The Wizard of Gore

My name is Ed Bigelow.

And what you are watching

is the end of my life as I knew it.

For as long as I can remember,

the underground paper I published,

The Cacophony Gazette,

was the most important thing in my life.

Actually, scratch that.

It was the second.

The first was the world

I'd made for myself.

You've seen a bit of it.

The vintage suits, for example.

They're bloody now. Not so crisp.

They say all the world's a stage.

And sucker that I was, I bought the line.

I made myself the star.

I built the stage.

I cast the actors.

I did everything right.

Trust me. You'll see.

And you'll see how it all went to the devil.

And you'll wonder how

it all came to this point.

And how in the hell I got to this place.

What the f***, Ed?

Don't bring this sh*t here.

Hey. Hey.

Look, take your ass out into the street

and lie down, all right?

I'll call, okay? Look...

I'll tell 'em there's a guy in the street.

I'll tell 'em Broadway.

Make sure it's Broadway.

It's the best I can do, man.

Ed, you can't be in here like this.

Chong. I need Chong.

Ed?

What are you doing, Chinese Mickey?

- I'm tossin' him out.

- Nice.

It's okay. It's okay.

Why are you here, Ed?

Annie, I need to see Chong.

He wants to see Doc Chong?

Take him to Dr. Chong.

Nobody's supposed to know Chong's here.

Okay? Come on.

Move. Move!

Did you handle it?

Read all about it.

First things first.

Sit on the table, Scoop.

Mabel, sponge him down real good.

Finding places to thicken your blood.

Bang.

At least slow it down.

Just let the suckers do the rest.

Bang.

Leave us.

Wanna tell me what went down?

I'd rather just lie here.

Let your needles and

your guys do their work.

It's all in the Gazette.

We can hash this out later,

when you're feeling up to it.

We will.

We definitely will.

Happy Halloween, Ed.

Happy Halloween.

Baby, why do we even

bother coming to this thing every year?

What is wrong with you?

This one looks promising.

So what do you think?

I think I'm gonna give her a spin.

I'll take heads.

- Nice job. Here's your ticket.

- Thank you.

Ooh, it's a voucher for one

of those concession skags.

You want anything?

You think it's real?

Cute.

I dig their sound.

You gonna write them up?

Unless something horrific

ties this circus together.

I mean probably, maybe.

- Do you want to go upstairs?

- Just following you, baby.

Ed!

- Hi.

- Hey.

This is my girlfriend Maggie.

We met at church.

Rexina.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Come to my show.

I wouldn't miss it.

Good to see you.

How do you forget a name like Rexina?

All the dog-collared girls,

they start to run together.

- How'd you know?

- You introduced me first.

You're sharp.

Mud wrestling, that's new.

I like that one. She's got spunk.

Church?

Return to Neverland.

Nobody ever gets tired

of Michael Jackson jokes.

Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

You know what I do not love?

- Is the boredom of this place.

- True.

But you do love that everybody here

will do anything

to make sure you're not bored.

Now it just seems like people

are trying harder and harder

to make it seem like

they're having a good time,

when in reality everyone here is just...

All right.

- A magic show?

- Yeah, it's worth a shot.

The address is right by.

Wow.

And wow.

Looks like you got your next issue.

What's up with that homeless guy?

That's not the guy who met us out front.

Oh, shh, shh.

That's the one that gave us the card.

He's just a stringer.

He's got to be the opening act.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, no.

No, no. It's a rat.

It's a rat. It's a live rat.

Where do you think you're going?

Yes, you.

The slut in the back.

Sit down, b*tch.

You die tonight.

- That's Cayenne.

- Who?

So commands...

Montag the Magnificent.

Oh, I love you people.

You people feel nothing.

You have no empathy.

Well, tonight you are

going to feel something.

And right now, I am going to attempt

to feel something,

anything other than...

disgust and contempt

for you people,

you people who make my day.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Honey, it's just a trick.

Is it?

When a person goes through

a glass windshield of a car

and, months later,

their skin begins to open

to let the glass through in any way it can,

is that a trick, too?

Perhaps this...

bringing to the surface

of things,

of sharp things, is a trick.

It may be that the biggest illusion,

the only illusion,

is that of...

escape.

We haven't forgotten about you, b*tch.

It's time for you to become

an escape artist.

Just look at you.

Just look at her, folks.

In her armor,

her shell,

Just look at yourselves.

Ridiculous.

To hide is useless, my little crabs.

It is an exercise

in futility.

What you all are...

is pulp,

when the rind

is split wide open.

Strip off your dress.

A lot of people pay money

to see you take off your clothes.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe he's doing that.

But this...

this is just

more rind.

So, one of them eats bugs,

and the other one does shadow plays.

Way to set the world on fire, guys.

This is great stuff.

When we escape,

we escape fully.

Leaving nothing behind.

Not even...

a shadow.

- Oh, my God!

- Holy sh*t!

Did you feel something?

Anything?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

They ate it up.

They did indeed.

God, my feet are killing me.

You want a drink?

Uh, need a drink's more like it.

- You ate it up.

- Because it was brilliant, Maggie.

It was brilliant.

Everything about it was misdirection.

Even his patter about

escape was an illusion.

Control, that was the illusion.

And then the way

that he turned it back on itself

and made it seem like

everything was out of control.

Did you see his face

when he got caught in the act?

Literally, caught in the act.

Brilliant.

That's a real fancy rationalization

for some obvious misogyny

you got for yourself there.

And that woman...

oh, excuse me, the slut...

that he dragged onstage.

How'd you know who she was?

Cayenne strips

at Jumbo's Clown Room.

So you're on

a first-name basis with strippers?

Sometimes I feel like

I don't even know who you are.

Everyone knows Cayenne.

Mm. Everyone.

Yes, everyone does,

and that was actually

Montag's one mistake.

When he pulled her up on stage

and ripped her dress,

he said people pay

good money to see this.

He never would have known that

had he not met Cayenne before.

That was his only mistake.

Everything else...

Everything else was perfect.

It was choreographed like a dance.

Like a striptease?

You're just floored because you like to see

naked chicks, Ed, face it.

That's my girl, Cayenne.

Jumbo's.

Frank, it's Edmund Bigelow.

I know, it says so on the caller ID, stupid.

Look, is Cayenne in yet?

No.

Well, I need to see her

as soon as possible.

Look, you want a private arrangement

with Cayenne,

you don't call here, remember?

Because I don't know

what you're talking about.

Wait. You don't know

what I'm talking about?

You want Cayenne?

Look, make like a bunny

and bounce, you hear me, Ed?

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