The Wilde Wedding Page #2

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- I'm sensing a theme here.

Are all the exes invited?

- Just the ones Mom likes.

- And they're still alive.

Well, I'm glad I still qualify.

Has the great man arrived?

Not yet. His sense of timing's

even better than yours.

Upstaged again?

- WOMAN:
Bad Girls.

- HAROLD:
Uh...

(BRITISH ACCENT)

Right. Uh, Bad Girls, Bad Girls.

(BRITISH ACCENT) Dad, come on.

It was one of her biggest hits.

Oh, yeah, got it.

Uh, Eve steals into a prison...

an Indonesian prison

to save her daughter

who's wrongly accused of murder.

OK, and it ends...?

Oh, f... Um...

Hang on just a minute. Uh...

Oh, yes, uh, it turns out

the daughter actually did it,

but Eve takes her place

on the scaffold anyway.

Actually, it's a rip-off

of Tale of Two Cities.

(BRITISH ACCENT)

Dad, I think it's very romantic

that you're going to all this effort.

- Thank you, Clemmie.

- Romantic?

It's an absolute bloody miracle.

RADIO:
You're an angel from up above

Sent down to give me love...

CLEMMIE:
Dad?

Dad.

I'm sorry.

It's a big day here.

- Waiting for Harold.

- (BRITISH ACCENT) It's a very good day.

Harold, man. Oh.

(BRITISH ACCENT) Mum. Mummy.

Hey, hey, hey.

- ETHAN:
Here they come. Here they come.

- (HORN BEEPS)

JIMMY:
He's going around the wrong way.

(HORN BEEPS)

EVE:
Alright, everyone, behave, behave.

BOY:
Our new family.

MACKENZIE:
Four.

EVE:
Welcome! Welcome!

And there's number five.

Oh!

Right. This is my daughter, Clemmie.

Hello, Clemmie.

I've heard so much about you.

- My daughter, Rose.

- Rose, yes.

And this is Rose's friend

and almost third daughter.

- Hello.

- Saffron.

Saffron. Hi.

Come meet my family.

There's Jimmy, my oldest.

- Hey, Jimmy.

- James.

- And then Rory.

- Hi, Rory.

- Ethan.

- Ethan.

Back there with the camera

is Mackenzie,

whose mother is Priscilla

who was married to Rory.

Here's Sam.

You are doing...? Hi.

- My daughter, Mackenzie.

- Hi.

- Hi, Mackenzie.

- Hi.

EVE:
My nephew, Dylan.

My brother's son,

who sadly couldn't be here. And...

- You are who?

- Dylan.

- Dylan, hi.

- And Laurence, the father of my sons.

And husband number one.

What a great pleasure. I am a big fan.

The pleasure is all mine.

I'm a bigger fan.

EVE:
So you guys are in here.

Oh, thank you very much.

MACKENZIE:
According to Wikipedia,

"Harold Alcott writes novels about love

that are tragically comedic."

Which means he's gonna fit right in

with this family.

- HAROLD:
I missed you.

- EVE:
Well, that's your fault.

It's because you have

so many books to pack.

HAROLD:
Well, I'm a writer.

Just as long as you have that book

with the pictures that we like.

Oh.

The Pompeiian bathhouses.

Yeah, those saucy Romans.

I brought it in my hand luggage.

RORY:
Get off.

Stop it.

Oh.

(LAUGHS)

Did the cat get the cream?

- What cream?

- Silver fox.

Major hottie. For an old guy.

Oh, you know, hang on here, you guys.

You make me sound so... so superficial,

like it's all about

his, granted, good looks

and not about his big...

whoopee-doo-doo.

(LAUGHTER)

Do I really have to hear this?

Did I wanna hear about you and Priscilla

and the best sex of all time?

Hey, hey, hey. I never said that.

- Really?

- Really?

Do not repeat that to Mackenzie. Do not.

It wasn't the greatest sex of my life.

It was the greatest sex of his.

RORY:
Seriously?

Hello?

Hello? Hi, yes. I'm trying to track down

an employee of yours.

She drove the Montauk bus yesterday

that arrived at 11:45.

Actually, I say it arrived at 11:45,

but in point of fact

it was very, very late.

Why do I wish to contact her?

Is that any business of yours?

I mean, I could be an estate attorney.

MACKENZIE:

So what does marriage mean to you?

What's your experience with that?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Uh, well...

My... My parents fighting.

People getting divorced.

Whoa, OK. You're being a little bit

of a Debbie Downer here, alright?

What about first love?

What's...

What's your experience with that?

First love?

Let me give that some thought.

Dylan, Dylan, I'm still filming.

(WATER SPLASHES)

(SIGHS)

MACKENZIE:
Dylan.

Girls, you know that crazy,

warm sensation you get

when you cross your legs

and squeeze really tight?

Well, the first time I had that,

the weirdo in me

was thinking about D ylan.

But what would, o f course,

get tongues wagging around these parts

is that Dylan and I

are technically first cousins,

but first cousins once removed,

so there's, like, a three percent chance

our kids would have, like,

15 fingers and three eyes.

OK, the first-love question

was a bit leading

as Dylan and I have already kissed,

but it was last summer

and I haven't even seen him since.

Anyway, just...

it raises that age-old question.

You know, can you ever go back?

EVE:
That's exactly what I was thinking,

though I think maybe a couple more here,

possibly another hydrangea.

- I think that'd be very nice.

- (CLEARS THROAT)

The last thing

I would call either of us is selfish.

In fact, the term "generous to a fault"

springs to mind.

But in this instance,

I suggest we put it to the vote

to keep our one solitary decanter

of liquid nectar

a secret from the vin ordinaire drinkers

and rendezvous back here

aprs le diner.

I second that motion and say aye.

Aye.

Harold and I will meet you back here.

Yes, Harold.

He's a fine-wine man, is he?

(MEDITATIVE CHANTING)

(RESUMES CHANTING)

(PHONE BEEPS)

(CONTINUES CHANTING)

(PHONE RINGS)

I don't wanna f***ing talk

to you, a**hole

F*** you

(RESUMES CHANTING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(IN PORTUGUESE) So are you happy?

Go on, say it,

and I'll tell you what I think.

I think you're a liar.

Me? I'm fine.

- Hey.

- I'm fine.

Hey.

Moving right along.

In fact, you know what?

You know what I feel like doing?

I feel like making love right now.

I want a man to devour me

and kiss every inch of my naked body

until I am begging him

to f*** me hard.

How do you feel about that?

Well, guess what.

I'm looking at a guy right now.

And I can tell from his sh*t-eating grin

that he'll be happy to oblige.

Ciao.

MACKENZIE:

It will probably surprise you to learn

that Ethan speaks five languages,

Portuguese among them.

So he understood every word of Saf f ron's

phone call to her, quote, "grandma,"

and explains the grin

she was referring to.

ETHAN:
How about we go on a little ride?

I got some delicious magic mushroom

chocolates. You up for it?

SAFFRON:
Mmm. Very naughty.

( "JIMMY'S GANG" BY PAROV STELAR)

Half will get you really high. Easy.

Aah!

Whoo!

(SNORES)

To you.

Cheers.

EVE:
Mmm.

So how's it going

with the young actress?

Young is a relative term. She's 36.

She went back to her boyfriend,

at my suggestion, of course.

They're getting married.

Must be catching.

I'll probably be

at that wedding as well.

Ah, so that leaves

a position to be filled.

Mmm.

Already filled.

So, tell me, am I giving you away

for good this time?

Harold is an extraordinary man.

That he is, but will he understand

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