The Wilde Wedding Page #6

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How can you leave me

to languish on this moonlit night

alone in my bed and you alone in yours?

Alright, Mr. Shakespeare, off you go.

It's bad luck to sleep together

the night before.

- But I...

- I'll bend the rules so far.

That's... That's your lot.

(HOUSE MUSIC)

I feel a lot of love about the things...

Love is in the air.

JIMMY:
In the air

In the air, love

In the air

LAURENCE:
The last one's up.

Laurence, my sofa!

It's just a teensy, weensy

bit of spillage.

I'm gonna get another bottle.

PRISCILLA:
On the scale of bad ideas,

where do you think this... this one is?

Uh, I would say

it's, uh, somewhere between

when I kissed George Michael

thinking it was you...

(LAUGHS)

...and you remember that time

I surprised you on tour?

- Oh, yeah, that was bad.

- That was terrible.

- Listen, I...

- Yeah, I...

- SAM:
Mom!

- F***.

Hey, will you turn the light out?

Why?

- Mom!

- OK, I'm... I'm gonna borrow this. OK?

RORY:
Huh?

- SAM:
What are you doing?

- PRISCILLA:
Just borrowing a book.

- Why are you up?

- SAM:
I had a nightmare.

You were singing one of your new songs.

PINK:
Yeah, it's pretty sick

having your own blog.

Like, you can just post

whatever you want.

My mom or whoever can't come on

and be, like, "You can't post that."

(PHONE BEEPS)

Oh, my God.

I do not f***in' believe that.

- That is my phone.

- Who's "the boss"?

- That's my phone. Give that to me.

- It's the size of a f***ing log.

Saffie, that spanking

could do some serious damage.

Get the f*** off of me!

And don't you dare call me Saffie,

you nosy b*tch.

What?

- You see it? That star over there?

- What is that? Is that the Bear?

I don't know. Is it? I'm asking you.

PINK:
Now who's the boss, Saffie? Slut!

(WOMAN GASPS)

(HAROLD GRUNTS)

(SPEAKS PORTUGUESE)

(SPEAKS PORTUGUESE)

God!

HAROLD:
Yes!

F***. F***. Yes!

(YELLING CONTINUES)

(YELLING CONTINUES IN THE DISTANCE)

F***.

F***.

(SNORING)

F***. F***!

(YELLS) F***!

(YELLS)

(GROANS)

(HORN BEEPS)

(SCRUBBING)

Oh, my God.

The sofa looks like

Gorbachev's forehead.

Oh, God.

(PHONE BEEPS)

(SPEAKS PORTUGUESE)

(SIGHS)

I'm not gonna marry Harold.

What? Why?

EVE:
I've been up all night,

pacing around.

What was I thinking,

getting married again?

I have my family,

the people that mean the most to me.

And you know what I realized?

There is only so much room

in the old attic.

OK, sorry. You... You lost me.

New people. All that baggage

has to go somewhere.

To make room,

I'd have to start rearranging

everything that's already up here.

New or different

doesn't necessarily mean better.

What am I gonna do?

Well, we've been here before,

having similar conversations,

normally after the marriage

has taken place.

So, in a way, I suppose we could say

we're making progress.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Come in.

It's disgusting. It's disgusting!

It's despicable!

- It's embarrassing!

- What? What?

How many other of my friends

have you shagged?

Tell me, Dad. How many are there?

Just tell me.

- What do you take me for?

- What do you mean? A f***ing pervert.

- Where is that stupid f***ing b*tch?

- Rose. Rose. Darling!

ROSE:
Where are you?

You f***ing slut!

I'm gonna knock your head off!

F***ing my dad?

What the f*** is wrong with you?

- (BANGS ON DOOR)

- (SPEAKS PORTUGUESE)

SAM:
Wow. This got more hits

than the piano-playing kitty.

PINK:
What do we have here?

Looks like Harold,

no, "the boss," and Saf f ie.

If I ever see her again,

I'm gonna kill her.

Oh, my God.

Although it is lucky that she happened

to be outside with her phone.

ROSE:
Pink's a blogger, Dad.

Course she had her phone.

PINK:
Oh, my God. I can't believe

I'm getting this on camera right now.

Oh, yeah."The boss" is Harold.

Nice. That's awesome, Sam.

Good job, Sammy.

(SIGHS)

You knew, didn't you?

I wanted to come to see you,

but I was wondering if maybe by now,

you had developed

a spirit of wry realism

with regards to "happily ever after."

Wry realism?

Yes, well, maybe you were finally ready

to live with bumpily ever after.

Bumpily ever after?

- You think I'm making a mistake?

- With Harold? No.

Harold's fine.

I personally have nothing against him.

But you deserve way, way better.

You deserve to be loved

because you've always been there

to give love.

You deserve to be honored

because you carried this family

single-handedly on your shoulders.

And now it's your turn to take a ride.

My love, you spent the entire night

pacing back and forth in your jammies

and you still look so damn cute,

and that deserves to be cherished.

And maybe it was no... accident

that Harold messed up last night.

Oh, Dad.

You've embarrassed us.

What you did,

it was just creepy in so many ways.

- You watched her grow up.

- I know.

She was Rose's best friend,

for God's sake.

I know. I never meant... It was...

I want... I just...

I packed up all my books.

I really wanted this to work.

(SIGHS) Such a... idiot.

Yeah, you are.

I thought it was romantic.

I thought you'd finally found someone

to spend the rest of your life with.

That you weren't gonna be alone.

I wasn't gonna have to worry about you

living on cold pizza anymore.

Oh, darling,

that was not our relationship.

I thought you'd changed.

I'm so, so sorry.

- Come on...

- What am I gonna do?

Well, first of all, I'm not the one

you should be apologizing to.

And then we'll all go back to London

and to the shame of you

having been caught having sex

with a woman

nearly 40 years your junior.

And then you'll have to move to Italy

where they don't have a problem

with that sort of thing.

( "WHAT IS THIS THING CALLED LOVE?"

BY LEO REISMAN)

What is this thing called love?

This funny thing called love

Just who can solve its mystery?

Why should it make a f ool o f me?

I saw you there one wonder f ul day

You took my heart and threw it away

That's why I ask the Lord

In heaven above

What is this thing called love?

(DOOR OPENS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

I gather you've heard.

- I've gone and ballsed this up.

- My cue to exit.

HAROLD:
No.

You may as well stay.

Eve, I really wanted to be that man.

The best man, you know, for you.

You were so utterly f***ing fabulous

and gorgeous and smart and charming,

and I thought I could change.

But it's just not me.

I'm so sorry that I have caused you

this humiliation.

I just wish I could have it all

directed at me.

Harold.

You might want to think

about growing up.

Chasing 25-year-olds at your age,

it looks very sad.

I look like a swine.

Way more sad than that.

I am so f***ed.

LAURENCE:
Harold, before you start

flagellating yourself like a monk,

may I say something?

Eve is a fabulous woman,

she's a major catch,

and I'd say that sadly, from experience,

you're the one who lost out here.

And if it makes you feel any better,

the reason I'm here in her bedroom

is because she wanted to tell me

that she wasn't going through

with the marriage,

and this was before

you broke the internet

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