The Young Offenders Page #4

If I can go in there

and just talk to him,

like f***in' De Niro and

Al Pacino does, like man to man,

maybe I can f***in' say,

"Here, look. Give us a break.

"When we get back, we'll pick

it up and it'll be more fun."

You can't just walk in

and be like,

"Wanna have your head

smacked down, boy?"

I'll go up to the table and...

No, don't go up. Go down.

- Down?

- Like that.

"How's it going?"

"How's it going?"

- That's good.

- "How's it going?"

"Thought we should

have a little chat."

"Thought it'd be good to have

a little chat. How's it going?"

- Yeah, "How's it going?"

- "How's it going?"

"Thought it'd be good

to have a little chat."

Kinda like,

"I'm not scared of you.

- "But I respect you."

- Yeah, see?

"How's it going? Thought it'd

be good to have a little chat."

- Yeah.

- Alright.

I suppose you do look

a bit like De Niro.

Mmm!

How's it going?

F***in'... I told him

to nod down, not up.

Thought it'd be good for us

to have a little chat.

No, no!

- He's wanted by the guards.

- F***'s sake!

I just wanted a chat!

That's all!

Oh, my gosh!

Any chance we could discuss some

ground rules for this chase?

- What?

- I don't know.

You could give me a head start.

I'm gonna catch you

and lock you up

where you belong,

you thieving knacker!

- Watch who you callin' knacker.

- Knacker!

Oh, f***!

Shouldn't you be spending your

time chasing real criminals?

You are a real criminal,

you f***in' moron!

Not I'm not!

I'm just having a bit of fun.

Fun? You're nothing but a

thieving little f***in' knacker!

Yeah, well, chasing me

is your whole life, boy,

and that's pretty f***in' sad.

You little f***in' prick!

What happened?

I don't think he's seen

that movie 'Heat', boy.

It was around about then

when I started to miss

working in the fish shop.

There, sir, there you go.

And your change.

Lovely. Thank you very much.

Sure, I had to put up with

Mam giving me sh*t all day,

but there are a lot of benefits

to a steady job, like...

..not getting chased

by a crazy cop.

Is that your phone?

Yeah.

I bet that's how

he keeps finding us.

Come on. Get rid of it.

You know

you light me up inside

You know you turn me on

Girl, you got me burnin' up

Girl, you got it going on

You in the zone

Don't slow it down

Go ahead and roll one up

We gonna get high tonight

like we don't give a...

There's this f***in' weirdo

trying to chase us.

Can we hide in your gaff?

That be alright?

Sorry! Thank you!

My name is Detective Tony Healy.

I'm with the guards.

Two lads coming through here,

where did they go?

- F*** this, man.

- No! Wait, wait!

Must have been

a different driveway.

No-one came through here.

Look, I can see the tracks

leading right up to the door.

- I know they're inside.

- They're from my wheelchair.

- You use a wheelchair?

- Sometimes.

When I'm feelin' lazy. Great

for getting around the farm.

Look, I know you're lying to me.

And what are you

gonna do about it?

Radio for backup?

Those two little thieving pricks

you've got inside,

they're gonna rob you blind,

and you know what?

I hope they do.

Might teach you a lesson.

I have nothin' worth stealing,

but thanks for the concern.

Now f*** off.

F***in' hell, mate.

What's he doing?

He's just standing there,

looking at us.

Bet he can go days

without food or water.

Nice of you to drop by.

It's been a while.

Do you know him?

No.

You boys hungry?

I'm starving.

I'm thinking

of cooking a chicken.

I f***in' love chicken.

Good. Go out back and kill

whichever one takes your fancy.

Kill?

Get him, get him, get him!

Aye! Jesus!

Oh, f***!

Oh, God!

Hey-hey! Whoo-hoo!

Go on. Do it.

I can't.

It's looking right at me.

It's just a chicken.

Stop being a wuss.

It reminds me

a little bit of me.

What? How?

The way it's staring.

You know, sort of

a confused look, like...

..like it doesn't really know

what's going on half the time.

He's not dyin'!

- He's too strong.

- You need to pull it hard, like.

Then he'll start

bleeding out the front.

No, he won't.

Just pull his neck.

One, two, three.

- He's dead?

- He's dead.

- He's dead. Alright.

- Put him in the bucket.

Put him in the bucket.

That's it.

He's still alive, boy.

What if you hold his neck

and I pull his body backwards?

That sounds fair.

Ohh!

As soon as his legs

stop kicking, pluck him.

He did say "pluck him", right?

When you live in the city,

you don't see many animals die.

They're all dead

when they get there.

It didn't seem

to bother Jock much.

He had other things on his mind.

You know, when you've only got

one thing on your mind,

it can be kind of hard

to think clearly.

You can get tunnel vision.

But if you stop

and open your eyes

just for a moment...

..you'd be amazed

at what you might see.

The hell is that?

Look at that.

What is it?

And you made me

throw away my phone.

GPS?

I knew he had to be cheating!

I've got an idea.

That was rare enough for me

so I was delighted with meself.

The chicken is lovely,

isn't it, Conor?

Mm.

Oh...

It's alright. Leave it,

leave it. It's alright.

Hey, thanks

for helping us there earlier.

Yeah.

Yeah, nice that you let us in.

Could've been some other

cranky f***er, you know?

What are you staring at?

I'm not staring.

You're staring straight at me!

I'm not staring.

I'm just looking at you.

I'm having

a conversation with you.

F***ing hell, it'd be weird

if we didn't, like.

Do you think this is funny?

No, it's... No, sir.

Dopey little prick.

- Don't call him a dope.

- Don't you shout at me!

I'm not f***in' shouting.

I said don't call him a dope!

Every time you come down here,

it is the same f***in' sh*t.

We've never been here before.

I paid for everything.

I put you two through college.

We're 15! I didn't even

pass me junior cert.

- Who do you think we are?

- Oh, for f***'s...

You've had enough

of that now, alright?

F*** you, I've had enough!

This is my f***in' house.

- I'll drink whatever I like.

- Sit down and eat your dinner.

That's my f***in' whiskey.

Give it to me.

- Get off me!

- Give me that f***in' bottle!

Get away from us!

Stay back there.

Get out of the way,

you little prick.

- Alright, stop, stop!

- What?

- What are you saying?

- Relax, alright, boy?

OK, I'm gonna put the chair down

and we're gonna talk, alright?

Alright.

Stay back.

F***in' hell!

Don't touch it, ya c*nt!

I went through

all the options in me head

and there was only

one logical thing for us to do.

Relax! Relax!

No, no!

I'm here! Look!

Look. Stop. Stop.

Isn't this a nice comfy chair?

- Do you like this? Yeah?

- Yeah.

You've just gotta talk

to him and he's grand.

- Give me the bottle.

- You can't have that, alright?

We'll give you something later,

like a beer or something.

- Alright, alright.

- See? He wants a beer, boy.

Oh, yeah.

That night sitting around

watching telly

was the closest we had all got

to a normal night in

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