The Woman in Red

---

How the hell did I get up here?

I still can't believe it.

Just four weeks ago,

I was a completely different person.

I had no adventure in my life.

I had a wife.

I had a family.

And I never looked twice

when a pretty girl walked by.

Never.

- Four, please.

- Me, too.

- Can I help you?

- Yes, I'm looking... What's that?

It's the air conditioner.

It'll come on in a second.

- Sorry.

- Excuse me.

I beg your pardon!

I'm losing my briefcase.

I don't know.

No, I've never tried it that way before.

No, I'm not worried.

It's just that I've never tried it

in that position before.

It's all new to me.

Well, I know you have to wet it

before you put it in.

You have to, or it could break off.

How far? I don't know how far.

All the way, I suppose.

I know you have to keep wiggling it

to get all the hairs off it.

All right!

Put that phone down.

I can't talk to you now. I'll call you back later.

Do you have to talk like that at work?

Can't you save that filthy stuff

until you get home?

That was my brother.

- Your brother?

- Yeah.

He and I are trying to set up

a photo-processing lab at my place.

That way I can take stuff home. For example...

All right!

- Where's the figures on the cable-car campaign?

- It's on the third floor...

Get them for me right away!

We've wasted enough time on this.

Yes, sir.

I spent two months on that.

- I want you to roll down the map and show me.

- All right.

Okay.

Hello?

Will you have dinner with me tonight?

What?

La Primavera, in North Beach.

Tonight.

I know who you are.

9:
00?

Why?

Just because.

I can't make it at...

...9:
00.

Say, 9:
10?

Yes.

Why are you speaking to me in German?

Why?

I mean, the modeling agency told me

that you were from Germany.

It's not me.

Well, I'd better check.

Where am I going?

How do I look?

The earrings are too much, aren't they?

Here, you keep 'em for me, honey.

I'll do it. You keep your eyes on the road.

They were killing me, anyway.

Didi, what was I gonna ask you?

I wanted to ask you something.

Would you like to go to the movies tonight?

Tonight's study group.

What do you mean?

What's today? Today's Wednesday?

I thought today was Thursday.

What's the matter with me?

I'd like to go anyway, if it's all right with you.

I can't put up with those crazies tonight.

It's all arranged.

You're taking the girls to the movies.

I promised them you would.

Anyway, you deserve a night out.

So, what do you say?

- What do you mean? Of course. Sure.

- You're wonderful.

Honey.

See you tonight.

Thanks for the lift.

You know, you're cute when you serve.

Go ahead, Teddy. What are you nervous about?

Serve the ball.

Now come on, calm down.

Let the man serve, Buddy.

You got nothing to worry about.

It's only set point. It's not like your life.

It's just your self-respect.

Give him that solid one. Give him the ace.

Teddy, come on!

What is it? Am I talking too much?

We'll calm down. We'll take it easy.

Teddy wants to serve.

Okay?

You can do it. Put it right in there.

What a serve!

Switch!

Okay, here we go now. You ready?

Get that racquet ready, I'm coming at you.

This baby is mine!

- You hit the net.

- Follow-through.

- You can't!

- On the follow-through!

- You still can't hit the net.

- I hit it on the follow-through.

I hit this ball first, then the net,

on the follow-through.

It's our point. It's 6-2. You're in the sh*t house.

- Anybody ever tell you you're cute?

- You're cute, too.

- How you doing?

- Okay.

What's the matter, he getting to you?

No.

- So, what's that matter?

- Nothing.

Hey!

Look at that!

Oh, my. That is serious Nautilus.

Miss!

Thank you.

Those are fine-looking racquets

you got there, girls.

What are they, Heads?

Joe, there's a phone call for you.

Do me a favor and take it for me, will you?

I met them on separate nights.

How could I know they're sisters?

- You're in a lot of trouble, Joe.

- No way.

I got a date with the little one at 7:00

and the older one at 9:15. Plenty of time.

What about Theresa?

What about Theresa?

Doesn't she notice anything

when you go with someone for a while?

Like you used to go with that girl before.

Doesn't she think anything's up?

Look.

Theresa's got the kids to worry about.

She's too busy to notice anything.

And they're great kids.

She's 38 years old,

she's a very happily married woman.

You see. She smiles all the time.

- Does she do it?

- Does she do what?

What do you mean, "Does she do what?"

- What do you mean, "Does she do what?"

- Does she does she do it, too?

- Do what, too?

- Does she have affairs, too?

Teddy, you're my friend, and I love you.

You're a sweet, sensitive guy...

...but you're very naive.

To think that my Theresa...

...would fool around?

- I just asked a question.

Do you believe this man asking

whether my Theresa would fool around?

I find it hard to imagine

your wife sleeping with you.

Teddy.

What am I laughing at?

Are you sure?

All right, I'll let him know. Thank you.

- Are you staying for lunch, Doctor?

- No. Joe!

What else did the neighbor say?

Nothing. She was coming over

to return a warming tray...

...and she ran into the bunch

coming down the steps.

Theresa, the kids, and all the furniture.

There was a big van waiting for them.

What a b*tch.

Come on, she was our friend, too.

Wonder if it was her furniture?

- Why do you have to talk about that?

- What should we do, cry?

I just want to know

if she had a right to take all the furniture.

Is it from Theresa?

Found a picture of me with another woman.

Naked?

In a night club.

This isn't happening.

This isn't f***ing happening!

It's not happening!

Son of a b*tch!

B*tches, f***ing whore!

Teddy, what could we do to cheer up Joe?

- Want to do the blind man with me tonight?

- I can't do that.

- You do the blind man with me?

- No, I get nervous.

Joe needs a good laugh.

We'll take him to the place

where they threw him out.

I get too nervous.

Came in with a cardigan.

They wanted him to put on one of their jackets.

- Okay, Michael? Come on.

- No, I get too nervous.

- Are you tied up with Mrs. Schumacher?

- I'm not tied up with her.

- His boss's wife.

- I don't believe it.

I'm telling you. You were away on vacation.

He's banging Dr. Schumacher's wife.

Son-of-a-gun!

Are you making it with Schumacher's wife?

- Only at night.

- If it's an emergency.

- "Only at night?"

- Ask him.

The time it takes me to drive there...

...is the exact same time it takes him

to scrub and put on his gloves.

If it's not a big job, it's not worth it to me.

If it's appendicitis, I don't go.

But, if it's peritonitis or a gall bladder...

"Hello, honey, good news.

It's a quadruple bypass!"

So, you say like this:

"Is Mr. Pierce there, please?" Very timid.

- "Is Mr. Pierce there, please?"

- That's it, just like that.

Then I'll get on the phone and say, "Hello?"

Then I'm going to wait a few seconds,

like I'm listening to you, and then I'll say:

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