The Young Offenders Page #5

for a long, long time.

Yeah, that show is very good.

I think sometimes

people do the opposite

of what they should do

when they're lonely.

The hide away at work,

fight with the people

they miss most,

and they turn to the bottle

instead of pickin' up the phone.

Imagine you've been

out all night,

no sleep, no food.

You're in the same wet clothes.

Same stupid face.

Oh, f***...

You stuck in there

in spite of everything.

At least when it's all over,

you can take pleasure in

knowing it was all worthwhile.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no...

FUC...!

Our treasure's waiting

for us around this corner,

but there's gonna be loads

of guards, drug squad,

special forces, helicopters,

probably even the army.

Should we use fake names?

Oh, would you stop

with the fake names?

Look, if anyone asks,

just say we're on holidays.

- Got it?

- Yeah, got it.

Nah, this... this

can't be the place.

Here, sorry.

Is this Three Castle Head?

- Yeah.

- We're just on our holidays.

You should've seen

the place yesterday.

You heard about

the cocaine seizure?

Uh, no... no. What was that?

Have you been

hiding under a rock?

The guards found

61 bales of cocaine.

440 million euro worth.

- They got it all?

- Yep, every last one.

There won't be any parties

in this country for a while.

Well, that's not good.

F***!

A full moon

Took the sky

Then a beast came

And stole the light

Now the ghouls are

Not far behind

Run with me...

Jock was taking the news

that our treasure was gone

better than I expected.

I'm not crying, boy.

It's just hay fever.

Weren't gonna say nothing.

There's so much grass

around here.

The pollen count is really

high as well at the moment.

What's wrong with ya?

I've just gotta take

a wilder-poo, like.

A 'wilder-poo'?

Yeah, boy, I haven't

gone since Cork.

What's a wilder-poo?

It's when you take

a sh*t outside, like.

You know, a wilderness poo.

- A poo in the wilderness?

- Yeah.

Well, just go, then.

There's no-one here.

But you're here, right?

I'm not gonna look.

I hardly wanna

see you taking a sh*t.

Alright.

That's not what I meant.

I just need a bit of privacy.

That's all.

I'll be back in a minute.

Oh...

Oh, Jesus. F***.

Jock! Come here.

I don't wanna look at your poo.

Just come here a second.

- What is it, boy?

- Shh! No!

Don't say a word.

Come on.

Be very quiet.

Holy sh*t!

He must be

one of them gang members.

Has he got what

I think he's got?

Our treasure.

F***, yeah!

You f***er!

F***.

- Yo.

- Psst!

He's alive, but he's passed out.

He's bate.

Look, he's got a gammy arm.

He's got a gammy leg too.

He's handicap.

Poor fella.

That'll make it easier.

So come on. Give me a hand.

I'm not stealing

from a handicapped fella.

He's a drug dealer.

What difference does it make

if he's handicapped?

It's like we're being faced

with Stephen Hawking.

This is his chair. You don't

say, "Let's take his chair."

Stephen Hawking?

Who's he again?

The smart guy who's so smart,

he can't walk or talk.

- Do you not know this fella?

- No.

"I am gonna invent

the universe."

He speaks like

he's, like, sucking in.

He's like, "I'm..." Like...

This is what we came for.

We're not leaving without it.

He's probably

holding onto it for warmth.

It's cocaine,

not a hot water bottle.

Shh!

If he wakes up, we're dead.

- He won't wake up.

- Why are you whispering then?

I'm not whispering.

For f***'s sake!

Shh, shh, shh!

Shh.

Shh.

He's freezing, boy.

We can't just leave him here.

When we're far enough away,

we'll leave an anonymous

phone call for the guards.

Shh! Jesus!

Stop yelling! You'll wake him!

He IS f***in' awake!

- Arggh!

- Arggh! Oh, sh*t!

- Get off!

- Ugh!

No! Go... go back

to sleep, please! Oh, f***!

F***! Give me my bag!

Go on! Please! Go!

I never really believed

we would find

that bale of cocaine.

For me, it was just one of them

adventures you go on,

like looking for your G-spot.

You don't really

believe it exists

and you're not sure what

to do with it if you find it.

We did it, kid. We did it!

We sure did, boy!

For Jock, it's different.

Finding that coke

is the only bit of hope he has.

Anyone in the world

could see

That everything's

gonna go right for me

I'm as happy

as I could ever be

'Cause everything's

gonna go right for me

L-U-C-K-Y

Lucky me

L-U-C-K-Y

Lucky me

L-U-C-K-Y

Lucky me.

Do you wanna have a gasp

and a drink?

I'd really love one. Thanks.

Mind the bike

while I'm doing this.

Oh... f***! Sh*t!

- What the...

- What's going on?

It's gone. It must have

got cut on something.

What do you mean, it got cut?

- There's a hole in the bottom!

- There's a hole in it?

- Look...

- But it's all gone.

I don't know where.

I'm sorry, alright?

Seven million euros worth

of cocaine pour out this bag?

How didn't you notice

it getting lighter?!

How didn't you notice it

coming off the back of my bike?!

'Cause that wasn't

my f***in' job!

- I gave it to you to look after!

- You have eyes, don't you?

You're some dopey prick,

you know that?

Alright, but don't call me that.

Why not? It's what you are.

I'd rather be a dopey prick

than a devious scumbag like you.

Gonna take

the best of me

Silent hand but you gotta see

Hey, hey

Alright

We're holding out

for better, please

My hands are tied

Baby, can't you see?

Oh, yeah

Hey, hey

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, my

Help me again

Bring me back from the end

Save yourself in the end

I tried to tell you

Watch out

Here comes trouble...

It's too f***in' tight!

If it isn't Lance Armstrong!

Where the f*** have you been?

Here. Do some real police work.

Who's next there?

I want to report me son missing.

He's not answering his phone.

He's been gone since yesterday.

That's a photo of him there.

I'm gonna catch you

and lock you up

where you belong,

you thieving knacker!

Watch who you callin' knacker.

Watch out

Here comes trouble!

Do you remember

that prick Billy Murphy?

Well, his time

in the slammer was up

and while inside, he had

a cellmate with a big mouth.

Did I hear something

about a fella going around

wearing your face as a mask

or something?

According to this big mouth,

Jock was flah'ing his sister.

Halfway through, he put on

his fake Billy mask as a joke,

but she didn't

find it very funny.

I hear this screamin'

coming from upstairs

from me sister's room - "Arggh!"

It was just a joke!

"Arggh!"

How's it going?

- Who the f*** was that?!

- None of your business.

Big mouth put two and two

together and got five.

Fake Billy's real name

is Conor MacSweeney.

Billy Murphy's friends

consist of people

he has previously

beaten the sh*t out of

and they're too scared

not to be his friends.

Oh, sh*t.

I've been f***in'

looking for you!

- You little f***in' prick!

- F*** off, will ya?

Come here!

Come here, you little sh*t!

- What are you doing, Billy?

- You're f***in' dead!

You hear me?

You're f***in' dead!

Why didn't you f***in'

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes