The Wilde Wedding Page #3

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your way of thinking?

I don't think that way anymore.

Fame, success, the flattery.

I'll leave it all to you.

Thank you. I'll take it.

Very generous of you.

Eve didn't tell you I was coming, huh?

Oh, I wonder why.

Maybe she thought

you'd have a problem with it.

- Oh, hey.

- What's up, guys?

- Hey.

- Wear less.

OK, that happened. Um...

Look, a rock 'n' roll tour is not

a place for a 16-year-old girl. Come on.

Well, why don't you come?

Oh, sure. What, now that Sebastian

is no longer needed?

- Sure.

- Oh, honey.

- What?

- I think I'd rather be dead.

- Sh*t. OK, good night.

- OK, good night.

( "WASH MY HANDS" BY KORMAC)

SAFFRON:
Alright, now, who's shaggable?

I don't know. I can't decide

between the beautiful 17-year-old boy...

(IN PORTUGUESE) You cradle robber.

Saff.

...or the naughty 30-something-year-old

that you were tarting around with

last night.

He's much more up your alley.

- Right.

- He's all yours. How about you, Clem?

Why would I tell you,

Tweedleslap and Tweedleslapper?

- Oh, my God!

- Come on, Clem!

(LAUGHTER)

- Dad.

- Yeah?

Eve's one and only Golden Globe

was for, A, Loves of a Blonde,

or, B, Blonde Love?

Uh... Loves of a Blonde.

ROSE:
Uh, wrong.

It was actually for Blind Lover.

That's a trick question.

That's not fair.

ETHAN:
An early wedding present.

What is it?

I got sent this the other day

and they want the two of us to be in it

playing mother and son.

That's imaginative casting.

It's actually a really good script.

You should think about doing it.

I'm in a wheelchair.

You end up in a wheelchair.

Last scene is the two of us

dancing in wheelchairs.

- A lot of crying scenes.

- Really? I'm retired. You do it.

- It's a both-or-nothing deal.

- Oh.

- Will you at least read it?

- Oh, honey.

Come on, on your honeymoon.

Gotta get out of bed sometime.

- Bow-chicka-wawa.

- That is so bad. You are my son.

- Where are you guys going?

- Venice.

- That's original.

- Well, it was Harold's idea.

I didn't wanna start off

as a difficult wife.

Then don't be a difficult mother.

(PIANO INTRO)

RORY:
OK, Eve and Harold's wedding song,

take one.

Bet the house, bet the f arm

Fourth time is a charm

It's amazing what a book tour can do

He's tall, debonair

And he's still got his hair

Coolest couple in "Vanity Fair"

Six weeks is all it took

Two books and the sales are strong

You know you can never go wrong

When love comes along

You never go wrong

When love comes along

You never go wrong

When love comes along

You never go wrong

When love comes along

ROSE:
I think it's very adult of you

to be this civilized.

I mean, not everyone would have

their ex-husband at their wedding.

My mum would turn into the Exorcist

if Dad showed up at her wedding.

Oh, God.

Projectile green vomit.

Head 360. The whole thing.

She still really hates him.

- Dare one ask why?

- (CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, well, um,

as Dorothy Parker once said,

"Hogamous, Higamous,

Man is polygamous

Higamous, Hogamous,

Woman is monogamous."

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

Um, I doubt Dorothy Parker

actually said that.

Yes, it has a man's fingerprints

all over it.

Yes, it sounds

suspiciously self-serving.

RORY:
You know,

if it helps explain anything, Rose,

Mom and Dad here

were like the poster couple for divorce.

Yeah, they gave each other

divorce gifts.

Really? What?

- I've forgotten.

- Me too.

Actually, one time, Mom took the three

of us out of the country for a vacation

and she didn't get Dad's permission.

Dad waited patiently until we got back

and then had Mom arrested at the airport

and put in prison for the night.

What a guy.

Character building.

And when Dad came back after having

been away working for three months,

he found that Mom

had completely redecorated the suite

and put it on the bill.

Yes, it was much more cheerful.

(SINGS ITALIAN OPERA)

Hello, there!

- Hey! Hombre!

- Ah!

My best man.

- Cmo est?

- Oh, muy bien. Usted?

Bien, bien, bien.

Hey.

Bienvenido.

- Seor.

- Cmo ests?

JIMMY:
I just think we have to make

at least one attempt

to get Mom to do a prenup.

I don't know. She's done

quite well for herself so far.

Yeah, but so far

all of her husbands have had money.

Except for you.

- Of course.

- Yeah.

Come on!

So what does true love

mean to you, Mother?

True love? Um...

Well, you know, if at first

you don't succeed, try, try again.

Which is what I keep saying

about those songs, Mom.

- PRISCILLA:
What songs?

- SAM:
Your new ones.

What do you know, anyway?

You... You sing along with Les Mis.

Mommy is a rock goddess.

Mom... Mommy is a rock goddess.

A couple of my novels

that were turned into films

sent me to bed with a bottle of Scotch.

(EVE CHUCKLES)

Well, that's where the films I'm usually

in these days always send me.

And why I'm in graceful retirement.

Yeah, but that is such a pity, Eve.

- You played some great roles.

- Has she... She has.

Harold has seen all my work.

You've seen all of Eve's films?

- Yeah.

- LAURENCE:
Seriously?

Uh... well, you know, nearly all.

And which performance

do you treasure the most?

Well, I'd have to say, um... it was

the first time I saw you on screen.

You were playing a waitress in a diner

who kept getting the orders wrong

and you nearly killed this poor guy

who had a nut allergy.

It was hilarious.

Available Man.

Laurence got me that part.

Yes, I also played the guy

with the nut allergy.

Though that wasn't

Eve's first leading role.

It was meant to be, anyways, supporting.

HAROLD:
Well, obviously, yes.

Um, in a leading role,

I would have to say, um... uh...

Bad Girls was very moving.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Look, it doesn't have to be perfect.

Can you get a prenup here by tomorrow?

Dance party. Here we go.

Taking us down the road. Let's do it.

(DANCE MUSIC)

Step, and down.

Step.

Step, step. Clap, clap.

ETHAN:
Work it, girl. Work it.

- Here we go. Here we go.

- Oh, come on. You can get this.

- Take off! These are our tarts!

- Get outta here.

OK, again.

Go. Get down.

LAURENCE:
Do you really think

he's seen all your films?

EVE:
Of course not. But I think

it's sweet that he pretends he has.

- And you never miss it?

- Oh, God, no.

We always did it for different reasons.

- We did?

- Yeah.

You did it, well, you still do it,

for the work,

for the challenge of the work,

for the absences the work affords.

I always thought of the family

as integral to my work

and you thought of it

as detrimental to your work.

LAURENCE:
Did I?

EVE:
Speaking about

mixing family and work,

Ethan has this movie

he wants me to act in with him.

Good part?

A mother in a wheelchair, apparently.

Mmm.

Do you think it could be changed

to a father in a wheelchair?

Possible Oscar bait.

"He walks away with it.

I'm supporting."

- "I'm supporting."

- "I'm supporting."

"We start out supporting

and we end up supporting."

Hi.

(IN SPANISH) Hello. Tomas,

ask her who the cute boy is.

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