The Wilde Wedding

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YOUNG WOMAN:

So, what can I tell you about Eve Wilde

that you don't already know?

Well, for starters, she absolutely hates

being called Grandma or Grandmother

or anything with "grand" in it.

So she's just plain old Eve

to both you and me.

Oh, you probably do know

she's been married before, right?

But the only one you really need

to pay attention to is Laurence,

husband number one

and my personal favorite

because he is technically my grandpa,

but guess what.

I can't call him that either. Actors.

Eve and Laurence met in New York

where Laurence was studying

to be a famous actor.

And Eve wanted to be an actress,

but, well, you know

how that old chestnut goes.

Life's what happens

while you're busy making plans.

Laurence got cast

as the lead in this big comedy.

and he got Eve a part in it too,

which was super cool of him.

But when the film came out, all of the

reviews said, "Hello. A star is born."

But they weren't talking about Laurence.

By the time Eve was

one of the biggest stars in the world,

she and Laurence were exchanging

humorous divorce gifts.

A silver cowbell for Eve

to wear around her neck

so Laurence would always know

she was coming.

A birdcage for Laurence so that

the next Mrs. Darling couldn't get away.

I'd say Eve is on the whole

what you'd call a positive person.

She says that her whole life has been

one long fairy tale and everything.

But I might just disagree with Eve here.

I might say in everything except love,

which, frankly, if you knew the family

would be considered the family "hurdle."

But all that was about to change.

MAN:
Like the lightning

that precedes thunder,

my eyes took in what my heart knew

an instant later,

that this was love.

Love at first sight.

YOUNG WOMAN:
So I'm making a film

for Eve of the weekend.

It's my wedding gift.

And from prior experience,

I can say it'll have

a little bit of all the genres:

comedy, drama, musical

and, of course,

documentary, which is my forte

because I like to think

I ask the tough questions.

I bet it was the Swedish nanny

who jumped you when you were, like, 16.

- Excuse me?

- Mom told me.

She said that girl

was totally your type. Bad girl.

Oh, my God.

Mackenzie, that is so inappropriate.

Come on,

it was the Swedish nanny, right?

Actually, my first love was...

My first love...

MACKENZIE:
OK, so he's doing

this whole drum-roll thing

because deep down,

he wants to say it was my mom,

but instead he's just trying to think

of something funny.

That's my mom and dad

in this band they had.

Mom said there were a lot of guys

trying to get her attention,

but she only had eyes for him.

She said he wrote the most dreamy music.

Thing is, he still does,

just not for her.

My first love was a crme brle

that I had in the south of France

when I was 12.

You're so emotionally retarded, Dad.

- Thank you.

- (MUSICAL RINGTONE)

Alright, hang on.

- Hey, Jimmy.

- I'm patching Ethan in.

- OK.

- But I got everything.

All of Harold's numbers,

bank accounts, loans, debts...

MACKENZIE:
My Uncle Jimmy has fallen

in love, like, a gazillion times.

He says he's a romantic.

- Look.

- MAN:
Jimmy?

MACKENZIE:
There he goes again.

MAN:
Jimmy? Jimmy, you there?

- Sorry. What? Sorry. Where was I?

- Having your suspicions confirmed.

Right, confirming my suspicion

that people who write serious novels

have a relatively small pot to piss in.

- Which is why this f***ing prenup is...

- Dad.

- Hey, honey.

- Hi, Dad.

Your bus is very late.

Yeah, I know. I was on it.

Dad, this is Pink.

- Pink?

- Hey, dude.

She's coming with us for the weekend.

Well, honey, it's kind of

a special weekend, don't you think?

I brought a friend to her last wedding.

But you were five.

I brought a friend to your last wedding.

Thanks, babe.

Please, I finally erased

that whole debacle from my memory.

- Where's the car?

- Right there.

Come on.

Hello? Where the hell's Ethan?

(GRUNTING)

MACKENZIE:
My Uncle Ethan

says he's never getting married.

Oh, f***! My God! Ah!

MACKENZIE:
He says why would he,

with all the interesting people

he meets on social media these days?

Good boy, Yoyo. Good boy.

WOMAN:
Oh, hey, Guy. Yeah.

You heard the new tracks? OK.

I'm gonna have the number-one

album and the number-one tour

if you pull your finger out of your ass.

Do your job. I want arenas.

- Oh, honey, look. Look.

- No. Mom, please.

Yes, yes, yes. Hey, can you pull over?

Yes, yes, right here.

MACKENZIE:
The problem is

that when it comes to relationships,

examples have to be set.

But in my case, the adults setting them

are quite possibly

the worst examples known to man.

JIMMY:
Mom, Mom,

that slope near the boathouse.

Somebody's gonna go ass over backwards

into a lawsuit.

Well, it leads down to the lake.

I don't want to board it up.

Well, can we at least put up

a couple of signs?

Al, could you make up a couple of signs

that say "Beware of Steep Slope"?

- A sign?

- WOMAN:
Hello?

A sign's gonna save us

a million dollars if someone falls.

- We're in here.

- Mom.

WOMAN:
Hi.

Sam.

Sam can't pass a vintage clothing store

without begging me to stop.

- Hello, darling.

- What's up, buddy?

- That's for you.

- Come sit down.

- You look beautiful.

- Thank you.

Sam, just do what I do.

Donate all the clothes Mom gives me.

I think your mother

has a charming fashion sense.

- So do I.

- This is lovely.

Yeah.

- Sam. Tell me, how is your father?

- He's in Miami.

- Yeah. Sebastian and I broke up.

- EVE:
Why?

Well, you know, it was either that

or I was gonna strangle him.

Sure, the go-to options.

- MACKENZIE:
So, Eve...

- EVE:
Mm-hm.

MACKENZIE:
What can you tell us

about your first love?

Oh.

There was a beautiful boy, Cosmo.

He was the reason I joined

the theater class where I met Laurence.

Of course,

Cosmo wasn't interested in girls.

Yeah, duh. Of course. His name is Cosmo.

Alright, so... so, what,

your first love was Laurence?

I remember the first time

Laurence and I rehearsed.

He looked at me

with that smoldering stare that he has.

I mean, you know. You know the one.

I know it well.

And it was goodbye, Cosmo,

hello, Laurence.

( "BOOTY SWING" BY PAROV STELAR)

EVE:
Now, of course,

Laurence has had the career

every actor would dream of having,

unless, of course,

you're Laurence Darling.

He's recognized as a great actor.

I'm just a... a simple movie star.

And he could find that very annoying.

- Morning.

- Morning.

- Boys, boys, boys.

- Dad.

It's so good to see you.

Why isn't it more often?

- You never return any of our calls.

- Dad, Dad, Dad.

It was a rhetorical question, James.

We all have such busy lives now.

- Laurence.

- The Lady Eve.

- How are you?

- I am grand.

I have come to see you off again.

Maybe we'll get it right this time.

That's why I'm here,

to make sure that this one is a keeper.

You are so thoughtful.

As if you'd have any idea

what a keeper was.

- WOMAN:
Laurence.

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