The Woman in Red Page #2

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"What?

"You want me to come out right now?

"Are you sure that you can't handle this

by yourself, Richard?"

- Who's Richard?

- Richard's my assistant.

He works here at the office with me.

Clear?

Is it a woman?

Is it a woman?

No. It's...

"Is it a woman?"

What goes on in your head?

No, it's just...

...we're planning...

Well, it's too complicated.

But don't tell Didi...

...because it's a wonderful surprise.

- You want me to call you at 8:15?

- 8:
15.

It has to be at 8:15 sharp.

- Hi, Daddy.

- Hello, sweetie pie.

Did Mom tell you about tonight?

- No. Missy, I'm sorry...

- I'm sorry, Daddy, but...

...Shelly didn't get the tickets until 4:00.

I know you really wanted to go to the movie...

...but it's a once-in-a-lifetime chance,

and his uncle had some pull.

- What tickets are you talking about?

- David Bowie.

You mean, you can't go to the movie?

I'm sorry, Daddy. I feel so bad.

No. Don't be silly.

Are you really disappointed?

Well...

No, I mean, I wanted to go, sure, but...

So these things happen.

I understand that.

- You remember Shelly, don't you?

- Of course.

How are you?

How are you?

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

You're a Jewish boy, aren't you?

My mother and father are Jewish.

I see.

- You're taking my little girl to see David Boowie?

- Bowie.

Bowie.

You take care...

...of my girl.

You take care of my girl.

Now, of course,

I'm sure you've heard about the alphabet diet.

Now, that takes 26 weeks.

The first week,

you're allowed anything that begins with an "A."

And, then onto the second week,

you're allowed anything that begins with a "B."

There's only one problem.

You have to watch yourself carefully

because by the time you get to "P"...

...you might put on all the weight

you lost on "K."

Excuse me.

And then, when you get to "X,"

it's very difficult...

...because you start making up

your own spelling, like "X-Benedict"...

..."X-tra helpings."

So, I would not recommend that diet.

You go through my pockets now?

No.

Not yet. I owe Marty $10.

I think he likes you.

You think everyone likes me.

- They do.

- Oh, well.

Can I get you anything

before I start my study group?

Oh, God.

What honey? What's the matter?

Nothing. It's not even worth talking about.

What?

I was leaving my office and the boss comes in

with this pile of stuff and two assistants...

...says, "Clean this up for tomorrow morning."

"Clean this up." Now I'm a cleaning man.

- Will it take long?

- Take long? No, not if I work all night.

I'm just so tired, that's all.

I just don't know if I can stay awake.

I'm so tired.

Baby. Here.

I gave half to Richard, but...

...he panics, he gets so nervous.

I don't know if he can handle it.

Baby. Can I fix you a drink?

You know...

...I really think they're taking advantage of me.

- Want Campari and soda?

- Yeah, that would be nice.

Thanks.

You just...

You gotta draw a line and say, "No more.

"You can't go past this line."

Who's staying for dinner?

Honey, why are you shaving?

Why am I shaving?

What the hell is the matter with me?

Did you want this tie out?

No.

What do I want another tie for?

Honey, you're overtired.

I think that you should take a little nap

before you eat.

Come here and sit close to me.

What's this?

What do you mean? This is Joe's little boy.

I know it's Joe's little boy,

but what's he doing here?

S-M-l-L-E.

Where is his...

...M-O-M-M-Y?

She didn't tell me. It's just for one night.

- She didn't tell you?

- No, she didn't.

Don't frighten him.

What a cute little pee-pee.

You leave his little pee-pee alone.

His Daddy's little pee-pee started all this.

One, two, three. Hit it.

- Hello, gentlemen. How are we tonight?

- Fine, how you feeling, Andy?

How am I feeling? What do you mean?

Why shouldn't I be feeling fine?

No, this nice man

just wanted to know how you were.

I'm fabulous!

I've never felt better in my life!

Well, great.

What'll you have?

- What'll you have?

- Southern Comfort with ice.

Make that two.

Okay. You bet.

I'll be right back. I gotta lock my car.

There you are.

Cigarette?

- What was that?

- Nothing, sir. Just setting up your drinks.

- What was that?

- Nothing.

Jake!

- He said he'd be back in just...

- Jake!

He said he'd be back in a minute, Andy.

- How did you know any name?

- Well, your friend called you...

Jake!

Where are you?

What is this?

What are you doing?

What are you doing with me?

What is this?

What the hell is this thing?

What kind of a place is this?

Hey!

- I'm right here, Andy.

- Jake!

I'm right here.

Don't ever leave me again, Jake.

I'm sorry, he can't, he's...

Sorry.

At the tone,

the time will be 8:09 and 50 seconds.

All right, time to go back to bed.

You don't want your mommy

to be angry with me, do you?

Come here.

I want my mommy.

When you wake up,

your mommy will be here to pick you up.

Night-night.

Is she on a date?

I don't know.

She asked me to keep him for one night.

Well, what about the other kids?

I don't know.

Well, what am I supposed to say to Joe?

Nothing!

Don't you tell that son of a b*tch anything!

Come on now. He's our friend.

He's a rat.

I would have left him long before she did.

What is that supposed to mean?

If anything like that ever happened to us...

...I don't know what I would do.

- We better just drop the subject.

- No. Now, wait a minute.

Now we're talking nicely and calmly.

Let's hear what you have to say on the subject.

Teddy...

I know you think you know everything about me,

but you don't.

I'm really a very jealous woman.

I know you think, emotionally, I'm like this, but...

...you know, I really...

...am a little...

...crazy.

But just in some ways.

- Why are you telling me all this?

- You asked me.

I know I asked you,

but you make it sound as if we're not a happily...

What?

What have you got there?

It's a gun.

I know it's a gun,

but when did you ever get a gun?

Well, Mama gave it to me after they moved.

You realize you might have shot me?

I would never do that.

I mean, not without a reason.

You're not like Joe.

Do you know what he did to Theresa,

right in front of me?

He had his secretary call at 10:00 at night...

...and say he had work to do at the office.

- He did that?

- Yes.

You mean, that old trick still works?

Not anymore.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Yes, just a minute. It's Richard.

Hello.

Yes, Richard. How are you?

Yes.

You what?

Is this a joke?

You want me to do what?

Are you crazy?

They said...

They said I should do...

I should do what?

They want me to come out at 10:00 at night...

...and leave my wife and children?

I don't care!

8:
15, 10:00, what difference does it make?

I'm not a wind-up toy.

You tell my superiors at the office,

who can give me raises and promotions...

...that if they don't like my answer,

they can go take it and shove it up their ass.

That's the best joke I've heard all year.

Hey!

Now what's going on?

Hey, fellas, come on now.

Let's just shake hands, we'll go home.

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