The Wilde Wedding Page #4

---

My sister wants to know

who Harry Potter is.

Who?

That's Dylan.

He's your boyfriend?

- He's my cousin.

- Ah.

(IN SPANISH) What did she say?

(IN SPANISH) His name's Dylan.

He's not her boyfriend. He's her cousin.

(IN SPANISH) Oh, good. I'll go over.

Good?

Um, he's actually my first cousin...

He's my first cousin once removed.

- (IN SPANISH) I don't understand her.

- I think she likes Harry Potter.

But he's her cousin.

That's disgusting.

They'll have children with 15 fingers.

No, he's her second cousin,

so they'll probably have normal fingers.

But they're cousins. I'm going.

- (IN SPANISH) Hello.

- Hi.

- (IN SPANISH) How are you?

So how old are you?

DYLAN:
Oh, Girl At War.

OK.

Do you need some help?

Sure.

But first I have to confess something.

OK.

I had my first serious snog to

Up All Night In The Diner With Julie.

Snog. That's...

That's English for "make out," right?

Yes, but with lots and lots of tongue.

Alright, well, that was a...

that was a great choice to, uh, snog to.

- It was amazing.

- I'm glad to hear it.

So, being a bit of a fan,

can I ask you three questions?

Alright. Go for it.

Why did you stop writing?

Who said I stopped?

Right. OK.

- Why did you leave your band?

- Oh, it was never really my band.

It was our band.

But, you know, you got a lead singer

with a huge personality.

It was always gonna be her band

in the end. I mean, rightly so.

And is that why you left?

No, honestly, I, uh...

You know, that whole

rock 'n' roll lifestyle thing,

it just... wasn't that important.

Not fame or money?

No, it's not everything.

I mean, I figured that out pretty early.

OK, uh, I have two questions.

- Oh. Really?

- Yes, I do.

What is an Orange Prize?

- Oh, my God, you googled me.

- No, please.

No, Eve told me

one of Harold's daughters was a novelist

and it's obviously not Rose.

She said that an Orange Prize

had been won.

An Orange Prize is an award

they give to first-time female authors,

and I didn't win, I was shortlisted.

Congratulations.

- Was it autobiographical?

- Why do you ask that?

Oh, come on.

It's about an older sister who's kind of

attractive in a bookish kind of way

who lives with her hipster,

skirt-chasing dad

and wild-child younger sister

and they all live on red wine and pizza?

- You read it.

- Sure.

Gotta check up on my new stepfamily.

Some of it was me, yeah,

but most of it wasn't.

- I can't actually cook a chicken Kiev.

- Not a problem.

- But I do like books.

- Obviously.

Do you know,

I would prefer if you referred to me

as kind of sexy in a librarian way

rather than bookish.

- You would prefer that?

- Yes.

Well, you need glasses

for sexy librarian.

Soul patch.

EVE:
"Such duty

as the subject owes the prince,

Even such a woman

oweth to her husband.

And if she is froward,

peevish, sullen, sour,

and not obedient to his honest will,

What is she

but a foul contending rebel

And graceless traitor

to her loving lord?"

I'm not just a f***in' movie star.

PRISCILLA:
It's Priscilla for Guy.

No, I don't wanna hold.

I don't wanna hold. I don't wanna hold.

Yeah. I wanna write a book.

About me.

You've never seen any of my films?

I don't think so.

Do you go to the theater?

- What?

- Not if we can help it.

Wait, hang on.

Were you in the last SpongeBob film?

I was indeed.

- Oh, my God. I love SpongeBob.

- Oh, yeah?

You used to be quite good-looking.

You've put on some weight, though.

- Come on, Saffie. Let's get a drinkie.

- Actually, I've lost weight.

- What'd I miss?

- My whole career, apparently.

- That's it. I'm moving out.

- What?

You're killing me with the second-hand

smoke and you don't even care.

I do care. But you're not dead yet.

Go over there and have the fresh air.

Go on.

Fifty bucks says Dad

brings up his Tony at dinner.

No way.

Fifty it's before the main course.

A hundred it's before the salad

and he got it for Pirandello's Henry IV.

- That's bold.

- Watch and learn.

- I'll take dessert.

- Alright, man.

So wait, wait, wait.

You guys met in a jailhouse for women?

It's actually a really good way

to meet people.

Here we go, here we go.

I, for one, would like to commend Eve

on her optimism and her perseverance

and, of course, her courage...

HAROLD:
Ha-ha!

...in taking this plunge yet again.

- ETHAN:
Brave girl.

- LAURENCE:
I must say, I was surprised.

In fact, I would have wagered

my Tony Award for my performance

- in Pirandello's Henry IV...

- ETHAN:
Bastard.

...against the idea that you would ever

tread down this path again, my darling.

But having met Harold, I think I get it.

To Eve and Harold.

ALL:
To Eve and Harold.

- Harold.

- Here you go.

PRISCILLA:
So, lovebirds, hey.

I... I know it's customary

to give the gifts after the wedding,

but I really wanna give you my gift now.

- Right now.

- EVE:
Sure.

- HAROLD:
Love it.

- JIMMY:
Cheers.

Hey, little sister,

what have you done?

Hey, little sister,

who's the only one?

Hey, little sister,

who's your superman?

Little sister, who's the one you want?

Little sister, shotgun

It's a nice day for a Wilde wedding

(VOCALIZES)

Hey, little sister,

who's it you're with?

Hey, little sister,

what's your vice or wish?

Hey, little sister, shotgun, oh, yeah

Little sister, who's your superman?

Little sister, shotgun

It's a nice day to start again

- It's a nice day for a Wilde wedding

- Wow.

It's a nice day to start again

(VOCALIZES)

That's your daughter.

What have you done?

Hey, little sister,

who's the only one?

I've been away for so long

I let you go f or so, so long, now

Hey, little sister, shotgun

- It's a nice day to start again

- Care to dance?

Oh, it's a nice day

for a Wilde wedding

- F*** off.

- It's a nice day to start again

Hello. This is James Darling.

I called yesterday trying to track down

the young lady who drove the Montauk

bus that did not arrive at 11:45,

and you asked me

why I wanted to contact her,

and, well, the reason is when I saw her,

in her not-very-flattering

jitney uniform, by the way,

when I saw her, the little voice

in my head said, "This is the one."

Ah, f***!

- Easy, man. I'm not a horse.

- What happened?

- Gentle.

- Jimmy?

Jimmy?

Oh. I... I f***ing tripped over

the "Beware of Slope" sign.

(LAUGHTER)

- Oh, my God, that is too funny.

- Alright, Mom.

It's just a grade-one ankle sprain.

There's no sign

of anterior talofibular disruption.

Really, that's

your professional diagnosis?

LAURENCE:
It is indeed, James.

One of the great things

about acting on the stage

is that one gets to inhabit a role,

and you might be aware that I have

rather famously played a doctor.

Doctor Dolittle?

And your point is?

You bandaged the leg

of an animatronic giraffe,

singing "If I Could Talk

to the Animals"?

And I was complimented

on my technique by numerous physicians.

Bravo.

Actually, I would like

to compliment you, Laurence,

on your very gracious toast.

I meant every word I said.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes