The Young Offenders Page #3

Close your eyes. Got a surprise.

Alright.

What is it, Jock?

One second.

OK, open 'em.

Lethal, isn't it?

That's a girl's bike.

No, it's not. It's a cruiser.

It's a cruiser

with flowers on it.

Jock could convince you

that his sh*t tasted beautiful

if he wanted to.

I was around town for ages

looking for the perfect bike.

You ring that and I come to you.

It's got the fanny dip thing.

I don't want that.

Fanny dip thing, boy.

It's got three gears.

I thought I'd give this to you.

You don't have bike miles.

Jesus. Talk about

lack of appreciation.

I do appreciate it, boy.

No, seriously.

Fair play to ya.

Seriously,

I didn't realise it was good.

I was just judging it

by its colour.

- Did you get the same bike?

- Nah, slightly different.

Ooh!

It's slightly different alright.

Listen to this.

Wasn't even locked.

D*ckhead.

As we headed out of the city,

we both knew that

we were never coming back.

Well, emotionally that is,

anyway.

We were gonna change, you know?

Grow up.

Learn how to be men.

That's a good strong bridge.

And stop doing childish things.

Imagine it.

61 bales of cocaine

washing up on the shore.

All we had to do

was find one of them.

Nothin' was gonna stop us.

My boys are killing me. I don't

think I can go any further.

Yeah, we're only in Bandon.

Not even 20 miles

outside the city, like.

Here, I got you this

to cool you down.

When an icepack is unavailable,

you gotta improvise.

Jesus, boy.

That's gonna be sticky.

I don't care.

That's nice now.

That's all that matters.

Stop, stop.

- Stop. Stop. Stop.

- What's wrong with ya?

God, my balls are sticking

to the inside of my leg.

- Didn't I warn ya?

- How much further do we have?

- About 50 miles. Yes!

- Are you serious?

I can't pedal like this

for 50 miles.

What are you getting angry at me

for, boy? It's your own fault.

I need to wash me plums off,

boy. Can we go for a swim?

Grand, alright.

We're literally in.

- Wash our balls, and we're gone.

- Alright.

Conor.

You busy?

I brought you some tea.

Sorry about last night.

Conor?

Conor?

Here, these jocks

are f***ing terrible, boy.

They strangle my balls.

It's Mam.

You gonna answer it?

Have her call me a f***ing

moron?

- No, thanks.

- Conor, you f***ing moron.

Where are ya? You promised me.

Oh.

Call me back straightaway.

It's definitely deep enough.

- How d'you know?

- You can just tell.

But, like, I can see

the rocks, like.

Nah. Perspective is different

when water is on it.

The rocks are actually,

like, really far down.

Magnifies things, water does.

- OK, well, um...

- You go first, alright.

Can you swim, though?

Yeah.

I can swim, and I can swim

pretty well, boy.

- You can't swim at all.

- Who told you that?

It's going all over

the place, like.

"It's going all over the place?"

Everyone is saying I can't swim?

- Well, pretty much, yeah.

- That's bullshit, like.

Do you not know what people

call you in school?

- What?

- 'Finding Nemo'.

'Cause he's got

that f***ing gammy fin, like.

They don't call me

'Finding Nemo'.

They call you Nemo. Like,

'Finding Nemo's the title.

- F*** off. Do they actually?

- A little bit, like.

All I'm saying is if we go down

by the steps,

you can have a nice little

paddle, do your own thing.

No, we're not going

in the f***ing steps.

The old man's gonna think we're

f***ing pussies. Look at him.

We need to jump in from here.

Alright, if we're gonna

jump in, though,

we better do it together.

- OK?

- Together?

Yeah.

F*** it. Alright.

- So, on three.

- Alright.

You ready?

One... two... three.

Hey! There's only 2ft of water.

You'll break your legs

if you jump in there.

In God's name.

Crime is sort of similar

to going for a swim in the sea.

First you dip your toe in

and it's a bit cold,

but before long you're in

up to your balls and...

- It's actually really warm.

- So warm.

That's it, boy. Come on. Oh!

- It's been a while since I swam.

- OK, just kick your feet.

Jock was always

the one teaching me things.

- F*** off!

- How to smoke cigarettes.

How to shotgun a can of beer.

How to pick a lock.

It was nice

to be able to teach him

something for a change.

That's it, boy! You got it!

- I'm like a seal.

- Like a seal.

And I'm like a whale. Ah!

Argh!

Should we go back in?

Yeah, come on. Ah!

- What's the matter with you?

- It's Conor.

He's gone missing right when

I need to go to the dentist.

- You alright?

- Aye, typical sh*t with him.

I had a fight and he's gone.

He's just, you know...

What were you fighting about?

Do I ask you what you're doing

with all the fish heads?

- No.

- No.

'Cause it's none

of my business, is it?

No.

I learnt everything I know

about customer service

from me mam.

Ah, sorry. Here, look.

Have another fish head.

- A salmon one.

- It's on the house.

- Thanks very much.

- Alright. Go on.

Alright.

Why do you have

a little girl's bike?

Why do I what?

Why do you have a little girl's

bike with flowers and stuff?

I thought you said

it was a cruiser.

It is a cruiser.

A girl's cruiser.

Oh, you're such a liar.

F***'s sake.

Ah, ignorance really is bliss.

And right then,

we had shitloads of it.

Can you see that bike

up there as well?

- Top of the hill?

- Yeah.

It's been behind us

for the last half-hour.

Now it's starting to get closer.

- What are you talking about?

- Just a bit paranoid, you know?

Mind if we take the scenic route

for the next while?

Yeah, sure.

Bollocks! He's there again!

- Who do you think it is?

- I don't know.

He's too far away. I can't see.

It's probably just someone

going for a bike ride, like.

A fast bike ride,

in our direction.

Look, let's not take

any chances, alright?

Time for you to use

your tall gear.

Wise guys

leave me tongue-tied

Make friend of your enemies

and keep you close

For a long time

Till you make them eat it...

- Hold up, hold up, hold up.

- What are you doing?

Jock?

Keep sketch, keep sketch.

Just hurry up.

We're losing time.

Jock... Jock, don't, boy!

There's a kid's toy in the back.

I don't wanna do it either,

but what choice do I have?

We could NOT do it.

If it doesn't break first time,

it wasn't meant to be

and I won't

do it again, alright?

OK, go on.

It was meant to be.

Sketch, sketch!

Oh, f***in' prick.

Here. Have a look.

F***in' prick.

So what are we gonna do, Jock?

He's ruining our holiday.

I'm gonna talk to him.

What?

I saw 'Heat' the other day.

You know that film with

Robert De Niro and Al Pacino?

I can't say I do, no.

Action movie,

full of explosions, guns.

Oh, class.

Do you have it on DVD?

No, video. Wait.

It doesn't f***in' matter.

Um, De Niro's the criminal

and Al Pacino's the cop.

Al Pacino spends the whole time

trying to get De Niro

'cause De Niro's unbelievable,

he can't get him.

- Like, cat and mouse?

- Yeah, exactly like that.

There's a scene

where they meet in a cafe

and set down some ground rules.

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