The Wrong Box Page #4

Good night, cousin.

You won't always wear that coat, will you?

It's very frightening.

It could easily have been

the Bournemouth Strangler instead of you.

I might have been stalked by him and, in fleeing,

been trampled by a runaway horse.

Perhaps a large hole in my head, my brains

spilling out all over Shaftesbury Avenue.

Oh, wouldn't that have been

a homecoming for you,

going to the mortuary to identify my poor,

crushed body?

Body? What body?

No body, Morris. I was just thinking aloud.

You mustn't use that word. It isn't becoming.

Oh, I meant a dead body, Morris.

Not what is under a person's clothing.

Julia.

Now, why... did I say that?

See that it gets on the first available train.

If I could help you with your baggage.

It's rather heavy.

There have, of course, been many editions

of the Bible, some famous, some infamous.

For instance, there is the Wicked Bible,

so called because the word "not"

is omitted from the seventh commandment,

making it read:
"Thou shalt commit adultery. "

A small error which could encourage certain

sections of the populace

to a frenzy of immorality unknown

since first-century Rome.

Speaking of which, have you heard

that the Emperor Heliogabalus?

I'm afraid, sir, that this is as far as I go.

What? Oh, splendid. Excellent, excellent.

Many, many thanks.

Well, perhaps you might care to know

who your fellow traveller was.

Non other than Joseph Finsbury,

scholar extraordinary, lecturer,

and one of the two Englishmen living

who can speak pure Swahili.

Well, said, sir.

Well, well, who knows,

perhaps our paths may cross again?

- God save us.

- Ah!

Oh! Good.

Good, yes. Thank you, Peacock.

It is Peacock, isn't it?

It is, sir.

Ah! How long has it been?

I came as quick as I could.

It's Master Joseph, Peacock.

Master Joseph!

Oh! Forgive me, sir.

It must be all of 40 years.

- Yes.

- Yes, yes.

I remember clearly the last time I saw you.

On that very day, the American, Colonel Colt,

inventor of the Colt revolver,

used electricity to detonate a torpedo,

thereby destroying a brig in full sail

upon the Potomac in Washington DC.

The present, not the former capital of the

United States, New York City, being the first...

I take it my brother is upstairs?

Yes, sir.

- May I announce you, sir?

- No, no. I will announce myself.

You might perhaps bring me a cup of tea.

I am a trifle piqued.

With pleasure, sir.

China, of course. You'll remember,

I developed a taste for it in Turkey

during the 23rd revolution there.

Oh, ha ha, yes.

Masterman?

Masterman?

Is that you, Mother?

It is I - Joseph.

Joseph?

Brother Joseph.

What unexpected joy.

Don't tax yourself, brother.

I am raised in spirits already.

Doesn't raise mine to find you so,

lying in the very bed

in which our dear papa passed from us.

I am soon to follow his example, I fear.

Never say it.

But I do say it.

Last week old Hackett.

Next week, or even before...

...old Masterman.

Ah, yes. Poor Hackett.

I must somehow attend his funeral.

Our generation, brother,

is on its way to Valhalla.

Or, as the Red Indians so aptly put it,

the happy hunting ground.

Let me... give you a glass of good cheer. Hm?

It will seal the occasion...

and revive your spirits.

Oh, no, thanks. I've asked for some tea.

Oh.

Ah... Ah...

Oh, what... What is it, brother?

Shall I send for a physician?

Oh, no, no. No, send for no-one.

I only want you.

- Jo-jo.

- Oh... oh, Jo-jo.

Jo-jo. Oh, those boyhood names.

Oh! What fond memories they recall.

Argh!

My goodness! My gracious!

What... What is it?

Are you hurt?

No, no, no. I needed some air.

I must... I must have air.

Open the window, Joseph.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Oh. Bless my soul.

You're down again.

Here. Let me...

Come on. Oh.

Yes, now, you lie here...

and let me open the window.

What was that? What was that?

Surely... Surely the populace

are not demonstrating?

Yesterday, do you know,

I had the narrowest of escapes.

- Upon my soul, I could have been killed.

- Killed?

I was in the water closet

of the Bournemouth Express,

when it quite unaccountably exploded,

thereby extensively damaging

the rest of the train.

I can't really think that I was to blame,

although at the time I was smoking.

But it didn't... damage you?

No, no, no.

Thanks for the thought.

I confess, I am a trifle ruffled.

Yes... I think I'll lie low at the club a few days.

My nephews have been most annoying of late.

Oh, brother, no, no. Don't test yourself.

Sit down. It's you who should sit up here.

You may have a nutmeg poisoning.

Take a sip of your glass of good cheer,

dear old chap.

It may prove effective.

Do you know, it's the most astonishing thing,

there is a tribe of aborigines

in Southwest Tasmania

who distil the chewed bark of the banyan tree.

Enough, you pedantic, boring old poop!

A pedantic, boring, old...

- Poop!

- I shall leave you... brother.

You've lost your reason.

Reason? Reason, yes.

But not... not the tontine!

Here it is!

Too late to apologise.

- Name of Finsbury, sir?

- Yes?

Sign here, please, sir.

Where do you want it, sir?

Anywhere, my good man, anywhere.

Er... thank you for the tea and cakes.

I shall taste them all through my dissection class.

Would you say your work

is in the nature of a vocation?

No, no, not quite. My grandfather wished it.

He believes that if one cannot join

the ruling classes,

one must do one's best to deplete them.

Well...

Who is it?

Finsbury? Name of Finsbury, ma'am?

- Yes?

- There's a shipment for you, ma'am.

Cousin Morris must have excelled himself.

We're always having shipments of eggs,

but never anything like this before.

A little assistance would not be refused, ma'am.

If the staff were available.

- Oh, yes.

- Oh, allow me to help.

Oh, won't you miss your class?

Oh, that's of no consequence.

I doubt if my class will miss me.

- Would you hold my coat?

- Oh...

Dr Pratt?

Dr Pratt?

Dr Pratt?

Are you Dr Pratt?

What? What?

Are you Dr Pratt?

Are you?

Are you from the police?

- No.

- Then I am Dr Pratt, yes.

I was referred to you by a slight acquaintance...

for professional advice.

Oh, yes, yes.

Yes, mm.

Is it? Is it night or day?

Day.

Did you have an appointment to see me, sir?

I'm afraid not.

Then I will give you

a day appointment immediately.

Thank you very much.

Sit in that chair.

Don't sit on that moggy, sir.

She's the finest ratter in the East End.

- I'm terribly sorry.

- That's all right.

Quiet, Tiger.

Now, then, take off your clothes, sir... and cough.

Doctor, it's not me.

It's certainly not me, sir.

It's probably one of my cats.

- Doctor!

- Come in!

- Come in!

- Doctor!

I am not here

on a matter of my personal health.

Would you be so good, sir,

as to er... say that again?

I did not come here

for reasons of my personal health.

What is the young lady's name?

- It is not that, Doctor.

- No, no, it isn't, no.

- I wanted to make a somewhat unusual request.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes