The Wheeler Dealers

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1

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

[ VEHICLE APPROACHING ]

[ RUMBLING ]

[ RUMBLING INTENSIFIES ]

[ GURGLES, SPUTTERS ]

[ BIRD CAWING ]

I HAD A FEELING:

IT WAS A DUSTER.

YOU GOT THE ONLY THREE DRY WELLS

IN PARADISE BASIN, HENRY,

AND TWO LEASES:

EXPIRING NEXT WEEK.

WHAT ABOU THE BAILEY FIVE?

LOOKS BAD, HENRY.

DROPPED THE BID AT 6-5.

WE'RE FISHING FOR IT NOW.

WELL, YOU CAN'T SELL DUST,

HENRY,

SO YOU GOT TO HIGHTAIL I UP TO THE BIG CITY

AND GET YOURSELF

SOME SHOPPING MONEY QUICK, YES.

BILLY JOE, IS MONEY

ALL YOU EVER THINK ABOUT?

HENRY,

I AM AN ACCOUNTANT.

I'M SUPPOSED TO THINK

ABOUT MONEY.

SO YOU GO ON UP NORTH AND RAISE

$1.2 MILLION STARTING RIGHT NOW,

OR YOU'RE BROKE, YES.

HENRY, YOU'RE A RICH MAN,

AND A RICH MAN:

CAN'T AFFORD TO GO BROKE.

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

HERE COME THE:

WHEELER DEALERS:

WHEELER DEALERS:

HIGHFALUTIN LOCAL YOKELS

DIAMONDS IN THE ROUGH

FANCY-DANCING CITY SLICKERS

THAT'S WHAT I CALL

WHEELER DEALERS:

YEAH, LONG AS WE GOT MONEY,

THAT'S ENOUGH, YEAH

NOW, WE'RE JUS ORDINARY PEOPLE

BUT WHEN WE GO TO TOWN

EVERYWHERE WE GO, WE'RE GONNA

LAY THAT MONEY DOWN

YOU KNOW YOU GOT TO

SPEND A DOLLAR:

IF YOU WANT TO MAKE A DIME

JUST KEEP ON SPENDING MONEY

ALL THE TIME:

THEY CALL US:

WHEELER DEALERS:

WHEELER DEALERS:

HIGHFALUTIN LOCAL YOKELS

DIAMONDS IN THE ROUGH

FANCY-DANCING CITY SLICKERS

JUST SOME KIND OF

WHEELER DEALERS:

YEAH, LONG AS WE GOT MONEY,

THAT'S ENOUGH

FROM VERMONT TO CALIFORNIA

IT'S VERY MUCH THE SAME

THEY'LL TELL YOU

WE'RE THE KIND OF FOLKS

THEY'RE PROUD

TO KNOW BY NAME:

WITH A QUAIN NEW ENGLAND ACCENT

OR A GOOD OLD:

TEXAS DRAWL:

HELLO, J.R.!

GOOD DAY, R.J.

HI AND HOW ARE Y'ALL?

NOW, IF I EVER GET TO HEAVEN

I'M GOING THERE WHEN I DIE

GONNA MEET WITH:

THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS

OF THAT COMPANY IN THE SKY

AND IF THEY GO A PLACE UP THERE

WHERE WEALTH:

IS BOUGHT AND SOLD

SAINT PETER BETTER WATCH

HIS PEARLY GATES

AND GUARD THEM STREETS OF GOLD

HERE COME THE:

WHEELER DEALERS:

WHEELER DEALERS:

HIGHFALUTIN LOCAL YOKELS

DIAMONDS IN THE ROUGH

FANCY-DANCING CITY SLICKERS

AIN'T THA A BIG DEAL?

YEAH, LONG AS WE GOT MONEY,

THAT'S ENOUGH, YEAH

SAVE YOUR:

CONFEDERATE MONEY, BOYS.

WIDGETS IS COMING BACK

IN STYLE.

DA, DA, DA, DA-A-A-A-A

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ HORNS HONKING ]

TAXI.

TAXI!

TAXI!

TAXI.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LADY?

