The Young Offenders Page #6

tell me it was him?

You're f***in' useless.

Yeah, look at the ground.

Look at the f***in' ground.

Sometimes people

People will get you down

But get back up

It's not the end of the world

Heh, although it may feel

like that sometimes

It's so simple

Simple as one, two, three

Back on your feet

You gotta

hold your head high...

Dad, are you home?

Let 'em know

we right here forever

We ain't going nowhere

till the end of the world...

Nice of you

to finally come home.

You're not gonna tell me

where you've been?

Back here

when I'm talking to you.

It's so simple

Simple as one, two, three

Back on your feet

You gotta hold

your head high...

The least you can do is offer me

some half-arsed excuse!

Just leave me alone!

What happened to your face?

Nothing.

End of the world

Ladies and gentlemen,

introducing the most impressive

I plan on shaking the planet

until I'm convalescent

I never count my blessings

I only count the cost of living

It's hard to buy everything

they sell on television...

Are you alright?

Look, I'm grand.

Alright?

I just wanna be left alone.

Sometimes people

People will get you down...

Fine.

Get back up, it's not the end

of the world, yeah

Although it may feel

like that sometimes

It's so simple

Simple as one, two, three

Back on your feet

You gotta hold your head high

Let 'em know

we right here forever

We ain't going nowhere

till the end of the world.

How are you, love? Is the

battery pre-charged in this?

Should be.

Stick in the gas canister

and you'll hear a pump if it is.

What are you making?

I'm not making anything.

What's the nail gun for?

For torturing people.

That's good.

"Torturing."

My husband actually had

one of them. They're great.

Yeah. I'll take that.

That's 375, all in.

Oh...

F***.

I don't have any money.

Fsssh...

Sorry, love,

you can't have it, so.

Careful -

without that safety thing on

those nail guns are lethal.

Arggh!

Oh, don't do that.

It's stuck in the bone.

Arggh!

Took you long enough.

I'm here now, aren't I?

Are you alright?

Yeah. Fine.

It's actually good timing,

you know?

I was just thinking

about moving out.

Can I get dressed first

before we go, yeah?

Yeah. Sure.

Do you get off on that, yeah?

What goes on in this house

is none of your business.

Maybe not.

But I think I just found

my new hobby.

Calling all Gardai.

Be on the lookout for a male

armed with a nail gun.

Made you your favourite -

chicken nuggets.

No, I've

kind of gone off chicken.

Jesus, what the f***

happened to you?

Nothing.

Are you gonna tell me where you

were for the last two days?

No.

Do you think I'm a sh*t mam?

Yeah.

Try having a sh*t son.

Go on,

tell me what I can do better.

No, you called me

f***ing retarded last week,

and there's no need for it.

You can't call your son that

or he'll grow up with problems.

Alright. Stop being a retard

and I'll stop calling you one.

That's exactly

what I mean, like, wh...

I'm messing with you.

F***ing relax.

Yeah, but sometimes

you're not messing.

Just stop calling me

that kind of stuff.

Alright.

You have to trust me

a bit more as well.

It's not you I don't trust.

It's Jock I don't trust.

- Why not?

- Because Jock's a total f***-up.

Oh, he's such a laugh, like.

He's the only fella in school

that, kind of,

makes me feel warm...

Not 'warm', like, but...

makes me feel nice, like.

Are you gay?

Is that what this is?

I mean, it's grand if you are.

Like, f***,

it'll actually explain a lot.

No, Mam, I'm not gay.

But if I was, hypopharically...

..hypoth... hypothetic...

hypothetically...

- Hypothetically.

- Hypothetically.

He'd be the guy

I'd want to be gay with.

Who says that?

Jock, is that you?

- Alright, boy?

- It's alright.

There was this weird-looking

fella there came up to me

by about 15 minutes ago

by the garage.

Hang on a sec. Who's that?

He was kind of sloping down

and he was dragging his leg.

A zombie. A zombie.

That's what he looked like.

- Are you a guard, or what?

- Do I look like a guard? No.

- He had a picture in his hand.

- Do you know where he lives?

And he was, like,

"Conor MacSweeney."

- Conor MacSweeney.

- "Conor MacSweeney."

- "Where does he live?"

- He's a friend of yours.

He looks just like you. All

you little f***ers are the same.

- My friend Conor MacSweeney?

- I swear to f***.

He has something

that belongs to me.

- Cocaine?

- He said nothing about cocaine.

So you didn't say nothing?

What about the rest of the boys?

Oh, one of them,

alright, no, said, um...

"We know

where he lives, actually."

He was like,

"I know where he lives."

What the f*** you doing, boy?

I nudged him. I was like,

"Are you f***ing slow?"

- I said, "Shut the f*** up!"

- Just tell me where he lives!

Get the f***...! Get...

- Come here. Come here!

- Get off me, you f***ing...

Five minutes later, then,

I was thinking to myself,

"It's Conor MacSweeney

he's on about."

Everyone knows

where that dopey mog lives.

He's still around, play it wide?

F***'s sake. Alright.

Cheers! Nice one.

- See you later.

- See you later.

Sorry,

I gotta do something important.

I'll be back later, I promise!

Look, I just don't want you to

be a total f***-up, alright?

I'm not gonna be

a total f***-up.

I'll f*** up along the way,

like, but I'm not gonna...

Do you promise?

..I'm not gonna f*** up

my whole life.

And if I'm being

brutally honest...

..you're not the shittest mam

in town, so,

that's the only compliment

you're getting

at this point in time.

I'll take that. Thank you.

Well,

that's all you're getting, so...

You're not retarded.

Most of the time.

- Oh, come on, Mam.

I'm only messing with you.

- Say one thing good about me.

- I'm only...

Say one thing good about me

or I'm gonna cry!

You're a really, really good

son. You're a good son.

That's very vague.

What do you like about me?

You're really sweet.

Yeah. Now...

- And you're thoughtful.

- You're so vague!

Pr... what's... what's...

what's...

What do I do that... you like?

Do you remember that time

on my birthday last year?

- And I thought you forgot?

- Yeah?

And you bought me flowers,

and it was just...

..it was just really nice.

Cool.

It was just really nice.

Alright, but don't cry.

I'm not crying.

- It was a year ago.

- I know.

I know.

Eat your food, you weirdo.

- F***in' hell.

- You sure you don't want one?

No, I don't want one.

I don't either, actually.

It's disgusting.

Told you get the nice ones.

- What?

- Get the nice ones next time.

Yeah.

We're in major f***ing sh*t!

But I got a plan!

Jock, my f***ing mam's here.

- How are you, Mrs MacSweeney?

- How are you, Jock?

- Can we talk somewhere else?

- No. We haven't got time.

The dealer we stole the cocaine

off is coming. He's not happy.

- What?

- It's not as bad as it sounds.

Yeah, it IS as bad as it sounds.

You're un-f***ing-believable,

do you know that?

We wouldn't be in this mess

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