The Wrong Box Page #5

- Yes, yes.

I was wondering... do you by any chance...

happen to have any...

...death certificates?

Do I happen to have any death certificates?

What a monstrous thing, sir.

What a monstrous thing to say to a member

of the medical profession!

You realise the enormity

of what you have just said?

Yes.

Do you have any death certificates?

- How may do you want?

- Just the one would be sufficient.

Ah.

And if you'd be so good as to simply sign

your name and leave the remainder blank...

It'll cost you five shillings.

Price is no object.

Right, ten shillings, then, payable in advance.

Stay there, I'll just get my medical pen.

Sorry, Button.

I keep them here. Yes.

Oh! Would you like to buy a moggy?

No, thank you, Doctor.

They make lovely pets.

You'd like to have a moggy in the home.

I collect eggs, Doctor.

Eggs? Oh, yes, I enjoy an egg myself.

Yes, they don't make god pets, though.

You can never get 'em in at night.

They're too quiet. Yes.

All I want is a death certificate, Doctor.

Don't we all? Yes, yes.

Yes, indeed.

Erm... you may return for it this evening.

I will have one of my staff collect it

from the place of its origin.

Meanwhile, keep taking the pills.

This evening, Doctor.

Take them this evening

it's as good a time as any, yes.

That's better.

Of course, I was not always as you see me now.

I am sure you weren't, Doctor.

No, I had a magnificent practice

in the fair confines of Camden Town.

A charming area.

The sick and groggy travelled

from all over the world to queue at my door.

Wonderful work.

I specialised, you see, in rare,

malign diseases of the spleen.

How very interesting.

The accolade itself was not beyond my grasp.

- Within it, I'm sure.

- Yes.

Until that unfortunate episode

with the Lord Mayor's wife.

Goodbye, Doctor.

Come in. Come in.

We are both old enough

to know what kisses lead to.

- Oh, yes.

- And if I may be blunt,

our children would be idiots.

Why? Is there insanity in your family?

What? Oh, no, no.

What I mean is, it is a proved medical fact

that marriage between cousins...

Oh, but we're not cousins.

Uncle Joseph is just my guardian.

I am an orphan.

- An orphan?

- Yes.

Oh, me, too. I never knew my parents.

They were killed in a balloon ascension.

I only knew mine vaguely.

My father was a missionary.

He was eaten by his Bible class.

- And your mother?

- She too.

They never eat one without the other.

Oh, it's... it's destiny!

Oh.

Stop!

Have you just made a delivery to number 11?

That's right, sir. Yeah.

Thank you.

Ah, cousin.

How is your dear grandfather this morning?

- Oh, she's well.

- What?

That is to say, he's just the same -

my grandfather, of course.

Well, I must be off to my Bible class.

Cousin... I mean, Julia.

Master Michael, sir, come quickly!

Your granddad! Come quickly!

Oh... Dr Slattery.

- Am I too late?

- No, no, no. I've just given him a sedative.

Is it anything serious?

As you know, I'm a medical student and I would

understand a more detailed diagnosis.

I see. Well, in that case, what I think he had...

to the nearest guess,

technically speaking, that is,

was a conniption fit.

Oh... yes.

Yes, well, don't worry about it.

Oh, what are you blubbing for, boy? Hm?

Such a good man.

Such a gentle soul to be taken from us.

- What are you talking about?

- My dear departed Uncle Masterman.

He's no more departed than you are,

probably less so,

judging from the last time you consulted me.

How are the boils, by the way, hm?

Disappeared?

Miss Julia.

Excuse me.

Come, Julia. Good day, cousin.

Julia?

Peacock?

What is this? I thought they'd all gone.

I took it to be Lady Pitman's goods returned, sir.

Oh, dear.

A perfect day ruined.

Dead.

Peacock!

Peacock...

- Uncle Joseph...

- Oh, yes, I forgot to tell you.

He came and went.

- Came and went?

- Yes.

It was terrible, sir.

- Oh, terrible, it was.

- What was?

The altercation between them.

- Altercation?

- Yes, terrible.

Things flying around.

Words, angry words.

And objects.

Objects?

Peacock...

...Grandfather has murdered Uncle Joseph...

And then suffered a conniption fit.

No, never say...

And he did it because he wanted me

to have the tontine.

Mercy on us.

See for yourself, Peacock.

See for yourself.

No.

What shall we do, Master Michael?

What shall we do?

There's only one thing to do, Peacock.

We must inform the police.

But your grandfather's good name, sir?

I shall say I did it.

No. I am an old man.

Let me say I did it.

- What was your motive?

- Money.

- They'd never believe you.

- Why not, sir?

After all, I haven't been paid for seven years.

Begging your pardon, sir.

No, Peacock.

It's a noble gesture...

but I shall plead guilty to the crime.

But think of your career, sir.

You have your whole life before you.

Yes, there is that, of course.

Well, we must think of something else, then.

Who is it?

I don't know, sir. Shall I ask?

I don't know.

Could it be the police already?

- I don't know. Do they work that fast?

- I don't know.

Hello?

Oh, it's Miss Julia.

Listen, listen, listen.

Take your time getting to the door.

Coming!

I'll slow it down a bit.

Thank you.

I've brought some broth for Uncle Masterman.

My Uncle Joseph says it has

strong recuperative qualities.

Oh.

Hello.

Oh...

Oh, I've brought a little sustenance

for your dear grandfather.

I thought that...

Oh.

What is it?

Oh.

You haven't any furniture.

- What?

- Oh, how sad.

I always knew you were poor,

but I never imagined anything like this.

- Oh, really?

- Would you mind if I looked around?

- Would you like to look around the hallway?

- I've always wanted an empty room of my own.

Ours is so cluttered.

We have lots of empty rooms.

Would you like to see another one?

Oh!

Oh, how sad.

All you've got left is your piano.

- I learned the pianoforte as I child, but...

- Oh, yes?

...I can never practise.

- No.

Cousin Morris will not a permit an instrument

in the house.

He says the vibrations might shatter his eggs.

Yes, of course.

I think you'll find the piano's rather out of tune.

Oh, I'm sure not.

My repertoire is somewhat limited, I'm afraid.

I think I hear my grandfather calling me.

No, I don't think so.

I'm terribly sorry.

It must be cousin Morris calling you.

Yes, that must be it.

In either case, it's one or the other.

And I think we ought see which one of them

wants to see which one of us.

- Goodbye.

- Oh!

Oh.

Forgive me!

What to do, Peacock?

What to do? That's the question.

If I may be allowed to say, sir.

Anything, Peacock, anything.

I have heard that there are,

in certain sectors of this great city, men...

...unscrupulous men, sir,

who, for a price,

will perform the most unsavoury tasks.

Dr Pratt?

Rouse yourself, Dr Pratt.

I assure you, the lady was already dead,

when I arrived, Constable.

- Dr Pratt.

- Come in. Hm?

I was here earlier. You asked me to return.

What?

Oh, yes. Yes, yes. I remember.

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