THERE, YOUNG MAN.

MAYBE THAT'LL TEACH YOU

SOME MANNERS.

OH.

YOU CAN'T GET A CAB

IN THE AIRPORT.

YOU CAN'T GET A CAB

WHEN IT RAINS.

YOU CAN'T GET A CAB

UNLESS YOU DON'T WANT ONE.

ANY OTHER CITY,

YOU CAN PHONE FOR A CAB.

NOT NEW YORK.

YOU'RE JUST LIKE MY WIFE, MISTER.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND

THE ECONOMICS OF THE SITUATION.

THEN TEACH ME.

I'M INTERESTED IN THE ECONOMICS

OF ABOUT EVERY SITUATION.

WELL, THERE ARE 11,000 CABS

IN THE CITY:

AND NO NEW PERMITS

FOR THE NEXT 25 YEARS.

NOW, SUPPOSE YOU WANT TO

BUY A CAB AND START HACKING.

YOU GOT TO GE A NEW PERMIT, TOO.

NOW, THE TAB

ON A NEW PERMI IS $18,500

ON THE OPEN MARKET.

MM-HMM.

AND HOW MUCH:

DID YOUR CAB COST, MR., UH...

FEINBERG?

$3,300. NEW.

MM-HMM.

AND THAT MAKES YOUR INVESTMENT,

UH, WITH THE PERMI COME TO ABOUT $22,000?

YEAH.

BUT DON'T TELL MY WIFE.

SHE'LL THINK I'M RICH.

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

MM-HMM.

MR. FEINBERG,

I'LL GIVE YOU $24,000

FOR YOUR CAB AND PERMIT.

YOU WANT TO BUY THE CAB?

RIGHT, BUT YOU

COME ALONG WITH IT.

I'LL NEED YOUR SERVICES

FOR A WEEK, MAYBE TWO.

NO, LOOK, MISTER.

I CAN'T SELL THE CAB.

I NEED IT.

WELL, I FIGURED THAT.

SO, WHEN I LEAVE,

I'LL SELL IT BACK TO YOU

FOR $22,000.

YOU WANT TO LOSE 2 GRAND

JUST TO KEEP YOUR FEET DRY

WHEN IT STARTS TO RAIN?

I DON'T LOSE, MR. FEINBERG.

YOU SEE,

I BORROW THE MONEY,

AND THEN I GET A DEDUCTION

ON THE LOAN INTERES AND ANOTHER

ON THE DEPRECIATION

AND ANOTHER ON THE LOSS

WHEN I SELL IT BACK TO YOU,

AND YOU MAKE:

A NICE PROFIT.

YOU WIN AND I WIN.

UNH-UNH.

THERE GOT TO BE A LOSER

SOMEWHERE.

TAX MAN LOSES.

HE USUALLY DOES:

ON A HENRY TYROON DEAL.

MISTER, YOU JUS GOT YOURSELF A TAXI.

[ TELEPHONE BEEPS ]

YEAH?

HE DID?

HENRY'S NOT IN MIDLAND.

THEY SAID HE WENT UP TO NEW YORK.

NEW YORK?

YEAH, I BET OLD HENRY'S UP THERE

LOOKING FOR SOME LOOSE CHANGE.

THEY TELL ME HE HI NOTHING BUT DUST IN THE BASIN.

NOTHING BUT DUST.

THIS YEAR THERE'S A REAL JINX

ON HIM WHEN IT COMES TO OIL.

WELL, IF HE'S LOOKING

FOR MULLET IN NEW YORK,

IT LOOKS LIKE THAT'S WHERE

WE'LL FIND THE ACTION.

I RECKON WE BETTER SWING BY

FOR A LOOK-SEE.

WE BETTER SASHAY

UP TO NEW YORK.

YEAH.

RIGHT NOW, CHARLIE.

OH.

I CAN'T TELL

WHETHER I'M HUNG OVER

OR WHETHER I'VE GO SINUS TROUBLE.

WELL, SINCE YOU'VE GOT THE CHOICE,

WHY NOT MAKE IT SINUS TROUBLE.

OH, THANKS A LOT.

UH, THE FUZZ ON THAT TOUNGUE.

MY SINUSES DON'T REACH THAT FAR.

WHERE'D YOU PICK UP THE FUZZ?

I CAUGHT I AT A COCKTAIL PARTY.

I DON'T THINK

I ATE ENOUGH.

BET YOU ATE:

ENOUGH OLIVES.

AND WHERE DID YOU

SPEND THE NIGHT?

ON THE GOOD SHIP

LOLLIPOP?

NO. WENT TO A GALLERY

WITH LEONARD.

A NEW ARTIST HE THINKS

IS THE COMING THING.

LEONARD STILL HAVING

HIS PROBLEMS?

STILL SEEING:

THAT PSYCHIATRIST?

YOU'D HAVE PROBLEMS, TOO,

IF YOU WERE MARRIED TO THA WOMAN HE WAS MARRIED TO.

WELL, I'VE HAVE PROBLEMS

MARRIED TO ANY WOMAN.

OH, ISN'T IT AMAZING HOW I

SPARKLE SO EARLY IN THE MORNING?

WHY BOTHER SPARKLING?

WHEN A GIRL SPARKLES

DOWN ON WALL STREET,

SHE'S A THREAT.

WHEN SHE SPARKLES UPTOWN,

IN MY TERRITORY,

SHE'S A PROMISE.

I'LL STAY DOWNTOWN,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU BETTER QUIT SPARKLING

FOR LEONARD.

YOU WON'T GET ANYWHERE

WITH HIM.

A HEADSHRINKER'S

TOO MUCH COMPETITION.

IT PUTS A THIRD PARTY

IN THE ACTION.

LEONARD'S A PASTIME,

NOT A PROJECT.

IT'S COMFORTABLE

TO HAVE HIM AROUND.

HE HELPS ME WARD OFF

THE GRABBERS.

I'VE GOT TO RUN,

SO I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

NOW, YOU SEE, IF YOU WORKED

UPTOWN INSTEAD OF DOWN,

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO BOL SO EARLY.

WE COULD SHOP AT BONWITS

AT LUNCHTIME.

OH, UPTOWN IS JUS A STATE OF MIND.

ME?

PUT UP ANOTHER $100,000?

ME?

HENRY, YOU MUST BE

OUT OF YOUR MIND.

YOU SURPRISE ME, LEN.

YOU'RE HESITATING.

WE WENT DOWN THE LINE

WITH YOU THIS YEAR,

AND WHAT DID IT GET US?

PART OWNERSHIP IN SIX OF THE

DEEPEST, DRIEST HOLES IN TEXAS.

YOU BOYS SURE GOT SHORT MEMORIES.

HOW ABOUT THE SEVEN WELLS

WE BROUGHT IN TWO YEARS AGO?

I DON'T BELIEVE IN LIVING

IN THE PAST.

YOU'RE SLOWING DOWN, HENRY.

MAYBE YOU'RE LOOSING YOUR TOUCH.

YOU USED TO HAVE

UNDERCURRENTS, HENRY.

I DON'T FEEL THE

UNDERCURRENTS ANYMORE.

LEN, A FEW YEARS AGO,

WHEN YOU HAD ALL THOSE SURPLUS

AIRPLANES YOU COULDN'T UNLOAD,

- YOU SAID, "SEND THEM TO

THE JUNKMAN," RIGHT?

- RIGHT.

WELL, JUST WHO WAS IT THAT SOLD

THEM AS AN AIR FORCE

TO A CERTAIN UNNAMED PARTY

IN CENTRAL AMERICA?

BUT WE GOT PAID:

IN BANANAS.

YEAH, AND YOU FERRIED

THOSE BANANAS ON YOUR AIRLINE

AND CLEARED HALF A MILLION

DOLLARS, RIGHT?

AND YOU, FLINK.

WHO WAS IT THAT PUT YOU

ONTO THOSE 40,000

OBSOLETE JAPANESE CAMERAS?

YOU DID, HENRY,

BUT I --

I MADE YOU THE FIRS AMERICAN IN HISTORY

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