The Witches Page #3

Two sixes mean abundance.

So, it look like a big test might be coming.

[marching with synchronized steps]

Well, hello there.

The Grand Orleans Imperial Island Hotel welcomes you and your lovely group of benefactresses.

Uh, I would just like to say that we applaud your innumerable, uh, philanthropic… acts and, um…

[cat purring]

And, um… I’m sorry, madam, but the hotel has a very strict no-pet policy.

[with Eastern European accent]

You seem like the sort of man

Who loves a precious.

Don’t you, Mister…

Stringer. R. J. Stringer III.

Hotel Manager.

Thank you for making an exception,

Mr. R. J. The Hotel Manager.

Stringer.

Yes, but I haven’t yet…

But I didn’t agree…

So, tell me something, Mister…

Stringy?

Stringer.

Hotel man.

Manager.

The third.

Yeah.

I know you love kitties.

[cat hisses]

[chuckles uneasily]

But what do you think of… mice?

Mice?

Yeah. Mice.

What would you do if there were mice running all around in this hotel?

Well, I can assure you, madam, there would never be any mice…

[shushes] But if there were?

Hypothetically?

Mmm. Oh, hypothetically.

Yes, I suppose, well, I would, uh… I would call the exterminator.

Exactly!

You see, girls?

He would call the exterminator!

Just like any normal human with his head screwed on right, he would exterminate those brats.

Uh… Rats.

We would exterminate the rats.

[Grandma] Evil.

[thunder crashing]

There’s no other way to describe them.

Pure, unvarnished evil.

That’s what witches are.

[thunder cracking]

[Grandma coughing]

[hoarsely] Now, you see this here cough of mine?

It was likely brought on by a witch.

Probably that one you saw in the grocery store.

Really? A witch can make you cough?

Oh, you bet your sweet patootie they can.

Grandma, how can you tell a real witch from a normal lady?

Well, first of all, witches aren’t really women at all.

They’re demons in human shape.

That’s why if you look closely at a witch, you’ll notice the corners of her mouth is elongated, stretching almost up to her ears, and that’s usually hidden with pancake makeup.

And a real witch always wears gloves. Always.

Because a real witch doesn’t have hands.

She’s got claws.

[Hero] Claws?

[thunder cracking]

And they don’t have toes. Ooh.

Their ugly feet look like their toes got chopped off with an axe.

And all witches are bald.

As bald as a boiled egg.

So, they wear wigs.

And it gives them nasty sores.

“Wig rash,” the witches call it.

Mmm! And it makes them crazy.

So, gloves, wigs.

Is that everything?

Nose-holes.

Nose-holes?

Yeah. Nostrils.

Nose-holes.

Witches have larger nose-holes than normal people.

When they need to sniff out a child, those nose-holes can grow out as big as eight inches in diameter.

[thunder cracks]

But, mind you, children smell horrible to witches.

[Hero] Even if the kid just had a bath?

[chuckles]

That makes it worse.

A freshly clean kid smells like dog poop to a witch.

Dog poop?

That’s right.

And the cleaner the kid, the poopier he smells to a witch.

Maybe I should stop taking baths.

Child, don’t test me.

Can a witch come in here and get us while we sleep?

No.

Not at all.

Witches never do silly things like climbing drainpipes or breaking into people’s houses.

Besides, they have no idea where we are.

Okay, but I’m still a little scared.

Over here, come on, little man.

There we go.

Get some sleep.

[thunder rumbling]

[hisses]

[cat purring]

Hmm?

Really?

[wincing]

Mmm.

[thunder cracking]

[chuckles]

[people chattering in distance]

[older Hero] The next morning, the sun was shining and the air was crisp – and clear.

I kept quiet as a mouse so Grandma could sleep in, and I took it upon myself to order her some room service breakfast.

[Grandma] Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Here’s your breakfast, Grandma.

Scrambled eggs, chicken fried steak, hominy grits, pecan sticky buns, rhubarb strawberry jam, and a pitcher of sweet iced tea with mint.

Oh, that sure smells special.

Oh, mercy, I slept in late.

Phew.

Well, thank you for ordering me breakfast, darling.

I gave the room service guy a half a dollar tip.

Was that okay?

That’s mighty gentlemanly of you.

[coughs]

Grandma, are you okay?

I’m fine.

Just a little tickle.

Grab Grandma that glass of tea. [coughs]

And listen, Grandma’s gonna take it easy today.

But I want you to get outside – and run around.

Go down to the water.

Have fun.

I was thinking I would do some training with Daisy.

Oh! Well, take her with.

Just don’t let her get too close to the water.

I wouldn’t want some big old sea snake to grab ahold of her.

Sea snake?

I’m just joshing.

There ain’t no sea snakes.

You go on now. Have fun.

And don’t worry about me.

I’m fine.

[older Hero] Even though I knew Grandma was kidding about the sea snakes,

I didn’t wanna take any chances, so we stayed inside.

And wouldn’t you know, we came upon the big ballroom where it turns out the International Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children folks were gonna have their conference.

[door creaking]

Hey!

You there!

And what are you doing?

Breaking and entering?

Looking for a quiet spot.

For what?

Training.

Training what?

Cool. Super.

What’s his name?

It’s a she.

And her name is Daisy.

Can I hold her?

[Daisy squeaking]

She’s not too comfortable around strangers.

Can she do any tricks or anything?

We were just about to do some training.

Wanna watch?

What time is it?

A nice lady told me

to meet her here at 12:25.

She said she would give me six bars of Swiss chocolate.

What’s your name?

I’m… Bruno Jenkins!

I’ve been looking for you everywhere, young man.

Your father is furious.

Hello, Mother.

This is my new friend.

Nice to meet you.

Look at your hands, they’re filthy!

Look at your shirt!

It’s a complete mess!

Come with me.

Ow!

What have you been doing?

Running around in a sausage factory?

[door creaking]

[older Hero] The room was completely empty.

A perfect place for me and Daisy to do our training.

And I figured, if all the Prevention of Cruelty to Children people showed up, they would probably look kindly on a young mouse trainer who was just going about his business.

[clangs]

Jeez, that scared the crap out of me.

[switches clicking]

So, here we are.

Here is the Le Grand Imperial Ballroom or Le Salon Grande, as we call it.

Well, actually we call it the Mural Room because of all these beautiful murals…

I was told there is only one door in and out, yeah?

Yeah. Yes.

There’s, uh, only that door there, in and out, and which, of course, does not make the fire marshal very happy.

So, don’t you go starting any fires.

This room will do.

[Mr. Stringer] Right, so… [marching with synchronized steps]

Yeah, so, if there’s any…

Is there anything else that you ladies…

No.

No?

Bye-bye.

Oh, all right.

[sniffing]

[woman] Saoirse, secure the room!

Okay, you so-called ladies.

Prepare for removal.

[whispers] Wake up.

[snake hissing]

[hissing]

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