now.

This was gonna happen to this man,

whether he was thrown

into a foam pit with strippers

or home alone, watching Wheel of Fortune.

He had a preexisting condition.

It had nothing to do with you.

All right.

- All right?

- Yeah. Thanks, Kenny.

Thanks, man.

Charles.

I think you should have

some time alone with Seymour.

I've been alone with him for years.

Yes, but you might wanna

share with him right now.

It's healthy for both of you.

Closure.

You don't wanna leave anything unsaid.

Really?

Don't hold back now.

You'll regret it.

Leave nothing unsaid.

I'm sorry. Very.

I used to whack off

into our vacuum cleaner...

thinking about Magdalena, our housekeeper.

And then Mom...

replaced the vacuum

with one of those Dysons

that doesn't have a hose.

And I felt lost.

But fortunately, I figured out,

one time after breakfast,

that if you fill a Ziploc bag

full of Bisquick and warm water,

and then make a tube...

He's been in there for an hour.

I guess he's got a lot on his mind.

Thank you.

Whatever happens,

I feel like a weight's been lifted.

I'm gonna grab a smoke.

Here is a man who taught us

that you can walk with God,

even without legs.

The navi Shmuel,

in the eponymous Book of Samuel,

tells the painful story of Mephibosheth,

the son of Jonathan,

the grandson of King Saul,

a man who was loyal to King David

through thick and thin.

Mephibosheth, the prophet tells us,

was lame,

and lived at the mercy

of those around him.

- He was manipulated, mocked...

- What's with the strip?

That a Jewish thing?

I use it to keep me from snoring.

I don't wanna be rude.

Seymour Lustig was loyal

through and through.

The time I was able to spend

with Private Seymour Lustig was brief.

But the lessons I learned

will last a lifetime.

Private Lustig was not

a man of many words,

but he did tell me

that he loved West Hempstead,

and even said that I had done a great job.

You did great up there.

- Ah, thanks.

- Yeah.

Sorry about your loss.

Thank you. I guess I'll see you

tomorrow night.

No, no, no. That's not happening.

What's that?

Why would we have a tribute dinner

if he's not gonna be there?

Well, I figured a nice

kinda posthumous kinda thing.

The funeral was a posthumous

kind of thing, no?

Yeah, but I thought

you already promised us the dinner, so...

I know about the diabetes, okay?

All right?

I think we're done here.

Now, let's put him in the hearse.

- Oh. Got to keep it level, man.

- Morons.

Hey. How's everybody doing?

Good, Dad.

Right. Let's get in the car. Come on.

You didn't have your guys

fix the ballroom leak yet?

Well, we're back on, so get 'em on it.

Please stop giggling.

Kenny, are you ready?

Come on! The rehearsal dinner's at 8:00!

I know! I'm going downstairs already!

- Do his tie!

- All right!

Wow, Dad!

What? What happened?

I think I've seen you

in a suit three times:

my bat mitzvah, my high school graduation,

and when you took us to the city

to see Phantom.

Yeah.

All three times

I wore this suit, by the way.

It still looks great.

You're making it all happen, Dad.

- Yeah.

- Dad! Dad!

I think I did my tie good.

Yeah. Hey, it looks fantastic.

- It's... Let me just touch it up.

- Okay.

Okay. You knotted it up good.

Wow, Dr. Cortice.

So handsome.

- Everyone's so excited for tonight.

- Come on.

It's not City Hall,

but we'll have some fun.

Okay, okay.

- Over here.

- Okay.

Hey, what's wrong?

Hey. Nothing, pally.

You look like you found out

Sears went out of business.

No, no, no.

Did tomorrow blow up?

Yeah. Yeah, but it's okay.

So, your family's good with it?

I can't... I haven't had

the heart to tell them.

Look, why don't you just

let me pay for City Hall,

and nobody has to find out.

Yeah. Please don't ask again.

- Okay, I'm sorry.

- Okay.

- You'll figure it out.

- Thank you.

Tonight, it's just immediate family.

It's not that big a deal.

Thanks.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I'll say hi to the driver.

That's what I'm gonna do.

Wait, wait.

Which one's the driver?

I figured if they had to drive themselves,

they might get lost.

Yeah, the Hamptons are hard to find.

That makes sense.

You got two of 'em, huh?

Yeah, they gave me two

for the price of two.

That's funny. That's funny.

Dad, this place is like a dream.

Oh, yeah. It's very understated,

just like Sarah's taste.

They've got croissants in a jar and...

This place is amazing. Who lives here?

Thank you. It's a well-known celebrity.

Do you know Psy?

He recorded that song "Gangnam Style."

You know Psy?

Well, actually, I did his father's heart.

He lends his art to museums.

Of course he does. Amazing.

Psy has beautiful taste, doesn't he, Mom?

Oh. Oh, yeah, wonderful taste. Mmm-hmm.

You know, when you bite your thumb,

you're supposed to stop.

How's school?

Dad, I took a year off to travel abroad.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I knew that.

Did you try the pork dumplings?

They're so good.

No, because I'm a vegetarian.

I've been a vegetarian for two years.

Oh, I thought that was slang

for something.

No, Dad, I'm not a lesbian.

I keep telling you.

You're not?

Hello, everybody.

This has been such a gratifying night,

to see all of you

- enjoying yourselves so much...

- Thank you.

...after all our planning.

And to Sarah,

we can't wait to have you in our family.

Thank you.

I can't wait to spoil my first grandchild.

May I add here that we are especially

excited for a Jewish grandchild.

As you know, Drake is black and Jewish,

and he's our favorite artist

to make love to.

Okay.

Okay, Kirby.

Speech from the father!

Oh! didn't know I was supposed to speak.

I'll do one if he doesn't.

No, no, that's okay, kid.

Uh... Well, what can I say?

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