The Young Offenders Page #2

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Police are searching

the coastline of West Cork

for an estimated 440 million

euros worth of cocaine

that went overboard in what is

the country's largest ever

drug seizure.

The floating bales of cocaine

have attracted

what the Gardai are referring

to as 'treasure hunters'

hoping to hit the jackpot.

- Where's that going on?

- Three Castle Head.

It's the biggest treasure hunt

in the history of the state.

Look at them lads.

Gardai warn that any of these

so-called 'treasure hunters'

will be serving

guaranteed jail time.

Are you gonna pay me this time?

Don't I always pay you?

I've never seen someone

so passionate about hating

as Mam is about hating Jock.

Oh, Christ.

There's loads of animals

in here, aren't there?

It's a market, Jock.

Jock, on the other hand,

loves me mam.

Ah, f*** it, Jock!

- Does it hurt?

- Yeah, it does hurt!

I tell him she's only joking

when she says mean things

so he doesn't get

his feelings hurt.

- See that?

- Yeah?

That's called a suckerfish.

That's gonna be

your nickname in prison.

That's a good one!

Your mam's hilarious!

Aye, she's always

having a craic with you.

I know, but it's brilliant,

isn't it?

If you're gonna mindlessly

mimic someone,

could you at least pick someone

who's got half a f***ing brain?

Alright, mate?

Up yours, Mrs MacSweeney.

I hope you have a sh*t day.

Mam's always going on about

me mimicking Jock.

I mean, yeah, we have

similar haircuts,

but that's just the fashion.

Aside from that, we have our

own individual sh*t going on.

Jock's always coming up with

interesting things to do,

like...

Just got hold of

100 smoke bombs.

Wanna let 'em off in school?

And this was the best one yet.

That means that one bale

is worth 7 million euros.

- 7 million?!

- Each one, yeah!

Do you know how many zeros

that is after 7 million?

Hundreds!

Yeah, f***ing thousands of

zeros! It's so much money!

Ah, but what if

we get caught, though?

Do you not know the rules

that govern this country?

What?

When the forefathers

founded our country.

- Who were they?

- The forefathers.

Uh, St Patrick, St Brigid...

I dunno. Why are you asking me

these questions, like?

Ask the teacher that.

Basically, when our forefathers

founded this country, yeah,

they made rules, like

if you're younger than 16,

you're classified

as a young offender

which basically means

you can't get in trouble.

- So, we're just off the hook?

- For some reason,

they thought our brains

weren't developed enough,

that we wouldn't know

what we were doing or something.

- I know, stupid, isn't it?

- Spastics!

It's basically like

a get-out-of-jail-free card.

I'm trying to find something

wrong with your plan.

It's perfect. Think how easy

it'd be to find a bale as well.

Think how good you are

at finding stuff.

If I was looking for stuff...

stuff'll be found.

This time tomorrow,

we could be millionaires, like.

This is where we are, yeah?

That's you, that's me.

And this is where the cocaine

went overboard.

Jeez, boy,

that's f***ing miles away!

No, it's not, it's like that.

You do know it's not

actually that far, like.

I know that.

I know how maps work.

I'll nick us a couple of bikes,

we leave first thing

in the morning.

Uh, can we go the day after?

No, it has to be tomorrow.

The guards'll have it found

if we leave any later.

I have to cover Mam in the shop.

She's getting her tooth pulled.

You're actually telling me that

you're not gonna go get

7 million euros

'cause you're gonna work

in the fish shop for the day?

You could have everything

you ever wanted.

Mansions, cars, caves and tits.

I know, right,

but I promised her.

What excuse am I meant to give?

"Me and Jock are heading

down to West Cork

"to find a bale of cocaine."

She thinks I'm stupid enough

as it is.

Boy, this is far more important

than your mam's gammy tooth.

This is monumental.

This could be

the difference between

us having an amazing life

or us having a really sh*t one.

I'm going either way.

If you wanna come, meet me at

the docks at six in the morning.

Did you ever get

an annoying splinter

in your finger?

The more you try and get it

out, the deeper it gets?

Well, Healy's the kind of guy

who'll cut off his own finger

just to teach

that splinter a lesson.

Unlocked bikes, trackers.

D'you know how much sh*t

we're getting because of this?

Stealing is stealing.

They're using trackers

on bikes in London.

Oh, we're London Met now,

are we?

Did you forget you're in Cork?

I took you off bike duty

three months ago.

Yeah, but Fake Billy

is still on the rampage

and it's only gonna get worse.

Starts off with a bike,

then a car, then a bus.

You gotta stop 'em

when they're young.

If that was the train

of thought, boy,

the thing after that would be

a tank, then a jumbo jet.

Now you see what

I'm talking about.

You think I give a sh*t

about Fake Billy stealing bikes?

Don't look like you give a sh*t

about anything except chocolate.

Be very f***ing careful now,

kid. Very careful.

What's worrying me at the moment

is I've cells for a bike thief

you put in there, and murder's

on a waiting list to get in.

Enough with

the f***ing bicycles.

You're a bit of a loner, Healy.

It's not healthy.

Do you want me to ask the lads

to take you out for drinks?

Maybe hook you up with somebody?

Would you like that?

If you wanna catch a big

fish, you gotta drop a big hook

right where he likes to feed.

Mam cooks like she hates food.

And the person

she's cooking it for.

What's wrong with ya?

Did you have this for dinner?

- Yeah, why?

- You enjoyed it?

It's dry, like.

Well, put some ketchup on it.

Jesus Christ.

Aren't you lucky I'm here

to cook your dry Kiev.

What would you do

if I wasn't around?

Wouldn't even know

how a microwave works.

- Eat takeaway.

- How you gonna pay for that?

Get a job.

Are you taking the piss?

Last I heard you were thinking

of quitting school.

- Yeah, I am quitting school.

- Yeah. 'Cause Jock is, is he?

Who's gonna hire you

without a leaving cert?

Dunno, like. Work on a trade

or be a builder or something.

Oh, yeah.

Like your old man, is it?

That turned out well, didn't it?

- F***'s sake.

- Hang on, Mam.

No-one's gonna give you a job.

Only me.

I'm even thinking of firing you,

you're so f***ing useless.

- Hey, clear that up.

- F*** off!

F***'s sake.

And that's how

most of our meals end.

Oh.

Oh!

There are two things

you need for a good adventure -

a treasure map and someone

dumb enough to go with ya.

- Oi, kid!

- Now Jock had both.

- Didn't think you'd come.

- F***ing course I'd come.

Thanks, boy.

Take a look around you.

When we get back,

this is gonna be ours.

- We own this place.

- 7 million euros.

- 7 million euros.

- What are we gonna do with it?

- Like, invest it in stuff.

- Invest the money?

- In a business or something.

- We won't think about that now.

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