The Wilde Wedding Page #5

---

You are amazingly courageous,

amazingly tenacious

and amazingly naive.

Said the old cynic.

Come on, Laurence,

what are you still holding out for?

I'm not holding out.

I like my birdcage empty, thank you.

Anyway, why would I want

a new wife and new family

when I already have the best ex-wife

and raised the most perfect family

any man could want?

Oh, my God, Dad, you have lived

in a hotel suite for the last 30 years.

With one f***ing bedroom.

When we wanted to see you,

we had to check in.

(CHUCKLES)

I think marriage

is challenging, formidable

and to be taken very seriously,

like a great heroic adventure.

Captain Scott heading o ff

into the Antarctic.

Does that make me the South Pole?

Where I would be very happy

to plant my flag.

(LAUGHS)

(GIGGLING)

- (VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS)

- Yeah!

(SAM LAUGHS)

SAM:
Look at this one.

See ya.

You did remember the birdcage.

How could I forget the best piece

of advice an ex-wife ever gave to a man?

"You can't lock me up."

Lock you up?

- Yes.

- Oh, God.

After all these years,

and you had no clue.

- It's not about you.

- It's not? But I hate that.

No, no, the birdcage

was so you could keep

the next Mrs. Darling from flying away.

Like the first one did.

Oh.

- It was?

- Yes.

No, wait, I thought it was because,

you know, you can fly in,

but then if you wanted to fly out, you

know, to meet up with other roosters...

Oh!

Hello, my lady. Where's Saffron?

Gone inside.

Homemade chocolates?

They're super delicious

and a lot of fun.

What sort of fun?

Let's just say

they're in the 'shroom family.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Wanna go for a moonlight ride?

Vroom, vroom!

- Mm-hm.

- Hm?

I'll go change.

Do you know what's great about us?

We've been through all the bad times.

One of the benefits

of being apart so long

is that somebody else

had to take the knockout punches.

And on that note,

think I'll have another drink. Anyone?

No, I won't.

I'm getting married in the morning.

I should think about going to bed.

The night is young.

(PLAYS PIANO INTRO)

PRISCILLA:
Eve and Laurence have

started in on the merits of marriage.

It's funny how they didn't have

that conversation 30 years ago.

PRISCILLA:
Isn't it?

(PLAYS PIANO INTRO)

(PRISCILLA PLAYS HIGHER NOTES)

- I think that's enough of that.

- Alright.

F***.

F***, f***.

(CHUCKLES)

EVE:
Have you ever thought

what might have happened

if you'd never gotten me that part?

Yeah, I might have been mentioned

in one of the reviews.

I meant what might

have happened with us.

I don't know.

Would it have been different? Probably.

Would it have been better?

I don't know. Better than this?

What if Harold feels

there's no room for an ex-husband?

There's always room.

Ah, but maybe no more room for this.

May I tempt you?

I have a wedding dress to fit into.

You're going to be

the most beautiful bride.

Hmm.

Psst. Hey.

You wanna bake a cake?

- OK.

- Fantastic. Let's go.

Come on.

ETHAN:
Whoo!

(ROSE SCREAMS)

- You feel anything?

- Yeah. I feel f***ing amazing!

Alright, I will chop the mint,

you pick the tune.

Music is important.

So what are we actually doing here,

Gordon Ramsay?

Are you familiar

with the chiffonade cut?

No. What is it?

( "CHAMBERMAID SWING" BY PAROV STELAR)

Nice. Austrian Swing.

Is that a lucky guess

or an excellent choice?

- No, it's not a lucky guess.

- Really?

Yeah, I spent two nights

in a soggy tent in Glastonbury

just so I could shake my bum

to these gentlemen.

It's having the same effect

on my ass too, right. Come here.

OK, the chiffonade cut,

you need a knife with a long, thin blade

and a handle

that you can hold like a sword.

Right.

You know, I read that list of things

that psychopaths are good at,

and cooking

is right up there at the top.

I'm almost afraid

to ask how good you are.

Guy who taught me's

got two Michelin stars. Let's go.

Oh, my God.

You're Hannibal bloody Lecter.

PRISCILLA:
Oh, hi.

Um...

I was just on my way up to bed.

OK.

Yeah. Um...

If you see Sam, will you send him up?

OK.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(LAUGHS)

- Good night.

- Good night.

- Good night.

- Night.

You know, I'm feeling

a little bushed myself.

I think it's the jet lag.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Sleep well.

This is the best wine I've ever had.

Normally it's an OK little winery,

but 2009 knocked it out of the park.

And it goes deliciously

with these chocolates.

Oh, thank you.

Mmm.

- You're making me dizzy.

- (LAUGHS)

(DISTANT HOWLING)

- (HOWLS)

- Shh! Shh!

- Be quiet.

- Shh!

- My dad...

- You be quiet. "My dad."

Harold!

( "HOOKED ON YOU" BY PAROV STELAR)

I suffocate

if I can't inhale your love, girl

So addicted to you

I get no rush without you

I suffocate

if I can't inhale your love, girl

So addicted to you

So addicted to you

So addicted to you

To you

I wasn't a very good husband.

Or father either, for that matter.

Just couldn't say no

to the work,

to the women,

to life's pleasures.

And marriage puts a stop

to all that, doesn't it?

It does tend to, yes.

"The cradle rocks above an abyss,

and common sense tells us

that our existence

is but a brief crack of light

between two eternities of darkness."

Vladimir Nabokov.

Our time in the light is nearly done.

I sometimes wonder if we should

really be saying no to anything

before we face the long night.

So I'm making a collection

of face masks.

(CHUCKLES)

What do you think?

You've done this professionally, right?

Well, I don't know.

Like, I've never actually

been paid for it,

so I don't think you could say

that I'm a professional.

But, um, I've done it, like, 50 times

and I've only lost two people.

- Lost?

- Yeah.

Wait a minute.

The breathing part is a bit tricky.

(CHUCKLES)

OK.

Stop. Stop.

You're ticklish.

Sorry, kid.

What are you made of, rocks?

Alright, I can do this.

OK. OK. OK.

Did you lose something?

Yeah, yeah, actually.

Um... Uh...

The engagement ring

that you never gave back.

Oh.

- Well, it's not down there.

- Really?

No. Wanna check the other side?

OK, OK, wait, wait, wait.

Mackenzie can

never, ever, ever know about this.

- Oh, God. Or Sam.

- Of course, of course.

And Eve.

- Don't tell your mother, right?

- Oh, God, no. God, no. No, not...

And you know, Laurence,

you know I love your father, I do.

No. God, he's the most f***ing

indiscreet person I know.

- OK.

- Ooh!

Oh, God. Oh, God.

OK, I'm here. Here we go.

Just carry on.

(OPERA)

(LAUGHS)

LAURENCE:
What?

I don't know who's worse;

you for putting this on,

or you for watching this.

It's hardly a comedy.

(JIMMY LAUGHS)

(GLASS SMASHES)

- My love.

- Yes?

- My love.

- Harold, are you drunk?

I just had the most smashing

bottle of wine

with your smashing ex-husband,

who I think is smashing, by the way.

Ah. Well, I'm glad that's going so well.

It is, but what's not going well,

my dearest, is us.

- Oh, yes?

- Yeah. I'm... I'm pining for you.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes