The Young Offenders Page #7

if it weren't for you.

- And why's that?

- Who lost all the cocaine?

Whose bright idea was it

to steal it in the first place

from a dangerous f***ing

drug dealer, Jock?

Quits?

Mam? Mam, what are you doing?

I'm calling the guards before

that drug dealer arrives.

- What?

- You can't! Think about it.

Do you really want

a convict for a son?

- What?

- Who's gonna cover your days off

in the shop

when I'm being raped in prison?

You're young offenders.

You'll end up in

a juvenile detention centre.

There's rapists there too.

They're just a bit younger.

- Here. Hold this.

- What are you planning on doing?

- Baking him a cake?

- Buy us some time.

Do you honestly think he's not

gonna know the difference

between self-raising flour

and uncut cocaine?

- He's a f***ing drug dealer!

- Shake it!

Is he far away?

Well, f***, I don't have

a GPS on him, do I?

F***!

Do drug dealers ring doorbells?

You two - stay out of sight.

I'm gonna see who's at the door.

Yeah. Use the spy hole.

Make sure he doesn't see you.

You think I'm f***ing thick?

- Well, now that you mention...

- Shut the f*** up.

- Use a fake name.

- Shut the f*** up!

- Well, who is it?

- It's a guard.

It's Healy.

He knows we stole them bikes.

- You stole bikes?

- Jock stole bikes.

Oh, I didn't hear you

complaining

when you were sitting on one

on the way down to West Cork.

What are we gonna do?

I can hear everything you're

saying. Open the f***ing door.

Bollocks.

Right.

What the f*** is going on?

Why don't we go inside

for a nice cup of tea, huh?

See if we can figure it all out.

How are ya?

You gonna invite me in

or what the f***?

F***.

Good morning. No.

I just...

I just wanted to talk to you

and put things straight...

F***ing that.

You know it's a good tea party

when there's an unconscious

guard on the kitchen floor.

Say when.

When.

Sorry. F...

It's grand.

- Did I put too much milk in?

- No, it's grand.

- Will I make another one?

- No. It's... Leave it.

Sorry.

Hi, Conor.

Him? He's not Conor.

What do you mean,

"He's not Conor"?

This fella's name's Gary.

What are you doing?

It's your fake name.

Now, I've had a bad f***ing day.

I fell over a f***ing fence.

I got kicked by a young fella.

And I shot an old one.

I'm not in the mood for lies.

The only way

you're getting out of here

without your little pussies

being riddled with nails

is if you tell me the truth.

Conor Mac-f***ing-Sweeney.

- Right?

- Yeah.

What's that shite

all over the floor?

- That's cocaine.

- That's cocaine?

No, it's not. It's flour.

- Flour?

- It's not. It's cocaine.

Didn't I just...

say 30 seconds ago

that we all need to be

100% honest?

- It's cocaine.

- It's flour.

Oh, my God.

Jesus! Take it easy!

It's flour.

You can taste it if you want.

Why is there flour

all over the floor?

We, like... We were gonna...

..put all the flour in that bag

and then just hope

you'd run off happy out

with a big bag of flour, but...

..you know, Mam came and said,

"Nah, that's stupid."

- She was right.

- Yeah, I know.

So. Where's the cocaine?

L-U-C-K-Y

Lucky me...

On a positive note, we

might've set the world record

for the longest line of cocaine.

Look, we were really pissed off

when it happened, like.

We had a huge row

and everything.

We were calling each other

awful names as well, like.

I'm actually really sorry

about that.

Nah, but I'm sorry too.

- Oh!

- Christ!

What the f***

did you do that for? Why?

Do you seriously think I believe

you two are stupid enough

to lose - lose! - seven

million euros worth of coke?

We are that stupid!

I swear to God!

Arggh!

Would you stop shooting us

with that thing?!

Where's the cocaine?

Just tell me where the f***

the cocaine is and

I'll go home. I wanna go home.

Would you leave them alone?

They're only young!

Oh, my God!

Now, see what's

have to happening?

All three have holes

in your legs.

There was no need for that.

There was no need for that.

Don't worry. You didn't miss

anything. Go on, get up. Get up!

- I'll ask you one more time.

- What?

And if you don't tell me,

I'm gonna shoot you

right through

the top of your cock.

Oh, no. Please.

Arggh! Arggh!

Jesus. Sorry. Are you alright?

Are youse expecting anyone?

Right, you go. Get that.

Bring 'em back here.

And no f***ing

super-Gardai sh*t

or I'll shoot her in the face

loads of times.

Loads - 'Hellraiser' sh*t.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah.

Hiya.

Hiya.

How's it going?

How's it going?

Sorry, you know,

for interrupting your tea,

but, um,

I was just wondering there

if your son could come out

for a game of ball.

Game of ball?

Where is it, Billy?

Where's what?

Look, you don't have to call it

'ball' anymore,

but... everyone knows, so...

What do they know?

You don't wanna be messing round

with this fella.

Arggh.

Ah!

Oh, don't shoot me, please!

Oh!

Classic, alright.

Our cocaine.

Cocaine, now, is it?

How much did you get for it?

I got millions for it.

Millions! What are you on about?

How many millions?

Those are my millions, Billy.

I don't know what he's on about!

Didn't you just

get out of prison?

Yeah.

What was it for again, Jock?

- Er, drugs, wasn't it?

- I think so.

What was it?

- No, it's drugs alright.

- Drugs. Yeah.

Whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Relax.

I'm gonna ask you once, Billy.

Where... is my f***ing... cocaine?

What are you looking for?

A bit of coke, is it?

I can get coke.

Is that alright with you?

Yeah. There's no problem. What

do you want, a couple of grams?

F***! That really hurts!

Now, Billy, the coke -

where is it?!

I dunno!

- The clip.

- What clip?

Gotta pull the thing.

- Oh!

- It's not the clip!

Dancing in the disco

bumper to bumper

Wait a minute

Where's me jumper?

Where's me jumper?

Where's me jumper?

Where's me jumper?

Dancing in the disco

bumper to bumper

Wait a minute

Where's me jumper?

Where's me jumper

Where's me jumper?

Where's me jumper?

Where's me jumper?

Oh, no!

Dancing in the disco

Oh, no, oh, no

Oh, my mother

will be so, so angry

And my brother

will be so, so angry

'Cause I was dancing

in the disco bumper to bumper

Wait a minute

Where's me jumper?

Where's me jumper?

Where's me jumper?

Where's me jumper...

That's enough. He's out cold.

They say if you wear

a mask for long enough

it can be hard to take off.

I'm not talking about

any stupid psychology sh*t.

It has something to do with

the glue going off.

It clings onto your skin.

Everything I just told you

is 100% true.

Well, most of it, anyway.

I did have to adjust the facts

a bit for the telly.

We are so lucky to have Gardai

like Sergeant Healy,

er, to protect us from dangerous

criminals. He's our hero.

Healy tried to get them facts

straightened out,

but his superintendent

didn't seem to give a sh*t.

The station needs the publicity.

It's a great story,

so shut the f*** up

and take the promotion.

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