The Yellow Rolls-Royce Page #4

...is like

"The Star-Spangled Banner" back home.

So when you say things like that,

be careful, huh?

Be careful.

I'll show you what I mean.

Signor Maltese.

Will you like to pick up

my money, please?

Signor Maltese,

you must please forgive me.

I didn't recognize you.

I am Bomba, the owner.

Pick it up.

Hey.

Hey, hey.

This is a great joy, Signor Maltese.

They are telephoning me

from the Excelsior...

...that you'd be honoring us

with a visit.

You wish to buy a car?

I'm in Italy for three months' holiday

to visit my folks.

To marry my fidanZata.

This is a most important car.

That fidanZata thing,

that was a crack, wasn't it?

- This is the fastest open car.

- That means affianced.

Affianced, like getting married?

- That's all it meant?

MAN:
And the Duce is never wrong.

As far as I know.

Unhappily,

we have nothing armor-plated.

- Signor Capone was recently...

- I don't want armor-plated.

It's smiling.

Eyes, and the nose and the mouth.

You're kind of old-fashioned maybe,

but there's something about you.

You know what you've got?

You've got class.

Hey, this is the one I want.

This one with the telephone thing.

This is cute.

So you call up the driver on it.

Joey, get in and I'll work it.

You see, you press this button,

then the driver hears what you're saying.

- Friedlander.

- Yes, madam, your instructions?

Drive straight over that mountain.

I have a fancy to see the view.

As Your Ladyship commands.

What is this old heap?

Old heap? Old heap?

Signor Maltese, it is a Rolls-Royce.

The best.

Of course it's the best. You don't know

a lady when you see one.

It's got 20,000 miles in it.

That is nothing for a Rolls-Royce.

The last owner was a Maharajah.

He ruined himself

gambling at the San Remo casino.

That is how we got the car.

How much do you expect

to get for it now?

Well, perhaps a little more than even you

can afford, Signor Maltese. Shall we...?

How much?

Let me see.

At present rate...

...about $ 15,253.75.

You think I can't afford that?

But for you, naturally...

...I would make a little reduction,

Signor Maltese.

Give him the full price, Joey.

Couldn't I leave out

the 75 cents, maybe?

No.

- Lf my loved one wants a Royce-Rolls...

- A Rolls-Royce.

- My loved one gets a Royce-Rolls.

Gorilla.

If this old yellow heap breaks down

on me on the way to Pisa...

...it won't only be my beloved fidanZata

who'll be in trouble.

So it leans. So a lot of things lean.

- You ever heard of Galileo?

- Sure, I heard of Galileo.

- She ever heard of Galileo?

- No.

Five, 600 years ago...

...this Galileo dropped

two stones off that tower...

...one big one and one little one.

So?

So he proved the law of gravity,

or something, I don't know.

And brained

a couple of citizens maybe. Big deal.

Hey, mister. Photograph?

Mister? Mister?

It's one of the Seven Wonders

of the World.

Beat it, will you?

One of the Seven Wonders of the World.

Will you beat it?

Okay, okay. You're the loser.

Look at it.

What is it?

The cathedral.

That is the most beautiful

and most famous cathedral in the world.

It's got too many pillars.

- Too many pillars.

- Yeah.

Listen to me,

that is the most beautiful...

...and the most famous

cathedral in the world.

- It's got too many pillars.

- It was built in 1050.

Yeah, so in 1050,

they put in too many pillars.

- This over here is the Baptistery.

- Oh, yeah.

From all over the world...

Listen. That is the Baptistery.

From all over the world, people

are coming every day just to look at it.

Well, I guess

they just must like Baptisteries.

Without exception, Joey...

...without challenge

from anyone, anywhere...

...this is the most stupidest,

the most unfeelingest...

...the most uncooperative broad

in the whole planet.

And this is the girl, my fidanZata...

...that I'm bringing home

to meet my folks.

And of all the women in the world...

...I could choose from to be my wife,

who do I choose?

An ignorant slob of a hat-check girl

who thinks Pisa...

...Piazza del Duomo in Pisa, Joey...

...is a stopping off place

between hamburger joints.

All right, I will bring you

the photograph personally tonight.

- Be sure you do.

- Yeah.

- Which hotel are you staying?

- Tario Lario.

- Room number?

- Forty-five.

Forty-five. Wonderful.

- Bye.

- Bye, bye.

Will you come on? I'm hungry.

I don't suppose you'd like to sneak

one last long look at the Cathedral?

I've had Pisa.

Think he's dead?

Wait a minute, boss.

We don't wanna get mixed up

in no trouble.

Trouble's my business, eh? Come on.

You wait here.

"Wait," he says.

"Trouble is my business," he says.

Give me that before you hurt yourself.

Oh, well, what are you doing?

Are you Peeping Toms?

He's a photographer.

- I know what he is.

- At your service, signorina.

Get lost.

Today is not my day.

I said to myself:

"Ecco, I take a real artistic photograph...

...make plenty of money

and travel to Rome...

...first-class and dining car."

But what happens?

Bang, bang.

No photograph and no dining car.

- Okay, okay, I'll walk.

- You want a lift?

Hey, you're from Naples, huh?

Yes and no. I'm from Soriano.

You speak very good Italian

for an American.

What makes you think I'm American?

Well...

Such a suit, such a car.

And such a girlfriend.

Yeah.

- And such a chauffeur.

- Take it easy, kiddo.

Florence, huh?

Hey, Mae.

At your feet, signorina.

Isn't it great?

It makes beautiful picture...

...and I'm an artist with the camera,

but what's the use?

I have to live on tourists and tips.

Who tip best?

The American or German ladies?

An interesting question.

English ladies, in fact, tip the best.

But they are so serious.

Always so serious.

They think that if you have just one

conversaZione, signore, just one...

...that you are bound

to be loving them for life.

And what about Italian women?

Eh.

Five lire for the photograph.

And if you go home with them, what?

They have a husband,

and you get a black eye, without 5 lire.

Are all the guys here like that?

Sure, they're amoral.

I guess they are immoral.

No, amoral.

There's a difference?

Sure, an immoral guy...

...is a guy who knows he's doing wrong,

but he keeps on doing it anyway.

Like me, Paolo, or maybe you might.

An amoral guy doesn't know it's wrong.

Well, so he keeps on doing it too?

Sure.

Whatever this guy is,

I don't think a guy should go...

...talking about women

the way this guy does.

They're frustrated women, baby,

most of them.

He gives them something, like...

Yeah, they give him

something, too, maybe, like money.

Well, that's life.

- Sit down.

- Thank you.

Well, I would, first of all,

like to take a photograph of the lady.

With the most beautiful view

in the whole world, signorina.

Well, I really wouldn't know.

Can I have a cup of coffee, please?

And something to eat, maybe?

I'm going to get a cigar.

Yeah, what's so funny?

Just that you show me often

the left side of your face...

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