The Young Offenders

1

Imagine if we had

a million euros.

What would you like to do?

Think of something.

Pick anything at all.

What would you like to do?

You've put me on the spot. Um...

Anything. Like, come on.

I don't know.

Like, what's the budget?

1 million. I just said it.

Uh... do you want me to choose

an activity or an object?

Whatever you wanna do,

just pick something!

I don't know! Like, skydiving?

Grand.

Not a bad idea, go skydiving.

I'll get you a plane

and a parachute

and you can skydive

whenever you want.

- Oh!

- Where'd you like to live?

Mansion.

Mansion, grand.

We living at City Hall?

The Lord Mayor lives there,

like.

Well, yeah, we won't actually

live IN the City Hall

but we'll make a gaff just like

City Hall, know what I mean?

And we put it... we put it there.

Yeah, yeah, build our home

right here.

- Looking over the city.

- Mansion looking over the city.

- We'd need a butler or...

- Yeah, to clean the house.

We'd get one of them

fellas like...

- Batman?

- Yeah, he could run the gaff.

With his English accent!

He'd be unbelievable.

Imagine waking up

to that every morning.

Yeah, right?

"Alright? What's happening?"

"Alright, alright?

What you want for breakfast?"

"You want some tea, son?"

So cool, right?

We could have our own cave

as well, like the Batcave.

- We'd call it the Boys Cave.

- The Boys Cave.

We'd have pool tables,

pinball machines...

- Lava lamps.

- Loads of lava lamps.

- Big gold walls.

- Big gold walls.

- Furry curtains.

- Furry curtains.

Loads of girls with their

tits out lying across the couch.

Like... like Spanish girls?

Yeah, yeah! Spanish girls.

We'd look like legends

wherever we went.

Sounds amazing.

That handsome-looking fella

there is me, Conor MacSweeney.

And that's me best pal, Jock.

It's the summer of 2007.

We're both 15 and just after

finishing the junior cert.

For any of you not from Ireland,

all you need to know is

it's a load of bollocks.

I live on the north side

of Cork city with me mam.

Oh, f*** it.

I was, uh...

..having a bad dream.

No wonder you're always late.

We're leaving in five minutes.

Five minutes.

And give me two

for the wife as well.

- So four?

- Give me four.

Alright, love?

Mam's a fishmonger

in the English Market.

I'm in working with her

for the summer.

We're actually getting on

better than usual.

Conor, you fancy doing

a bit of work?

What are you getting paid for?

Come on. For f***'s sake.

Jock is sort of...

self-employed.

Let's just say if you leave

your bike locked to a lamppost

within five miles

of where he lives,

it's your own fault.

He's the kind of fella

who'd do anything for a friend.

Like that time I bumped into

Billy Murphy...

Hi, how's it going?

Give me your f***in' phone!

..and he wanted to

borrow me phone.

Billy's the local nut job.

What school did you go to?

- St Pats.

- St Pats.

Did you go to St Pats as well?

Didn't go to school, huh?

Jock found this great site

on the internet

that can make masks

of anyone you want.

Alright, Billy?

He then went to nick the bike

from outside the Garda station

which belonged to

Sergeant Healy.

He's a bit like a sh*t Serpico.

- F***.

- Don't f***ing move!

- Get down on the f***ing ground!

- Healy hates bike thieves.

He treats them

like proper criminals.

..or you're going in the river!

Get the f*** off the bike.

- Get your Micky off my back.

- Shut the f*** up.

D'you understand the reason

for your arrest?

- I do, yeah.

- Ya prick.

When the shades raided

Billy Murphy's gaff looking

for Healy's bike, they ended up

finding hash plants instead.

Shitloads of 'em.

Turned into a bit of

a cat-and-mouse game

between Healy and Jock

after that.

I'm the only one who knows

it's him behind the mask.

To everyone else in the city,

he's a legend known only as

Fake Billy.

I fly like paper,

get high like planes

If you catch me at the border

I got visas in my name...

- Alright, lads?

- Alright, Fake Billy?

What the f*** is this?

Look at him!

Get f***ed, ya c*nt!

If you catch me at the border

I got visas in my name

If you come around here,

I make 'em all day...

Alright, Fake Billy?

How about a shift?

Alright, but make it quick.

Sometimes I think

sitting on trains

Every stop I get to

I'm clocking that game

Everyone's a winner,

we're making our fame...

- How do you cook these?

- How should I know?

- You work here.

- I don't eat any of this sh*t.

You serve in a fish shop

and you don't eat fish?

Everyone's a winner,

we're making our fame

Bona fide hustler

making my name

All I wanna do is...

And a...

And take your money

All I wanna do is...

- What do you eat?

- Chicken.

Chicken. And nothing else?

Chicken nuggets, chicken balls,

chicken burger,

deep-fried chicken,

chicken Kiev,

chicken wings, chicken legs,

chicken soup...

Come on, boy!

What are you waiting for?

And take your money

Pirate skulls and bones...

Scuse me!

Sticks and stones

and weed and bombs

Running when we hit 'em...

..stir-fried chicken,

chicken tikka masala...

Alright, alright, I get it.

- You like chicken.

- F***ing love it.

Sticks and stones

and weed and bombs...

Whoop!

Sorry, lads!

You're a barrel of laughs,

aren't you?

- Forget about it.

- Have a good day.

You could at least make

some kind of effort.

I could, yeah.

Hey, Conor! Slow this shithead

down, would you?

Get outta the way!

Move, will you?!

Get outta the way!

Already going to hell,

just pumping that gas

All I wanna do is...

And a...

And take your money

All I wanna do is...

And a...

And take your money

All I wanna do is...

And a...

Bollocks!

All I wanna do is...

And a...

And take your money.

- Conor, what the f***?

- He was being a cock.

You're being a cock.

Mam had me when she was 16,

which was old for

our neighbourhood.

No-one showed her

how to be a mam,

and she's awful at it.

So she tries to make up for it

by doing things she thinks

a mam should do,

like stitching my name

in all my clothes.

I find another pair of

his jocks in her room,

I'll cut the balls off him,

do you hear me?

Do you seriously think I'm

riding that dopey-looking fella?

Come on!

You better be wearing johnnies

or I'll be the one

who cuts them off!

Jock got his nickname 'cause he

only has one pair of underwear.

He's forever borrowing mine.

Nice one.

He's saving up so me and him

can move out of home

and rent a flat in the city.

That is, if his old fella

would ever stop nicking

all his savings.

What are you doing in here?

My old man died when I was four.

He was on a building site

when it happened.

Some d*ckhead dropped a hammer

off the roof.

Jock's mam died only last year.

I think that's kind of why

we get each other, do you know?

You need to cut

closer to the bone.

I mean, how many times

do I have to tell you?

You're useless, you know that?

We both have shitty

one-parent families.

That's my money.

I need it.

It's my money.

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