The Wrong Box Page #6

- I've got what you wanted.

- Thank you, Doctor.

Blackcurrant jelly.

It contains 12 grains of arsenic.

Just spread it on your mother's bread and butter.

Doctor, I wanted a death certificate!

Oh, you've done her in already, have you?

- What's this? Is that it?

- Mm? What?

- What's that?

- Oh, yes, this is...

- This is a death certificate.

- Yes.

- I've signed a lot of these in my time.

- Could you sign this one?

Yes, yes, I'll sign this one.

- Give me a hand.

- Up you get, Doctor.

Yes. Yes.

Oh, yes. Before I sign this,

I must do my ablutions according to the sterile

principles laid down by Lord Lister:

"Cleanliness in all things,

even the humblest of tasks. "

Oh, that's better.

Now, then.

Oh, look at that. Look at that! Scarcely human.

- I'll have to see a vet about it.

- Doctor...

- Come in.

- Come on!

Keep taking the pills. You'll be all right.

- Are you all right, Doctor?

- Yes, I'm all right. It's just a fur ball.

It's nothing.

Strange. I haven't had fur for a fortnight.

Now, let's see...

Now... Yes. Er... That's it.

There they are.

- Doctor...

- Mm?

Oh, you want it signed in two places? Yes.

Yes.

P.

- P, Doctor. P.

- Oh, yes.

- P.

- R.

- R...

... A- T-T.

Oh.

MD.

"Pratt MD". Is that your name, as well?

Oh, I've gone and blotted it, now.

It's a small world.

You'd never think that there were two Pratts

in one room, would you?

There we are.

- Thank you, Doctor. Good night.

- Yes. Come in.

Of course, you know...

...I was not always as you see me now.

Was I, Mervin, eh?

Oh, no, you are too young to remember.

Stay away, lad. It's not good for you.

Julia!

Are you mad?

A scream like that

might have shattered my eggs.

Oh, but I was dreaming I was an egg, Morris,

and that an eagle was trying to hatch me.

- Please cover yourself.

- Oh...

What erm...

What news of next door?

Oh, well, very peculiar, Morris.

I took Uncle Masterman some broth

and Michael... Well, he seemed to...

How shall I say it? I... I think he threw me out.

- Threw you out?

- Yes! What do you think it means, Morris?

Well, it means that erm...

What it means is that erm...

I... don't know what it means.

Morris, am I pretty?

Let me think.

Oh... Never mind.

He's up to something.

It's happened. I know it's happened.

And Michael's trying to cheat us.

Trying to cheat two orphans out of the tontine.

That must be it!

Peacock? Peacock!

Where is the old fool?

The house is full of fools!

I'm coming, blast you!

I'm coming! I'm coming!

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

I'm... Oh! Aagh! Oh!

I'll turn the cart round and stand guard.

Hey...

- Funny.

- Funny, Daddy.

What's all this malarkey about a piano, then?

Still, he must be the one. Can't be two

in the same house, can there?

Come on, let's get him wrapped up now.

Here, you take his legs, I'll take his shoulders.

Right, well, thanks for the business, sir.

Good night.

You, there!

- Where are you going with that?

- Er... Chelsea Undertakers, sir.

We have a dead person

what has just deceased.

I see. Well, be about your sacred business.

Thank you, sir.

The compliments of the night to you, sir.

And so, gentlemen,

the great tontine has been won after 63 years

by your uncle erm... Joseph of Finsbury.

Yes, we've telegraphed him in Bournemouth.

He will erm... arrive shortly.

- A most magnificent sum!

- Erm... could we ask... just how magnificent?

Oh, yes. Well,

it's the magnificent total of

111,000 three shillings and thruppence.

We could continue to administer the fund.

No, no, no, no, no.

Erm... my uncle gave quite explicit instructions.

He wants the entire amount handed over to him.

- Oh?

- In cash.

- Immediately.

- Oh. That is most unusual.

Oh, well. However...

Well, in that case...

...would it be convenient for you to return,

say, at three o'clock?

Ah! We were thinking

more immediately than that.

Erm... Unless, of course,

our new legal friend could bring it to the house.

Yes, that would suit. You see, this is sure

to prove a trying day for our dear uncle.

Mm! The shock of losing a brother, you see.

Plus the shock of winning the tontine

- might prove too much for his... weak...

- Terribly weak.

...heart.

- Mm!

That's no good. Here! Give it to me.

Leave it, leave it, leave it! Give it to me.

Now, this time. This time, pull!

- Pull!

- You know what that is?

That is stuck. That is what that is.

Is this the Finsbury residence?

- Who asks?

- Kindly address me as "Major".

- Are you a member of this household?

- The butler, Major.

Does your employer answer to the name

of Masterman Finsbury?

That was the case, Major.

Then he is delivered up and safely returned.

This poor, misguided man

attempted to take his own immortal life last night.

- We fished him out of the river.

- Mercy!

Yes? Did somebody call?

Later, Mercy. Later! First things first.

Pass him through.

Come along! Come along!

Now, you two, give a hand. Come along!

Get the piano out of the way!

Come on, get moving! Get moving!

- Where is he usually kept?

- First door.

Forward, the Army!

Take him upstairs.

You ought to count yourself lucky

we were on our toes last night.

The Lord moves in mysterious ways

when He is raising money for our cause.

He will have to move very mysteriously...

...to raise any boodle here.

Boodle? What do you mean?

I am not in charge of the finances.

You have to wait till Master Michael returns.

We can wait.

- Agh, Master Michael! Oh, poor!

- Ha!

Here, that boy!

- Do you want to earn a penny?

- Yeah.

Here, go to St Mary's hospital.

- Ask for Mr Michael Finsbury.

- Michael Finsbury?

Good morning.

May I be of service in your hour of need?

Oh... Oh, yes, I've come to pay my respects.

Who, may I ask, do you suffer the sad loss of?

My uncle, Masterman Finsbury.

Finsbury?

"Finsbury" as in "Park"?

No, the only soul reposing here

belongs and answers to the name

Wilfred Ebenezer Hackett.

Oh. Well, Uncle was called many names,

but that was never one of them.

- When did your uncle die?

- Late last night.

In that case,

allow me to present you with my card.

Er... Er...

Oh, I appear to have run out.

Business is so brisk these days!

It is quite obvious, my dear young lady,

that you are in need of my entire organisation.

When you leave me at the undertakers',

go back to the house, unpack Uncle

and place him in the hallway,

so that it appears he fell down the stairs.

Why do I always have the packing

and unpacking to do?

You're quite right. I can't trust you

with the simplest task. I'd better handle it.

We haven't got much time.

Here we are. Get out!

Tell the undertakers, a simple coffin.

Nothing expensive!

Now, if you'll excuse me, Miss Finsbury.

Brothers and sisters,

our prayers were for nought.

Hymn 231.

Onward Christian soldiers

Marching as to...

Most unusual.

Most unusual!

I think we'd better pay a call on...

...on...

Hm... Yes!

I think we'll pay a call on...

- Michael Finsbury, sir?

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