The Witches Page #4

[sniffing]

[grunts]

Okay, you trussed-up succubines, you may remove your gloves.

[dramatically]

You may remove your shoes.

And… you may remove your wigs!

[sighing in relief]

[whispers]

They’re all witches.

[older Hero] My blood ran cold as I started to get real scared.

Here I was, trapped in a room with a bunch of bald-headed witches!

And the mean one, the bald-head honcho who was standing right above me, the one who was giving all the orders, as soon as I got a good look at her, I knew instantly who she had to be.

[crunches]

She’s the Grand High Witch.

[thuds]

[snarls]

[croakily] Witches.

Witches.

You are a heap of good-for-nothing worms!

[in normal voice]

This morning, I’m having my breakfast and I’m looking out the window, at the beach, and what am I seeing? Hmm?

[croakily] What am I seeing?

[in normal voice]

I’m seeing dozens… I’m seeing hundreds… I’m seeing hundreds of repulsive little brats playing in the sand, and it’s putting me right off my food!

So…

Here are my orders.

I want every child in the world… rubbed out!

Squashed, squirted, and frittered!

Your Excellency, do you have a plan?

How can we possibly wipe out every child?

[witch yelps]

[witches gasp]

That was actually a good question.

Insubordinate but a good question.

Of course I have a plan.

I want each of you to return to your pathetic little town.

And open… [inhales sharply] a candy store.

And in this store you will sell only the highest quality, tastiest candy.

Now, you’re probably wondering,

“Where do I get the money to buy a candy shop?”

Well, I have thought of that too.

In my room, room number 666, I have a steamer trunk filled with brand-new, crisp $100 bills!

Room 666.

[Grand High Witch]

Remember that room number 666 and your shops will sell only the highest quality, tastiest candy.

And…

We use Formula Number 86 Delayed Action Mouse Maker!

[witches] Ooh!

One drop of Mouse Maker in a piece of candy will transform a dirty little child into a mouse in one hour!

[witches] Ah!

Two drops will transform the disgusting little brat in 30 minutes.

And three drops is instantaneous.

An instant mouse!

[rattling]

[giggling] Oh.

Oh, no, no, no.

[rattling continues]

[shushing]

Shut up.

So, less than an hour ago, I found a repulsive smelly little boy in the lobby and I gave him an outrageously expensive bar of Swiss chocolate.

A chocolate bar that was laced with one drop of my Number 86…

Oh, no.

[Grand High Witch] …Delayed

Action Mouse Maker potion!

Bruno.

And I told the greedy little brat to meet me here at 12:25.

So, in less than 10 minutes, all you pathetic witches will see what a true genius I am!

[witches chanting]

Genius! Genius! Genius!

[cackling]

[witches continue chanting]

Quiet!

[chanting stops]

[sniffing]

[continues sniffing]

[growls]

[witches gasping]

[snake hissing]

[knocking at door]

[Bruno] Where’s my chocolate?

It’s the greedy little cretin.

Quick! Put on your wigs!

[Bruno] Hey, are you in there?

Welcome, you… fine, handsome man. [sniffs]

We’ve been waiting.

[Grand High Witch] Darling boy.

I have your chocolate for you.

[Grand High Witch whistles]

You promised me six bars of chocolate.

I only see one in your hand.

Hmm… You see, ladies, not only is he fat and stupid but greedy too. [chuckles]

[witches snicker]

Mmm.

[witches gasp in awe]

[Grand High Witch]

That’s right, little man.

Here is your delicious chocolate.

Come and get it.

Come and get it.

Get ready, girls.

Ten seconds.

Give me my chocolate.

Give it to me.

[Grand High Witch]

It’s right here, my darling.

[whispering]

Daisy, what do we do?

[Bruno] Give me.

Give me.

[Grand High Witch]

Five seconds.

[Bruno] Give me my chocolate.

Give it to me.

Three…

Give me it. Give me. Give me!

[Grand High Witch] Two… One…

[clock clangs]

[bones cracking]

Ignition!

[cackling]

[Saoirse laughing]

[smoke hissing]

[gasps]

That smelly brat, that horrid louse has been transformed… She’s done it.

She’s a genius.

[Grand High Witch]

into a lovely little mouse!

[laughs]

What’s the big idea?

Where’s my chocolate?

Squish him!

Whoa!

[witches clamoring]

Squish him! Kill him!

[Bruno panting]

He’s right there.

[Hero] They turned Bruno into a mouse and now they’re trying to squish him.

I’ll fetch him.

Did you just talk?

It’s a swarm!

They’re everywhere!

[Grand High Witch] Get him.

Where is he? Where is he?

[Bruno yelping]

Gosh! You’re a giant.

Why are you so big?

I’m not big.

You’re little. I’m normal.

How can I be little?

Because you’re a mouse.

A witch put a spell on you.

Witch? What witch?

Ah-ha! I knew it!

Dog dropping!

[Hero] Help!

[Grand High Witch] Grab him.

[Hero] Help! Help me!

Hold him down.

Flip him. Gag position.

Help! Help!

Open his trap.

Open it.

[croakily] Okay.

That’s how you wanna play, we’ll play the Shakespeare way.

[grunts]

One drop… [smoke hissing]

[muffled groaning]

[Grand High Witch] Two…

[breathes heavily]

Blast off.

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

[screaming]

[smoke hissing]

[gasps]

[panting weakly]

Aren’t you a cute little mouse?

[growling]

[screams]

[Bruno gasps]

Who has the mallet?

Here! Here!

Get the mallet.

[witch] Where’s the mallet?

I’m not afraid of nothing.

[Grand High Witch] I have him.

Where’s the mallet?

Come on. Give it to me.

Give it to me.

[crunches]

[screams]

[screaming]

[Hero] Run, Bruno, run!

So, you’re a mouse too?

Now I’ve got you.

[yelps]

[yelping]

Four legs, Bruno.

Four legs.

[panting]

Rats! A dead end!

[gasps] Run, Bruno, run!

No!

[screaming]

[screams]

[sobbing]

[all grunting]

Ow, my back.

What happened to us?

Why are we mouses?

[Daisy and Hero] “Mice.”

Whatever.

There’s a convention of witches here in the hotel,

And they have an evil potion.

They put it in your chocolate.

My chocolate? Crikey!

They always spike the chocolate.

It’s standard evil witch procedure.

Wait. You were a kid too?

A girl.

Do I look like a baby goat to you?

[bleating]

Nope, a mouse.

What are we going to do?

I don’t want to be a mouse.

I like being a portly little kid.

“Child.”

Whatever.

All right, we have to find my grandma.

She knows everything about witches.

She’ll know what to do.

Come on.

Two crab salads.

What are you doing?

Wow, look at all that lovely food.

Okay, here’s what we do.

You see that vent?

I bet that’ll get us to the lobby. Let’s go.

[chef] Pick that up.

That’s white truffle.

You have any idea how much white truffle costs?

Wipe it off and put it in the sauce.

What is this?

You call that puffed?

Let’s get some more hands in here.

[elevator bell dings]

[Daisy whispering]

So, now what?

Look, all we need to do is make our way to the elevator,

Then up to the fourth floor.

Come on.

[grunts]

Hey, a little help.

[all grunt]

Crikey.

Hurry up.

This way.

I just realized something, y’all.

How exactly do we reach the button for the fourth floor?

Floor?

Four, please.

Come on.

There’s my room, 766.

This way.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes