The Wrong Box Page #7

- I know, I know!

Michael Finsbury, naturally.

- Bring that down, will you?

- Right, sir.

Mr Patience.

- What means this?

- Our dead uncle.

My cousin should never have broken

the glad news at the top of the stairs.

- Why? What happened?

- Well, the poor old chap...

...broke his noodle.

- I see. You mean it... it proved fatal?

Oh, totally. Excuse me.

Allow me.

Er...

Morris?

Morris!

Morris?

Excuse me.

Morris!

Morris!

Patience is here with the boodle.

Where is Uncle Joseph?

- I say, she's a bit of all right!

- "Where is Uncle Joseph," indeed, you cretin!

- I sent him to you in a barrel!

- Oh? What's this?

- You realise we're ruined?

- I think I know what's happened.

- There's been a mix-up.

- You imbecile!

Let go of me!

Leads against the foe

Forward into battle

See His banners...

- Oh, help him up!

- Are you all right?

- Are you all right? Get him on his feet.

- Yes.

And that, sir, is that.

The doctor left this death certificate.

One moment!

Pray, what is going on? Hmm?

Ah! Erm... Thank you.

Well, what... what is this?

- What's what?

- Well, today's the 12th. This is dated the 13th.

Well, here today and gone tomorrow.

Surely a mere formality, sir?

You have our words as English gentlemen

that our uncle is... no longer with us.

I wonder... I wonder if you could give us

a few more moments alone with him

- before you remove his mortal remains.

- Of course, sir.

- Please indulge yourself.

- Thank you.

Well, in that case, perhaps it'd be as well

if I returned another day for the transfer of the...

Oh, no, no.

- What must be done... must be done.

- Er... yes.

- We must...

- Curb our natural grief.

- Exactly.

- Yes.

With the cross of Jesus going on before

Onward Christian soldiers

With the cross of Jesus going on before

No...

Brothers and sisters,

our prayers have been answered!

Hymn 224!

All things bright and beautiful

You were too keen to get me buried, sir!

The point is... The point is,

I did not kill my brother Joseph!

I tried to, but I failed.

Grandfather...

- Stop your spluttering and allow me to speak!

The point is, the tontine is ours!

Well, it certainly isn't yours

and it must be returned!

- It must be returned at once!

- You can't!

You can't ask that of two innocent little orphans!

You couldn't take it back now!

You gave it to us. It's ours!

I put it to you, gentlemen, that Masterman

Finsbury is alive and your uncle dead.

- I have his death certificate!

- It's a mistake! It says he died tomorrow!

- Relinquish that dresser.

- Never!

And please do not touch me!

Ooh! You touched me!

- Er... you may remove the body now.

- Certainly, sir.

Stop them! Stop them! They have the money.

Get this...

Stop!

Come on!

Stop them!

- Stop them, they've got the tontine!

- Julia!

Stop!

Stop them! They've got the tontine! Stop them!

Could you tell me

where I could find Michael Finsbury?

It's Morris Finsbury you want!

He's just made off with 100,000!

- What? Where?

- That way!

In a hearse!

This man was a witness.

Seize him.

It's obvious we are not needed here.

We brought the Gospel,

but they would not listen.

Damn them all!

Triumphant march

Come on. Come on. Hey!

Halt! In the name of the law...

...follow those hearses!

- Stop! Wait for me!

Upbeat march

Solemn funeral march

Solemn funeral march

Giddy-up! Giddy-up!

Upbeat march

Lively trumpet solo

It is, as you know, a statistical fact

that in London one person dies

every 25 seconds,

which means it is extremely probable

that one of us

may not even live to arrive at the cemetery.

Morris, I think there's been another mix-up.

- We've got a body instead of the boodle.

- What?

We must go to the cemetery!

Quick. Get the flag. They'll never notice.

I will recall, Mrs Hackett,

that your late husband showed me

another kindness on February 3rd.

- No, February 4th. Another kindness, by...

- And it was kind of him to pass on, wasn't it?

Wasn't it? Gave you a better chance

of the tontine! Hypocrite! You hypocrite!

Don't touch me!

Now, come, Mrs Hackett.

You mustn't spoil this beautiful occasion.

Perfidious! How dare...

What have you done with Mr Hackett?

Look at the size of that coffin!

That's only part of him! He weighed 15 stone.

And look at that ridiculous flag!

He hated England!

Excuse me, you have our body.

Erm... our Yorkshire terrier.

He would have been 14 tomorrow.

Poor little beggar.

Hey! Get back!

Excuse... Excuse me!

Stop! Thief! Stop! Thief!

Let us remember where we are!

- Aaah!

- Aargh!

- Oh!

Oh, my!

Uncle...

That's him.

Please. May we begin?

Dearly beloved, we are gathered

together in the sight of God

and in the face of this congregation

to join this man and this woman...

No, no - that's not it. Er... Er...

- Aah!

- Ugh!

I must have quiet! I demand the silence

due this solemn occasion!

Uncle Joseph!

- Just where you belong, Jo-jo.

- Oh!

Please! I beg of you, sir!

- Get off him, all of you!

- Ladies! Gentlemen!

I beg of you to conduct your business elsewhere.

- What do you mean, elsewhere?

- Not you, of course, Mrs Hackett.

Uncle Joseph.

Let us begin...

Man that is born of a woman

hath but a short time to live

and is full of misery.

He cometh up and is cut down like a flower.

He fleeth as it were a shadow

and never continueth in one stay.

In the midst of life, we are in death.

- Of whom may we seek for succour...

- Stop! Stop this funeral.

I demand the money to be returned.

The tontine has yet to be won.

If fate names me the winner,

the entire amount goes to my ward, Julia.

Julia, my darling, I've always loved you.

Be mine tonight.

Better still, be mine.

Let us begin. Man that is born of woman

hath but a short time to live

and is full of misery.

What's going on? What is it? Come on.

Please, sir, I beg of you.

There's a dead man here.

All right, no-one move!

- Finsbury?

Yes?

- Morris Finsbury?

- Yes.

Morris Finsbury, I arrest you

for stealing 100,000.

- But the money has been returned, sir.

- And who are you, sir?

- Some sort of accomplice?

- Certainly not! I am his solicitor.

You've brought a solicitor with you, have you?

- I've met your type before.

- No, I'm the administrator of the tontine!

- "Tontine"?

- Named after Lorenzo Tonti,

- a Neapolitan banker.

- And who are you, sir?

- I...

- He's nobody. He's my young brother.

- And who are you, sir?

- None of your business.

I shall have you arrested for indecent exposure!

My grandfather was recently buried, sir.

And who are you, sir?

He is Michael Finsbury.

And who are you, madam?

She is Julia Finsbury, shortly to become...

...Julia Finsbury.

Young man, did you know

there was a body in the piano?

I did it.

- Who is he?

- He is the butler, sir.

- The butler did it?

- No, sir.

- I put the body there.

- Is this true?

- Yes, sir.

- Then you are entitled to a reward of 1,000.

You are responsible for bringing

the Bournemouth Strangler to his just end.

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