The Week Of Page #10

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First, I wanna salute my ex-wife, Katrina.

It's a great speech,

and her boyfriend, Pistachio.

So, we're here to talk about my son,

who, uh... You know...

I wasn't there when he was born,

but I was on my way.

And when I got there,

I was excited to meet him.

I never hit my children.

That's one of the good things

about not being there.

I never beat their mother.

She beat me a couple of times.

We called the cops.

You know what? Let's forget 2008, okay?

Not even gonna bring it up now.

Should've let me go.

What the hell are you doing?

Check it out.

I snuck some video at the bachelor party.

You're looking at strippers?

Your father just died today.

Hey, it's after midnight, okay?

That was yesterday.

Well...

Listen, I need your help. I...

The mayor backed outta the City Hall.

Politicians.

You know they're lying

'cause their lips are moving.

- I still haven't told anybody yet.

- Well, don't.

Here's what you say.

The mayor said something racist to you,

and you had to pull the plug.

People love that.

How?

How do you even prove that?

Fine. How about bats?

What?

You know, you say you can't

do the wedding there

because there's bats in City Hall.

You know, an infestation.

There's bats all around!

They're in the underpass

at the train station.

All we need is nets. All right?

We get them into City Hall,

and they have to close it down. Done.

- What are we getting in City Hall?

- Bats.

No... Stop it!

- What are you doing up?

- I'm always up. Bats?

No, I don't know what he's talking about.

Okay, listen.

The mayor killed the wedding.

Just... Just 'cause of the lying?

I don't know how to tell anybody.

I'm sick to my stomach right now.

So we have to sabotage City Hall!

Fireplace. Remember? There's a fireplace

in the mayor's office.

We just get bats down the chimney,

and we're in. That's it.

Come on. There's only a few hours

left of darkness.

What? You and me are gonna go catch

a bunch of bats?

And me. I'll help.

Yeah, but they are fast.

We'll need a bunch of people.

Are you sure we don't need

the other guys for this?

Ah, it's only two floors.

I can scale it myself.

One...

two...

three!

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh! They're freaking out.

- Ah, come on!

- Calm down.

Give me the Kahlua.

The what?

It's still in the trunk. Come on. Hurry.

You all right?

- Just hold it steady.

- Careful, careful.

- Hold... Hold my...

- I got it!

All right, bag!

Bag! Bag! Give it to him!

Get it! Go!

- All right.

- Go.

Go! Yes!

- Good, good.

- Yes!

Go, go.

Okay.

Oh!

Ah!

What're you doing?

Gotta give it a minute.

The bats need to know that

they can't fly out.

All right, I think we're good.

What the heck?

- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God.

- Get your clothes!

- I got it!

Clear!

Let's go.

Call 911.

Go! No 911! Can't do that. Let's just go.

All right, done!

Might wanna throw away that bag, though.

Those morons pooped in it.

Police and animal control are working

to remove several dozen bats

that authorities say were discovered this

morning inside West Hempstead City Hall.

What the hell?

Kenny, what are we gonna do?

I don't know. That was crazy.

You can get all kinds of rabies

from those a**holes.

Are people even gonna wanna

go in there now?

Honey, I'm sure if you want it there,

most people will go,

if... If we're allowed.

- Right?

- I don't know. I don't know.

Well, don't put this

all on yourself, sweetheart.

Come on, everybody. Come in here.

Gather 'round.

Maybe we should take a poll to see where

everyone's heads are at right now.

Would you rather we bring the wedding

back to the hotel, where the big leak is,

or City Hall, with the bats?

Who... Who would rather have the bats?

I'm pretty sure the bats are

not gonna be good for Noah.

Pablo, thank you.

The mayor expressed deep dismay,

saying he just heard about this right now,

and was far away from City Hall

when it happened,

still mourning the passing of

local war hero Seymour Lustig.

He said City Hall has been evacuated,

and will not be reopened until every bat

and every last pellet of bat feces

has been found and disposed of.

Ay-ay-ay.

Well, I guess we'll have to re-book

the hotel if it's still available.

My wedding is today, Mom.

Sweetheart, I will get that done for you.

I promise you.

Aw, Daddy will fix it.

What can you do? It happens. Bats.

Powerful sh*t.

Powerful, meaningful sh*t.

Whoop! There it is! Ah!

Under the rabbinical authority of

the West Hempstead Synagogue,

I pronounce you husband and wife.

Argh!

No! No!

- Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

- No!

What you're feeling is scary,

but not dangerous.

You may kiss.

Yes.

I just broke my heel.

Yeah.

She broke her shoe.

- She broke her shoe.

- Stop. That's not your job anymore.

- Just let him be the husband.

- Yeah, I know.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen,

believers and skeptics,

feast your eyes on the wonder that is...

the wedding party.

Oh, ooh!

We got us a ghetto wedding.

Yeah. Good pick.

You... You're not enjoying this, are you?

No, no, I'm good.

You don't look good.

I mean, me?

I got a reason to be miserable.

I barely know my own family.

That's not true. They love you.

They gotta love me.

I... I write the checks.

You? Your wife loves you.

Your kids love you.

My kids love you.

Sh*t! My... My whole family loves you.

Pally, why do you think...

Oh, oh, guys, we're... We're talking.

Can you please just lift us back up?

Why do you think they give you grief,

your kids? Because they love you!

It's different.

You were there when they needed you.

I was chasing ass.

Now, where...

Where did all this ass come from?

I was a young black surgeon in LA.

It was like I was Dr. Denzel for 30 years.

Okay. Okay, guys, guys.

I said we were still talking. Hold up.

Please. Come on, pally.

Still plenty of time

to make it up to them.

Plenty of time?

I don't know about you, but this

kinda seems like the final act to me.

No, no, no. This is just the start

of the next phase.

Yeah, right! You look real psyched

about this next phase.

What, I'm not psyched?

- Come on!

- Hey! Whoa, whoa!

You kiddin' me? The man's talkin', here!

I can't hold it anymore. Talk down here.

It's a private conversation.

Come on, 30 more seconds.

I'm not psyched?

You know what, pal?

If I had dedicated my whole life

to my kids the way you did,

I'd be scared to face tomorrow, too.

Dad.

Dad, get the hell down!

Uncle Mark's gonna collapse!

- What's that?

- Damn it.

Save the veil!

There's sprinklers.

Where is the...

- Are you okay, babe?

- Yeah. Where's Sarah?

Dad! Daddy, are you all right?

I'm fine, I'm fine. I need to talk to you.

I need to... Come here. I'll be, uh...

Gimme a minute. Just, everyone go.

- I love you.

- I know. Let's just get out of here.

I love you. I'm sorry.

Dad. I know how hard you worked.

- I had to pay for it.

- You did everything you could.

- I know.

- No.

I... I should've let Tyler's dad help pay,

instead of being a big shot.

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